25 Things You Didn't (Want to) Know About Me

If you read Us Weekly instead of the newspaper like I do, you know that they have a feature called "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" where celebrities share information about themselves. I'm not a celebrity (yet) and I don't really have many secrets but I thought I would take some time to share 25 things about me that will in no way impact your life. This week I'm answering the questions no one cared to ask. Enjoy!

1. I'm obsessed with reality shows about cheerleaders. I have all the Bring It On movies, watched Hellcats in a week, devoured Cheer Squad in like 3 days, I'm currently on Cheerleader Nation and let's not forget the Lifetime movie that shook the nation, Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal. Never cheered in my life.

2. If it is less than 50 degrees I will be whiny and obnoxious about how cold it is and beg global warming to come through for me.

3. If I have ever told you "you couldn't pay me enough to _________" I was lying.

4. My all-time favorite housewife is Brandi Glanville. Fight me. Close seconds include Jeana Keough, Kyle Richards, Gretchen Rossi, and Carole Radziwill. Least favorite...Kelly Bensimon.

5.  I don't curse on social media (or in real life Mom!) but I did once retweet a curse word from President Obama telling John McCain to kick cancer's A-double snakes.

6. I say "I'd rather die" at least 7 times a day and I thank the Kardashians for that.

7. I hate the dog filter on Snapchat. I need a lot more Photoshopping than that. If a filter isn't enlarging my eyes or clearing my complexion I don't understand why it exists.

8. I think Everybody Loves Raymond is depressing. When I told my parents that and said it made marriage and life look awful they said it was pretty accurate.

9. My biggest fear is and always has been losing my memory. When I was younger I used to keep a ton of journals where I would write down what I did every day just in case but then at some point I realized that my life is pretty boring and maybe I don't need to recall in great detail my orthodontist appointment in September 2003.

10. If I have more than 3 Snapchats I get overwhelmed and will take hours to open them.

11. I'm afraid of escalators. What if you don't get off at the right time and get shredded like an old bank statement that my dad read before delivering to me? On a related note...also terrified of being scalped. I am very cautious around fans.

12. Tuesday is my favorite day of the week because when I was younger there was always a Law & Order: SVU marathon on USA and that's when new episodes of Glee came on.

13. Unlike all of my friends, I like The Mindy Project more than New Girl because I relate to everything Mindy Kaling touches on a spiritual level.

14. My favorite Bible story is Jacob's life because he married Rachel, my namesake, and I am self-obsessed as many of you know. My name means "little lamb" in Hebrew and that's why I will never eat lamb.

15. I almost exclusively wear black but my favorite color is actually yellow because it reminds me of happiness, lemons and sunshine.

16. My favorite band is The 1975 and I want to marry Matty Healy. Smoking is bad but he makes it look so cool.

17. I genuinely don't understand why we have to work on leap days. If you're on salary, your labor is free for 8 hours every 4 years. And also...why isn't Halloween a federal holiday? That upsets me.

18. Sometimes I have random art knowledge and I'm not sure if it's from a class I took in college or Mona Lisa Smile. If you look at my college transcript you'll probably assume the latter. In my defense, I didn't read the textbook so my grade should be low.

19. I don't believe in aliens but that's mainly because I don't care about space enough to think about it. I'm also still mad at NASA for revoking Pluto's planetary status. That was a low blow. And they're so far out there, the news probably hasn't even reached them yet.

20. I don't understand why anyone would make a bed that they're just going to sleep in later that day. I mean, on an ideal day, I'm heading right back in 10 hours or less.

21. I only like canned pineapple. The texture of fresh pineapple is just not my jam. Also pineapple jam sounds gross. I like my canned pineapple with A.1. steak sauce even though I don't eat steak.

22. I hate walnuts and honey, but love baklava. Walnuts and honey are literally two-thirds of the ingredients of baklava.

23. I don't drink alcohol or coffee but I am in no way affiliated with the Latter-day Saints. However, I have seen every episode of Sister Wives. Christine is my favorite wife.

