Christmas Shoe(box)s

National Collection Week just wrapped up but you can still drop off shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child through mid-December! These processing centers remain open for business for a few more weeks.

And even better...you can mail finished shoeboxes to the Boone & Charlotte offices.

If it's your first (or fifth) time packing a shoebox, it can be hard to keep track of all the "rules" and suggestions. So I made visual aids! Let's start with the no-gos.

I gotta say they nailed it on the drink mixes. Gross.

Now. A WOW item is recommended for each box. This is like your centerpiece. What you build the gift around. The main character.

Personal care items are obviously important as well. A suggestion I wish someone had given me last year...blankets take up A LOT of space. Especially anything in the fleece family.

Clothes. Honestly you can never have too much underwear.

This is where I really shine. Crafts, crafts, crafts. Friendship bracelet kits were all the rage for awhile there. Hobby Lobby has A TON of DIY kits for kids.

Ahhh toys. A classic. The marbles do seem a bit of a bummer after Squid Game, but finger puppets are fun for the whole family.

Ooooooh my other favorite category! I LOVE a school supply. I literally lock away the InkJoys when I have a substitute. Not because of the sub, because of the kids, but you can really never be too careful.

I made a cheat sheet in Spanish too, but my espanol is muy limited. Luckily the vocabulary is good I just like to keep everything in the present tense just to be safe. So Spanish speakers, use this sheet cuando you comprando.

Magnificent Maleficent

Today was Disney HERO Day at school and I knew I would have to defend my choice heroine & mistress of all evil, Maleficent. I get that she's not your conventional Disney hero but let's review the case.

• First of all, the entire plot line of Sleeping Beauty is set in motion because Maleficent was not invited to a baby - viewing? receiving? watch party? - IDK. But literally everyone else was invited but her. That's so rude. She goes anyway AND brings a gift. Now that's class. Emily Post could never.

• If we are to believe the Angelina Jolie version (which I do), King Stefan was a royal are. Cursing the child of a man who did you wrong? I'm sorry but that's fair game. Love IS a battlefield. Aurora is a civilian casualty? Them's the rules.

• Speaking of, is it really a curse to sleep indefinitely? I think that's a blessing. It's as if Aurora's godparents are Benadryl and Ambien.

• Which brings me to my final point. I think the greatest gift anyone could give a girl (besides plain black hair ties, we always need more of those), is a medically or magically induced coma upon turning 16 while she awaits true love. That would make my life SO much better y'all have no idea. I should BE so lucky to have a Maleficent.

• And another thing. Was Maleficent using her raven Diablo to warn us that birds aren't real? I mean. We never see Diablo lay an egg. Or wake up early and get a worm. Or take center stage in a delicious autumnal feast. What we see him do is spy on Aurora and report her location to Maleficent. BIRDS. AREN'T. REAL.

I prepared some handy little business cards so I could argue my case on the go.

So yeah, I repped my girl Mal. And I went to great lengths to do it. I created not 1, not 2, but 3 different horn prototypes. The first 2 really lacked the structural integrity to make it through the day. But after some architectural adjustments, my ~lewk~ was complete.

My first attempt involved styrofoam unicorn horns that I deconstructed and reassembled into really nice horns, but covering the white horns in black felt made the whole thing way too heavy. The second time around I used some Model Magic (TM) and molded it into the shape of the horns. Now this LOOKED great and was light BUT...there wasn't time for it to dry. So I figured encasing them in hot glue was the way to go. It wasn't.

I painted those bad boys black and they barely survived a 15 second walk to the teachers' lounge. But did I give up? No. I couldn't let my staff & raven & flowy black clothes & overall demeanor be my only props. Third time was a charm. Just cardstock. There's a lesson in there somewhere about less is more but that's never really been my thing.

At long last...I was ready.

And as you can see, ya girl BODIED it. Stay spooky.

Teaching Toddlers Part 3: Reading Room on the Broom

 Guys. There's no editing. This is raw. This is real. This is us.

Kids Ask the Darndest Things

My students say some of the [fill in the blank]est things. I love them. A lot. But whoever said there's no such thing as a stupid question was CLEARLY never a teacher. I have compiled a list of some of my (least) favorite student questions/comments, along with the answers that I sometimes wish I could give.

When they have been absent...

Did I miss anything yesterday?

