So, as we all know, I like to date. Online date. Okay well I don't particularly like it but it's a necessary evil. An evolutionary stepping stone standing between me and the children I hope to someday raise and vaccinate.
Online dating is different from...in person dating? What do we call that? Sounds fake. Something I have had to come to terms with is that not every online match leads to a date. I would say my closure rate is a solid 1-2%. Not to brag. Meet cutes exist in romcoms but in my life - a Raecom, if you will, we get match cutes. And not very many. A lot of online conversations are full of puns (on their end), sarcasm (on my end) and all around cringey.
But every once in a while I find someone who makes decent conversation. Like Bob.*
I chatted with Bob for months. Mostly just small talk and getting to know one another. Some mild flirtations but we lived far apart and never met or planned to go on a date. In the last month or so I did notice that we weren't talking as much. I mentioned that and Bob said that he was just busy with work and he wasn't getting my message notifications for some reason.
I know what you are all thinking. Bob is ghosting me. Bob met someone else. Bob got tired of me. Bob forgot my hut number. Or got eaten by a lion. Well you're all wrong. This story is about to take a sharp left turn.
I told Bob that I missed him and he asked what I missed. I assumed he just wanted an ego boost because he is a male. I told him I missed talking to him and seeing his face.
He sent me a picture and said "this face? with my wife...OF FIVE YEARS?" and the picture was of him and a woman who I can only assume is his wife. Of five years.**
This was news to me! So after my basic "ummm...what?" response, I spent the rest of the day freaking out. And of course adding more messages to cover all the bases.
First you have your run-of-the-mill "you're such a liar" to provide evidence that I had no idea he was married. Then I had to throw in an "I'm glad we never met" so anyone reading these messages off Bob's phone or in a court of law knows that there was no face-to-face interaction.
After putting on my detective hat...I decided that the picture and last message definitely came from his wife, a woman we'll call Bob's wife.*** The first clue...Bob said he wasn't getting my notifications (if Bob even is his real name) (oh wait it's not I made that up). A possible explanation is that his wife logged into his account on her phone so his phone logged him out while someone else was using it. I mean I'm not a scientist, I don't know. But that's my best guess. The second clue was that Bob probably wouldn't tell me he was married. All signs pointed to Bob's wife.
I worried that she was going to make me appear on the Dr. Phil show with her and Bob where I would be introduced as a home wrecker and booed by the studio audience. I of course want to meet Dr. Phil...but not like this.
After a long day of picturing random members of the public coming to my defense and Dr. Phil McGraw explaining that I was a victim in all of this too while Bob's wife is being held back by security members as this has taken a Jerry Springer turn, she finally opened my confused and surprised messages. I decided it was time for a proper introduction.
"Is this Bob's wife?" I asked, afraid of how she would respond and worried that I was making things worse.
Her response? "Hi."
I apologized profusely, assured her that I had no idea and that we never met and that she deserves so much better.
And Bob's wife said that she was sorry for dropping a bombshell on me. SHE apologized to ME. I told her she didn't have to apologize for anything, she told me that she knew I had no idea he was married and that I deserved better too. And that's the story of how Bob's wife and I became best friends.
I'm thinking of sending her a Christmas card. But I don't have her address. Or phone number. Or name. Last I heard she was gathering evidence to confront Bob and I wish her all the luck in that (#GIRLGANG). I'm dying for an update but this is one story I might never get to the bottom of. It's now a mystery right up there with who killed JonBenet and is Minnesota actually part of Canada.
And maybe some stories are better left unfinished. I would love to message Bob again and hope that his wife would reply and update me on happenings that are none of my business but hey, I'm not married to the idea.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
**Okay names also changed to protect the guilty.
***I don't actually know her name but I highly doubt her birth certificate reads "Bob's wife" so this alias seems safe.
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