24. I am Melungeon, which means I am descended from a tri-racial group from the mountains of North Carolina, Virginia, Tennessee and Kentucky where Europeans, Africans and Native Americans settled.

25. I don't plan on getting a tattoo but if I did it would be the dark mark on my forearm because Always.

WGW Holiday Hacks

A mere 48 hours before one of my favorite holidays named after a color...Black Friday...I wanted to share some of my holiday hacks that might save you guys some time and money. Remember, the only thing more valuable than time with loved ones is my advice.

• Give gifts in T.J. Maxx bags. Gift bags are so expensive! I save money by buying packs of gift bags at craft stores or giving big gifts in T.J. Maxx/Marshalls/Home Goods bags. They're 99 cents and reusable! I keep several in my car to carry crap back and forth to work.

• Reuse tissue paper! Hello! That stuff is expensive! What am I doing on the most wonderful day of the year while my loved ones open gifts? I'm folding tissue paper. Zero shame. If you are capable of this embarrassment thing I hear so much about...try telling people you're going green or engaged to Leonardo DiCaprio and have to reduce your carbon footprint or something.

• Use some homemade cards. Cards are so expensive! I save money by decorating cardstock, cutting out snowflakes, making marbled paper, using wite-out on a card someone gave me. And I have completely stopped giving cards to anyone who can't read. For most of my cousins that was around 4 or 5. For my brother...well, he's still saving me money.

• Stock up on discount Christmas gift supplies. Instead of spending a ton of money on bows and boxes and bags, get a key items you need at the beginning of January for 90% off and hang on to them for 11 months while your family secretly tapes a submission reel for Hoarders.

• Holiday shop early so you don't find yourself eating ramen for the last 2 weeks of the year. Unless it's by choice, nothing wrong with that. I'm notorious for buying gifts MONTHS in advance. As long as you don't lose them, it's fine. Once I did lose my Grandpa's birthday present but I just turned it into a scavenger hunt. With no clues.

• Get gift wrap that's not holiday themed. Then you can use it year-round! Of course, you can also do this if you just don't care what other people think. I gave my cousin her birthday present wrapped in My Little Pony paper that also featured snow covered Christmas trees. No one noticed.

• 3 words. Glee. Christmas. Album.

• For baked goods, sometimes a savory snack can go a long way. A lot of people like to give Christmas treats as gifts, I always make oreo truffles and gingerbread cookies, but when there's tons of sweets around the house it can be refreshing to also have something salty like a homemade chex mix or cheese straws.

• Make sure to prioritize stores having SALES on Black Friday. Instead of stopping by Marshalls or picking up some items like groceries that aren't discounted, focus your full attention on the deals. 

• Never underestimate the wow factor of a practical gift. I know we all want to get our BFF that t-shirt with the podcast quote that only the 2 of you will understand even though it cost $30, but sometimes a practical gift can be better than a personal gift. Find a present that will make someone's life easier instead of more cluttered. Kitchenware, nice bath towels, tools and yes, socks.

• Have a plan so you don't end up backtracking or wasting time. Kind of like an amusement park, it can be helpful to shop in the reverse order of how you think others will be going. I won't tell you my plan because I would hate to have to fight one of you for the last DVD box set of Golden Girls. But I'm a Sophia so watch out.

• Remember...if you don't get a deal you were hoping for or still have some items left on your list, there's always Cyber Monday.

repuTAYtion

On Friday, November 10th in the year of our Lord 2017, Taylor Alison Swift released her 6th studio album, available only at Target.

She promoted said album on Saturday Night Live the next day. I came for Taylor (and Kate McKinnon) but stayed for Tiffany Haddish (and Taylor).

