UNboxing

My students know a lot more about YouTube than I do and they have informed me about this trend called "unboxing videos" where beauty influencers (such as myself?) open packages of makeup and then review the products.

Opening packages is one of my favorite things so I gave it a shot. I won't be reviewing the products because A) that would be a long video and I don't think anyone is interested in hearing me talk for that long based on the feedback I get from my students and B) I am not about to put on a full face of expensive makeup when I don't have to be in public later. Honestly y'all are lucky I'm wearing makeup in the video. You're welcome.

Please keep in mind that this weekend at Sephora a woman stopped me to ask me a question because she thought I worked there. Is that because my makeup looked amazing or because I was wearing all black? The world will never know.

Playbook

Today I am sharing my Playbook, a collection of spoofs, mashups and parodies for musical theatre that I have painstakingly created over the past weekend. If you like musicals, then boy is this the post for you! But if you don't care for Broadway, you are going to be really confused and bored and I won't take it personally if you just re-read an old post this week.

I used the website Canva to make these playbill mockups but I also used some amazing artwork from the internet. Here is a list of the websites and resources I used for some of the images seen in this post.

Dorm Room Karaoke: You Need to Go Away

You Need to Go Away

Yeahhh

You are

A liar

How did I

Desire

To be

With you

I didn’t have a clue

And we are two worlds apart

Why did you go and break my heart

When you said

I’ll love you always

Tell me who

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

Tell me who

Wherever did you meet her

Tell me who

I never wanna see your face

You need to go away

You’re my

worst mistake

I wish

I had a retake (or cheesecake)

You better know

It’s tooooo late

You need to go away

Tell me who

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

(Tell me who)

Why did you retweet her

Tell me who

I never wanna see your face

Youuuu need to go away

Now I just love

That you’re fallin apart

Just thinkin how we used to be

Yeah

No matter the sorries

I want you to know

You’ll never get over me

You are

pathetic

I really

Regret it

You suck, (you suck), you suck, (you suck)

Don’t wanna see youuuuuuuu

(Babbbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

And I thought you were a keeper

(Don’t wanna see your face)

I never wanna see your face

(Oh yeah)

You need to go away

(Tell me who)

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

(Teeeellll me who)

And I thought you were a keeper

Tell me who

I never wanna see your face

(Don’t wanna see your face)

You need to go away

(Tell me whoooooooo)

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

Tell me who

I can’t believe you retweeted her

Tell me who

You need to go away

You need to go away

Cause you need to go away

$911

Since the midterms were yesterday I want to get a little political and talk about healthcare.

What do I know about healthcare? Well this one time, in college, I helped run a medical non-profit. And that's my experience with that.

Since becoming an adult I have had to get more closely acquainted with our healthcare system. Making and spending your own money is all fun and games until you get a doctor's bill. Or have to buy something dumb like sunscreen or batteries. Doctors are not cheap. And specialists are definitely not cheap. Perhaps my aforementioned distaste for buying sunscreen led me to a $94 dermatologist bill. The dermatologist is the most expensive of my doctors but it's also the only place they don't weigh me so it's honestly worth it.

I once heard a British comedienne say that she would much rather a friend call her an Uber than an ambulance if she needed quick medical treatment and I could not agree more. Do the British even have ambulances? They probably don't need them, England is smaller than Alabama. Even in remote areas you can't be more than what, 20, 30 kilometers from a hospital? I have no idea what a kilometer is because I never learned British numbers but that sounds pretty accurate.

I did some research (Okay, I skimmed 2 pages of Google results. I did not actually click the links, how much time do y'all think I have?) and it would appear that the average ambulance ride costs well over $500. 

A basic ambulance (access to bandaids, maybe some Neosporin) will run you at least $600 while an advanced ambulance (opioids? idk) starts at $1,000. Is it like Enterprise and if they only have advanced ambulances left you have to pay the higher rate? Can no one come up with an ambulance pool option? Like maybe, homeboy on the next block is in anaphylactic shock, I'm in cardiac arrest and we can split it because we need separate equipment?

You may also incur additional charges for miles traveled or equipment used. What if you're an out-of-towner and your ambulance driver takes the long way? Does the meter run if they arrive at the hospital but can't move you inside until they stabilize your neck? 

And what about the equipment used? Can you like, give the EMTs a spending limit like you would give a veterinarian? Or maybe they should come up with a build your own combo option. Maybe you'd like access to to the defibrillator with a side of oxygen and a backboard? $199.99! Substitute bandages for the backboard for an additional $19.99!

So after much thought I have decided that no one should - under any circumstances - call me an ambulance. If I am in need of emergency medical services I would suggest calling Uber and saying a prayer. Crossing your fingers couldn't hurt. But if I am in an ambulance, I better die.

Luckily, I have been able to avoid needing an ambulance for 25 years now. But I still haven't escaped ridiculous medical costs. I've had 2 root canals, multiple cavities, years and years of therapy and stitches. That ain't cheap. Not to mention breaking a few fingers and toes and refusing to seek medical treatment. I saved a lot of money that way but do have some permanent nerve damage in my left hand that leaves me unable to count to 3 on my fingers. Oops.

I've been pretty fortunate in the medical emergency department but I really make up for it in dental expenses. I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed 6 days before Christmas. And not because I'm a sadist but because I'm on the "get this done while I'm still on my dad's insurance" plan. Today is my half birthday. I am a mere 6 months away from being on the wrong side of 25.

The costs are only going to get higher. It's like inflation but for the human body. What used to need a bandaid now needs a week of recovery. In 10 years maybe it will need physical therapy. And 10 years after that? A knee replacement. I can't afford to get any older.

What does this mean for healthcare reform? I have no idea. But nobody puts baby in an ambulance.