Questions That Need Answers: Social Media Edition

This post was almost titled "An Open Letter To People Who Tag Themselves On Instagram" but I decided that was too aggressive. This blog is a judgment-free zone. Sort of. It's a zone where only I can judge but every judgment is made up and my opinion doesn't matter. Y'all know that I'm all for ending selfie shame and posting whatever you want on social media (kind of). So don't think of the following as judgment. These are just honest questions I have that I would like answered. Soon. 


Why do people tag themselves on Instagram?
The question that started it all. This phenomenon perplexes me.  I'm not judging you, some of my very best friends tag themselves on Instagram. I just want to know why? Shouldn't we be able to tell from your profile picture or 12 years of friendship which one you are? I have tried to look at life through whatever filters these people use and in their defense, perhaps they think the rest of us are trying to hide something? I think thanks to online dating we've all been fooled into hoping for the best in a group picture a time or two. So maybe these people just feel very strongly about being the most attractive person in that photo and they want some credit? Just a guess?

Why do people subtweet themselves?
Granted, they probably don't realize that they're subtweeting themselves, but still...why? I see people do this all the time. Some boy will tweet "Why do girls always fall for jerks?" and I just think to myself...but that's you! You're a jerk! I don't believe I often tweet rhetorical questions (or anything of consequence), but I do know that I'm not tweeting things like "Some people are too obsessed with Dance Marathon." or "People these days can't drive." because those people are me! Check yourself before you tweet about yourselves people.

Why send mass Snapchats that are also on your Snapchat story?
Am I supposed to feel special that you snapchatted me when I see your story and realized that not only did you probably send this snap to a dozen other friends, but it's something that you shared with all of your Snapchat friends. Now admittedly, I don't open Snapchat stories because I'm incredibly self-involved. And why would I when a possible outcome is discovering that you've only ever sent me mass snaps? I thought we had something special. Does the fire emoji not mean anything to you?

Why use hashtags that aren't ironic?
I know it's 2015 but there are still people posting #YOLO unironically. This has to stop.
When you think YOLO I want you to think "I better remember to wear a seat belt!" not "I'm going to do something stupid and life-threatening now!".

Why Facebook RSVP and then not come?
I'm still pretty new to Facebook so I don't fully understand the etiquette involved here, but I feel like my friends are constantly RSVPing to events that they have no intention of going to.What's up with that? I understand that if I have a party and invite Brendan in Massachusetts that he is going to RSVP "yes" while not actually buying a plane ticket to come to North Carolina for every single Mary-Kate & Ashley movie marathon that I host. That would cost him thousands every year. But if you live within 20 minutes of me and RSVP, I expect you to come. And I'm going to make enough puppy chow for you. And I'm going to end up eating it alone while I watch reruns of One Tree Hill. So just think about that the next time I invite you to a Baby-Sitters Club-themed craft night.

Why do I have more Instagram followers than Twitter followers?
I'm not sure how common this scenario is, I think it's the norm for people to have more followers on Instagram now that it's what all the cool kids are doing. Take it from a cool kid. But I am surprised by the size of the discrepancy. It's almost 2x. And I don't know about you, but I am a lot more funny than I am attractive. When random people follow me on Twitter I get it. It's because I'm hilarious. When random people follow me on Instagram I like it, but I am perplexed. I don't think any of my selfies are #artsy enough to warrant a follow, but thank you brave souls.

Why decline my invitations to like Facebook pages?
Additional question: Why does Facebook feel the need to tell me that someone declined my invitation to like a page? Is that not in violation of the 8th amendment? I think it's cruel and unusual. If I invite you to like a page, it is probably the Carolina For The Kids page. And it you decline my invitation to like it...we probably aren't friends anymore. While writing this very paragraph I paused to invite people to like the CFTK Facebook page. So if you don't want to like it that's totally fine and I understand but you're wrong and bye.

Why do you have to be in middle school to be Insta-famous?
Honestly, I think about these things more often than I should, but I don't over-analyze because I care. I over-analyze because YOU care. And it appears to me that if you're roughly 12 years old you are almost guaranteed a thousand followers. Active followers who actually like your posts and comment, sometimes I feel like half of my follower-base is old accounts or ghost users. But maybe the better question here is why do middle schoolers have smart phones? What do you need to tweet about in middle school? I believe that Twitter is primarily for me to complain and post hilarious one-liners. But even I wasn't that funny in middle school, I was too busy devoting most of my free time to being enshrouded in angst. And what do you have to complain about?
"Man, pre-algebra got me feeling some type of way."
"Gas is so expensive for people that can no longer demand to get chauffeured everywhere."

Why do people unfollow me?
This question has 2 meanings. The 1st is what makes people unfollow other people on Instagram?  And the 2nd is what makes people unfollow ME specifically on Instagram? Because there are a few reasons why I unfollow people. A. They're just too young. B. They post ALL the time about things that NO ONE cares about (group rates, tbhs, shout outs). or C. They unfollow me/don't follow me back. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I ain't no follow back girl. But I don't think I'm guilty of any of these cardinal sins of social media. So you people who have unfollowed me, you know who you are and I know who you are because I'm the type of person who cares way too much about stupid stuff like followers and not enough about important stuff like tire pressure. Just DM me an explanation of why you unfollowed me. Of course, to DM me you will have to follow me so...these things have a way of working themselves out.

Why do people think that Instagram is going to delete their accounts?
Srsly. I promise you it is not going to happen. So stop reposting those images about #savemyaccount or whatever. If your account gets deleted because you took my advice, I will personally contact Kevin Systrom and get your account reactivated. But what's the worst that could happen? Your account gets deleted and instead of spending 3 hours a day on an app you spend that time reading my blog or petitioning your local bookstore to carry my book of essays?

Why do people have private social media accounts?
I will admit...I currently have private social media accounts for employment purposes. And I totally understand when someone has to make their accounts private for their job. But other than that, I just don't get it. I shouldn't have to deign lower myself to request to follow you in order to stalk you, am I right? Is it really "social" media if it's private? When I made my accounts private, I felt like I was announcing to the world "Put a ring on it! You don't get my amazing, original content for free anymore. If you want the milk, you have to follow the cow!" and the world responded with a resounding "Tbh, we could take you or leave you." and that still hurts.

Why do people take forever to respond to follower requests?
If by the time you accept my friend request, I don't remember having sent it to you, you took too long. It is very uncommon for me to ignore a follow/friend request. Either A. I legitimately have no clue who you are and we have 0 mutual Facebook friends or B. you're still too young. But why would someone ignore MY requests? I think my social media accounts do an excellent job of hiding my inherent creepiness and I don't look like a middle schooler with an iPhone 6. Most days. So why do you people hate me? And why do you continue to post and like things instead of replying to my friend request? I just hope you know that when I dedicate my first book to "friends" if you haven't accepted my friend request yet, that DOESN'T mean you!