$911

Since the midterms were yesterday I want to get a little political and talk about healthcare.

What do I know about healthcare? Well this one time, in college, I helped run a medical non-profit. And that's my experience with that.

Since becoming an adult I have had to get more closely acquainted with our healthcare system. Making and spending your own money is all fun and games until you get a doctor's bill. Or have to buy something dumb like sunscreen or batteries. Doctors are not cheap. And specialists are definitely not cheap. Perhaps my aforementioned distaste for buying sunscreen led me to a $94 dermatologist bill. The dermatologist is the most expensive of my doctors but it's also the only place they don't weigh me so it's honestly worth it.

I once heard a British comedienne say that she would much rather a friend call her an Uber than an ambulance if she needed quick medical treatment and I could not agree more. Do the British even have ambulances? They probably don't need them, England is smaller than Alabama. Even in remote areas you can't be more than what, 20, 30 kilometers from a hospital? I have no idea what a kilometer is because I never learned British numbers but that sounds pretty accurate.

I did some research (Okay, I skimmed 2 pages of Google results. I did not actually click the links, how much time do y'all think I have?) and it would appear that the average ambulance ride costs well over $500. 

A basic ambulance (access to bandaids, maybe some Neosporin) will run you at least $600 while an advanced ambulance (opioids? idk) starts at $1,000. Is it like Enterprise and if they only have advanced ambulances left you have to pay the higher rate? Can no one come up with an ambulance pool option? Like maybe, homeboy on the next block is in anaphylactic shock, I'm in cardiac arrest and we can split it because we need separate equipment?

You may also incur additional charges for miles traveled or equipment used. What if you're an out-of-towner and your ambulance driver takes the long way? Does the meter run if they arrive at the hospital but can't move you inside until they stabilize your neck? 

And what about the equipment used? Can you like, give the EMTs a spending limit like you would give a veterinarian? Or maybe they should come up with a build your own combo option. Maybe you'd like access to to the defibrillator with a side of oxygen and a backboard? $199.99! Substitute bandages for the backboard for an additional $19.99!

So after much thought I have decided that no one should - under any circumstances - call me an ambulance. If I am in need of emergency medical services I would suggest calling Uber and saying a prayer. Crossing your fingers couldn't hurt. But if I am in an ambulance, I better die.

Luckily, I have been able to avoid needing an ambulance for 25 years now. But I still haven't escaped ridiculous medical costs. I've had 2 root canals, multiple cavities, years and years of therapy and stitches. That ain't cheap. Not to mention breaking a few fingers and toes and refusing to seek medical treatment. I saved a lot of money that way but do have some permanent nerve damage in my left hand that leaves me unable to count to 3 on my fingers. Oops.

I've been pretty fortunate in the medical emergency department but I really make up for it in dental expenses. I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed 6 days before Christmas. And not because I'm a sadist but because I'm on the "get this done while I'm still on my dad's insurance" plan. Today is my half birthday. I am a mere 6 months away from being on the wrong side of 25.

The costs are only going to get higher. It's like inflation but for the human body. What used to need a bandaid now needs a week of recovery. In 10 years maybe it will need physical therapy. And 10 years after that? A knee replacement. I can't afford to get any older.

What does this mean for healthcare reform? I have no idea. But nobody puts baby in an ambulance.