At first I was going to rank the songs on this album and defend my favorites but then I realized that what we're not going to do is put Taylor against Taylor. And here's another thing I'm not going to do...get made fun of or belittled for "fangirling" over one of my favorite artists. Someone whose lyrics have helped me through hard times and someone who has used words and sounds to make sense of emotions I didn't even realize I was feeling. I've seen grown men punch walls when their favorite player doesn't catch a sportsball, teenage boys idolize musicians who beat up women and I think we were all guilty of blindly following Tiger Woods for awhile.

So let's remember my personal mantra "eyebrows over everything." Wait...wrong mantra. I meant "good for you, not for me." If you don't like Taylor, that's fine. Don't read this post. Re-read last week's. Or read this one because you appreciate her talent even if it's not your style. But no matter what, click ads!

This post isn't me theorizing. So she trusts Joe like a brother, well I trust her like a mother and mother knows best. If Taylor doesn't want us to know what the songs are actually about then we don't need to know what they're about. So in this blog post, there will be no speculation. There will just be reputation. (And my thoughts and opinions, as usual.)

 

A wall in my new apartment, decorated with some of our favorite Taylor Swift lyrics.

1. ...Ready for It? 
Honestly I don't think we were ready for it but we NEEDED it. Just yesterday my students asked me who my favorite rapper was and I said Taylor Swift. And also Ed Sheeran. And I guess Future. 

2. End Game
I LOVE RAPPING ED. So much gold symbolism on this album. What does it symbolize? I don't know...Joe is a beard and Taylor is secretly dating King Midas? I don't care. If she's happy, I'm happy. And if she needs a kidney, I have 2. 

3. I Did Something Bad
LIGHT. ME. UP. What I don't get is "I'd do it over and over and over again if I could" because like...you totally can. Give the universe a never-ending cycle of love albums and break up albums. Date every man in the world and break his heart I don't care they deserve it I'm not bitter. 

4. Don't Blame Me
My. Favorite. Love makes her crazy? Same. Her drug is her baby? My drug is Netflix. Using for the rest of her life? Me too! Or until my aunt cancels her account. 

5. Delicate
This song is classic Taylor being relatable by worrying if it's all happening too soon. For her what’s delicate is a new relationship and for me it’s the balance between a guy liking me and me fatal attractioning him to the point of no return, but I can relate to it nonetheless. 

6. Look What You Made Me Do
I would like to officially welcome Taylor Swift to Slytherin. Santa's got a list. Arya's got a list. Now Taylor's got a list too. Obviously, lists are in. I might even write a to do list for tomorrow and you know what would be #1? Listen to reputation again. 

7. So It Goes...
Can I just say that being "yours to keep" is so thrilling but simultaneously being "yours to lose" is so terrifying and the juxtaposition of the two...not that I'm counting or anything. 

8. Gorgeous
I hate cool people too! And I totally understand the fear that an attractive guy will be single because that makes him actually attainable (to Taylor, not me) and that means that rejection is a possibility and is there anything more horrifying than that? No. 

9. Getaway Car
Taylor said that all the fan theories about the source of these songs would be incorrect so I'm going to throw something out there...Getaway Car is an anthem urging driving rights for Saudi women. It was worth a shotgun shot in the heart.

10. King of My Heart
All of my dates drink out of plastic cups but still don't fancy me. Maybe I'm doing it wrong? Why can't I find a king for my heart? Can't even find a pawn.

11. Dancing with Our Hands Tied
I too have a bad feeling about every relationship I enter. And I'm always right. I generally recommend dancing with hands untied as it allows for more overall motion but hey, you do you girl.
 
12. Dress
Finally someone else appreciates bathtubs. Wake up America, you can't read books in the shower. I would love a remix with a Tiffany Haddish verse about the dress she wore on SNL and to all those other places.

13. This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Very Lorde-esque, and I mean that as a compliment. To Lorde. Also, I too would like to give a shout out to my mama for having to listen to all my drama.

14. Call It What You Want
Thorns are way more practical than flowers so I think Taylor upgraded. And I don't like not hearing from her for months but she's so happy guys. And that makes me happy. And this song also makes me happy. So we're all happy. Okay mainly just me and Taylor but y'all should be happy for us too.

