Earth, Wind and Fire

In my ongoing trend of writing about Emily so that she will read my blog, today I am interviewing Emily and going over her astrology chart.

Me: "Emily?...Emily?...Okay I see having Taylor Swift on in the background was a mistake."

Emily: "What? I'm paying attention."

Me: "Let's start with your sun sign, do you know what that means?"

Emily: "Nope. Is that your main one? So I'm a Virgo."

Me: "Well yes, but you know the new sign they added makes you a Leo. How do you feel about that?"

Emily: "I don't like it, I'm not a Leo. I don't know anything about Leos."

Me: "Well, you also don't know anything about narcissists but you still are one.

Emily: "I'm a dog person so I'm not sure how I'm a Leo. And I don't like yellow and orange. I feel like Virgo is more of a purple and I like that."

Me: "Okay well, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard so this will be fun. You are technically a Virgo because I do not consider this new sign that popped up to be canon. So Virgo is a female sign."

Emily: "Agreed."

Me: "It is ruled by Mercury, do you feel like you are often in Gatorade."

Emily: "Yes, Gatorade affects me deeply."

Me: "You're an earth sign."

Emily: "I really wish I was a water sign. That's the one thing I have wished for all my life."

Me: "Really? That's the one thing?"

Emily: "Yes. But the one class I failed in college was swimming so I guess I don't deserve it."

Me: "Right. You're not gonna believe this, the colors of Virgo are navy and gray. Do you want a refund?"

Emily: "What? I mean I guess that tracks, they're very clean and neutral."

Me: "So you're clean and gender neutral?"

Emily: "Yes."

Me: "Virgo rules the nervous system and intestines."

Emily: "You're joking?"

Me: "No."

Emily: "Does it mean that we are more in tune with them or more likely to have problems with them?"

Me: "No idea, I'm not a doctor. Moving on. Virgos are perfectionists. Do you identify with that?"

Emily: "Absolutely."

Me: "Really? What are you perfect at?"

Emily: "Everything I do."

Me: "Except swimming."

Emily: "Well yeah."

Me: "Virgos have a good memory."

Emily: "That's not true, at least not for me."

Me: "One point for Leo."

Emily: "Shut up."

Me: "Virgos are shy and reserved and that can make them seem cold."

Emily: "I think I can come off as cold sometimes."

Me: "I think it's not that you're scared of interacting with others, you're just not interested. Unless it's a dog."

Emily: "Yes, definitely."

Me: "Okay let's move on to your moon sign. This is the sign that is like your inner emotions and how you see yourself. Do you know what yours is?"

Emily: "No."

Me: "It's a Leo."

Emily: "WHAT?!"

Me: "Yeah so A) I was right and B) the good thing about a moon in Leo is you're creative and broad-minded?"

Emily: "That is not accurate. Creative is not a word you would use to describe me."

Me: "And the bad thing about a moon in Leo is you can be self-centered and self-indulgent."

Emily: "I wish."

Me: "Apparently they dislike rules."

Emily: "I like rules, I'm an accountant."

Me: "They appreciate luxury."

Emily: "Definitely. My Sephora account and skincare collection would agree."

Me: "It also says they want and advantageous partner."

Emily: "What does that mean?"

Me: "It means that like you want to date people that you feel like you can benefit from."

Emily: "That sounds selfish"

Me: "Should we circle back to self-centered and self-indulgent?"

Emily: "No I guess I do date more based on what looks good on paper. But not in a bad way just I want them to be as invested in their future and being good at what they do "

Me: "I do not look good on paper."

Emily: "Or in real life."

Me: Okay ready for your rising sign? This one is interesting. The rising sign is what you consciously present to the world. So it's like the you that you want others to see."

Emily: "Okay so a water sign?"

Me: "It is a water sign!"

Emily: "Told you!"

Me: "And your moon sign is a fire sign. So you're almost earth, wind and fire. I'm earth, wind and fire but I don't like to brag."

Emily: "Whatever."

Me: "You're a Scorpio rising."