• Nope, not a thing, nothing important happens here ever.

Did y'all do anything yesterday?

• Sure didn't, we all sat here in complete silence for 90 minutes in memory of you.

When you hand out an assignment...

Do we have to do all of these?

• No I actually think public schools are OVER funded so I wanted to even the scales a little by wasting some ink, pick your favorite number and just do that one.

Is this graded?

• Of course not, everything is made up & the points don't matter, I just thought this would be a fun test for us all to take, you know, for fun.

When they check their grades...

But I turned that in!

• Ok I get that you think that, I really do. But do you understand that I can't just "take your word for it" or the whole system collapses? "Hey IRS! I paid my taxes, trust me, I totally remember doing that." 

*points to an assignment on their computer

What is this?

• Let's see, what is the Unit 1 Study Guide? Probably that paper I passed out that said Unit 1 Study Guide at the top. That would probably be the one.

When they are turning in an assignment...

*stands in front of my desk that is clear except for one obvious stack of paper

Where do I turn it in? / Here?

• Yes, that pile that is clearly the worksheet you just did would be an excellent place for you to put your completed worksheet.

Miss, you didn't give me that paper.

• So I passed out 29 copies of this worksheet and specifically chose to exclude you, an act of aggression you did not notice until right now when the assignment is due? Or you misplaced a paper? Which of these scenarios is more likely?

When they have a test...

What is the test on?

• You know how for the last few weeks we have been working on Unit 2, customer decision making? Well the test is on notable architecture of the 20th century.

Is it open note?

• A-no. And B-y'all don't even take notes unless I make you. And even then you throw it away once it's graded. What notes are you gonna use? The pages where you played tic-tac-toe last week?

At literally all hours of every day 24/7 for always...

Do I have any missing assignments?

• Okay hang on a second let me check my mental rolodex for which of my 90 students has and hasn't turned in each assignment.

Did you grade __________?

• Do you see a grade for it online? No? then No.

Where?

• Let's try checking the location that I literally just instructed you to go to.

Miss, am I your favorite?

• if you have to ask...

Tuxes for Men...Groundbreaking

 No one will judge you if you don't care to listen to 42 minutes of my Met Gala fashion reviews.

Good Golly Miss Dolly

In educational circles we call this a flowchart decision tree.

I hope this will answer some questions about the COVID vaccine but remember, I am not a medical professional. And if you're not either, you should consult one because they literally get paid to know more about this stuff than you do.

Dolly Parton didn't capitalize off her own insecurity and BEG Jolene to let her man go so she could spend her money funding a vaccine that y'all won't take.

The Corona Monologues

So you have COVID, now what?

COVID may have taken my sense of smell and my sense of taste (for like 2 days, I'm back on my all carbs, all the time diet now), but I really think it heightened my sense of humor.

This is all my brother's fault. He got COVID, then my sister-in-law got it from him and then I got it from her. I don't blame my sister-in-law...I blame my brother (kidding!). But when I took my first at-home test, I had to mess with her a little.

And by the time I took the second test I couldn't stop!

And I also wanted some feedback because until she tested positive I was really thinking I just had allergies. I NEVER get sick. Runny nose? Allergies. Sore throat? Allergies. Appendicitis? Allergies. 

So I got an official test and it officially ruined my last week of summer.

During my quarantine I have been extremely thankful to live in the suburbs. I know that people are always like "I need to live in a city because then I can use that city as my personality" or "I just have to live in the country because I legally can't drive anymore so I need to 4 wheel everywhere" or whatever. But I have always been a suburbs girl. I like the idea of being able to walk to a friend's house. I like the amenities I want being close to me but not on top of me. Listen, I need parking lots! And I like chains! I know exactly what I'm going to order at Denny's but I don't know why the new hotspot downtown can't 86 the freakin bleu cheese from my pizza. I don't like HOAs, so I realize I will one day have to jump off that bridge when I get to it. But in a quarantine, the suburbs came in clutch.

My parents brought me plenty of popsicles, medicine & Gatorade because I remembered really don't have Postmates money even though I have a Postmates address. And after lots of otter pops, chicken pie, aromatherapy I couldn't smell & Mucinex (TM), I'm healed. Well, sort of. I don't actually feel fully better but I tested negative so-the show must go on.

And all God's people said amask.