15. New Year's Day
No way am I going to trick someone into liking me by New Year's. Dating for me is a long con. And the idea that someone would love you enough to hang around for the morning after the party? Sounds fake but okay.

The Root Canal of All Evil

Today I am writing to you full of heart and numb of face. I just got home from the dentist where I had not 1, not 2, but 3 cavities filled. Some people always get As. Others always get in the fastest checkout line. I always get cavities. It's a medical mystery. I brush at least 3 times a day. Floss at least 2 times a day. Drink less than 1 soda a day. I'm sure my dentist thinks I'm not telling the truth about any of that but it's my therapist* I lie to, with my dentist I'm an open book.

In any event, I had to get the cavities filled sooner rather than later because before you know it I will be 26 and off my father's insurance forever. So I found myself sitting in a dentist chair instead of a  pedicure chair. Why do bad things happen to average at best people?

Luckily, my aunt is a nurse so I regularly rely on her for medical advice.

Dental problems have plagued my family for almost as long as acerbic wit, dry humor and dashing good looks. My mother has nightmares where her teeth fall out. Growing up I remember hearing horror stories about the dentist from my Aunt Julia. And since we're basically twins, of course I inherited the cuspid curse.

  

Sisters in Christ. And dental dilemmas.

And Halloween costumes.

I had the pleasure of my first root canal during my sophomore year of college. The root canal combined with some last minute class changes meant that for the first 2 weeks of spring semester I had been to like 1 actual meeting. That made for some interesting exam 1 scores.

Before the procedure my pain wasn't bad at all so I was expecting the procedure to be similar to a filling. The shots would hurt. I would be sore for a few hours after. And then I would go on my merry way. Boy was I wrong.


The root canal itself wasn't too bad. At least not compared to the laundry list of minor aches that I regularly compare to medieval torture methods. You know. Stubbed toes. Hangnails. Paper cuts. But once the numbing agents wore off the pain kind of rushed in like scorned women at a Miranda Lambert concert. At this point in my culinary career the only frozen food option I had to ice my poor aching face was blackberries.


The next morning I was still in a lot of pain but I assumed that my suffering was purely internal. Until I went to the suite bathroom that I shared with 7 other coeds and my friend Hannah greeted me with "oh my gosh your face" which, for the record, is NOT what girls want to hear.


In this picture you can see how the swelling has not gone down. And I know that this picture was taken at least 3 hours later because you can tell my hair is completely dry. I know what you're thinking. Give it time! Surely it got better soon after this?


It didn't. I went to class like this. Open apology to everyone who took POLI 208: The U.S. Supreme Court with Professor I. Forget in the spring of 2013. The good news is that I noticed a change soon after this picture was taken.


The change was that the swelling moved from my cheek to my eye.

I call this picture Finally Back to Nornal? Wait...was I this ugly before? I don’t think so but it’s entirely possible. Friends confirmed I was still swollen here, thank goodness. 

My next root canal experience was much better. The pain leading up to the procedure was terrible. But I was placed on a healthy regimen of pain killers. Gotta stay ahead of the pain, that's what I always say.

My friend Taylor dropped me off at the endodontist because my situation required a specialist. During the procedure the dentist got me a blanket and a pillow and afterwards she prescribed me a criminally negligent amount of Vicodin. But the real fun happened when I had to make my way home fresh off dental surgery in a part of campus where I didn’t know the bus routes. I mainly remember walking past Walgreens a lot but eventually thanks to a group chat I got some helpful information and made it to my bed.


I did need to keep an ice pack on my mouth for the better part of the next 24 hours. I learned this the hard way when I decided it was a good idea to go to the mall 2 hours post-op. In my defense, candles were on sale at Bath & Body Works. In this picture it looks like my lips are swollen but they take up 50% of my face on any given day.

 
But as you can see from this picture, I recovered just fine. There's that smile my parents paid thousands of dollars in braces for!

*Just kidding, please don't lie to your therapist, bad idea.