Emily: "Aren't they the worst? Or is it Capricorns? It's one of those two that everyone hates."

Me: "So Scorpio Risings are viewed as a lone wolf."

Emily: "I feel like I'm a lone wolf."

Me: "Okay they are also good at persuading others."

Emily: "Yes by manipulating others emotions."

Me: "They are said to be observant. Are you observant?"

Emily: "What?"

Me: *repeats self*

Emily: "I am more observant than you! If someone stole our TV I would notice right away and you wouldn't notice till it was time for Jeopardy."

Me: "Okay but that's not fair, a goldfish with a good view is more observant than me."

Emily: "True."

Me: "It also says Scorpio risings are suspicious of others and have a sharp temper."

Emily: "I think I am more suspicious than others. I don't think I have a sharp temper but I don't deal with stupidity well."

Me: "Fair enough. Overall, do you think this was accurate?"

Emily: "No. I mean, it's all broad generalizations. And you're right they can all be applied in some way or another."

Me: "What was that last part?"

Emily: "What?"

Me: "I believe you said 'you're right'?"

Virtual Learning BINGO

 

Doctors Without Peppers

Alright, look. I had really made my peace with this pandemic. I'm wearing my mask, I'm rolling my eyes at and making passive aggressive comments about people who don't wear a mask, I match my hand sanitizer scent to my outfit. The whole COVID-19 yards.

But it has officially gone too far! Have you guys seen this?

I can't with this. I can make do without hand sanitizer, I have plenty of 75% off, out of season scented hand soaps thanks to Bath & Body Works. No eggs? Okay, I can use turkey bacon for breakfast or vegetable oil for baking. There's no toilet paper? You know what, I will take Jihoon's advice from 90 Day Fiance and invest in a bidet. Or just commit to a full shower every time I pee. I'll make it work. We're all out of Dr. Pepper? That is not going to work for me.

There really is no substitute. Do not offer me Cheerwine or God forbid, Patio red cherry - I'm talking to you, Bojangles'. And as much as I love an ice cold Pibb Xtra, it simply does not have the distribution scope to meet my needs. Once I ordered a Dr. Pepper at a restaurant and the waitress told me they only had Diet Dr. Pepper. I told her that I would rather die, and I stand by that.

Dr. Pepper is my drug of choice. And in times like these, don't we need MORE doctors? In terms of apocalypse bingo, this has got to be up there. Apparently an aluminum shortage is a contributing factor and I just want to say that if I need to collect used cans and bottles and turn them in like some kid in a sitcom set in the 1950s, I will.

I also want to share some of my latest research with you all. Since I joined Weight Watchers I have learned two things. 1) they REALLY don't wanna let you have peanut butter and 2) every point counts. For weeks I have been conducting field research in an attempt to calculate the actual volume of Dr. Pepper you are served from different fast food chains.

Weight Watchers and corporate websites would have you believe that Dr. Pepper consumption looks like this...

But it actually looks more like this...

If I get that Go Go Glucose Grant I applied for I will be able to provide more sophisticated data because you also need to account for individual intake rates, temperature which affects the ice melting speed, does this specific franchise favor a heavy pour or a heap of ice? But I am clearly willing to do the fieldwork. 

So my friends, 2020 has thrown another challenge our way. Stay strong out there and remember, if you thought Karens went crazy over toilet paper, you have yet to see Rachel trying to get the last Dr. Pepper tall boy from Dollar Tree. It will be a sight to behold.

Darks Arts & Crafts

I did it. I finally made an Etsy shop. Right now I am just offering handmade scrunchies that I have been making during quarantine, but if I can find a reliable fabric glue I will add bows and headbands! And if I can stop breaking my sewing machine needles, maybe even pouches.

These are handmade and handsewn so they're a little delicate. They will hold a lot of hair but it is important to be gentle with them because they will rip if you pull them farther than they are meant to go. Learned that lesson the hard way.

Feel free to check out my Etsy shop, Dark Arts & Crafts, here. The theme is "almost store quality" and I will be adding listings all night.