Doctors Without Peppers

Alright, look. I had really made my peace with this pandemic. I'm wearing my mask, I'm rolling my eyes at and making passive aggressive comments about people who don't wear a mask, I match my hand sanitizer scent to my outfit. The whole COVID-19 yards.

But it has officially gone too far! Have you guys seen this?

I can't with this. I can make do without hand sanitizer, I have plenty of 75% off, out of season scented hand soaps thanks to Bath & Body Works. No eggs? Okay, I can use turkey bacon for breakfast or vegetable oil for baking. There's no toilet paper? You know what, I will take Jihoon's advice from 90 Day Fiance and invest in a bidet. Or just commit to a full shower every time I pee. I'll make it work. We're all out of Dr. Pepper? That is not going to work for me.

There really is no substitute. Do not offer me Cheerwine or God forbid, Patio red cherry - I'm talking to you, Bojangles'. And as much as I love an ice cold Pibb Xtra, it simply does not have the distribution scope to meet my needs. Once I ordered a Dr. Pepper at a restaurant and the waitress told me they only had Diet Dr. Pepper. I told her that I would rather die, and I stand by that.

Dr. Pepper is my drug of choice. And in times like these, don't we need MORE doctors? In terms of apocalypse bingo, this has got to be up there. Apparently an aluminum shortage is a contributing factor and I just want to say that if I need to collect used cans and bottles and turn them in like some kid in a sitcom set in the 1950s, I will.

I also want to share some of my latest research with you all. Since I joined Weight Watchers I have learned two things. 1) they REALLY don't wanna let you have peanut butter and 2) every point counts. For weeks I have been conducting field research in an attempt to calculate the actual volume of Dr. Pepper you are served from different fast food chains.

Weight Watchers and corporate websites would have you believe that Dr. Pepper consumption looks like this...

But it actually looks more like this...

If I get that Go Go Glucose Grant I applied for I will be able to provide more sophisticated data because you also need to account for individual intake rates, temperature which affects the ice melting speed, does this specific franchise favor a heavy pour or a heap of ice? But I am clearly willing to do the fieldwork. 

So my friends, 2020 has thrown another challenge our way. Stay strong out there and remember, if you thought Karens went crazy over toilet paper, you have yet to see Rachel trying to get the last Dr. Pepper tall boy from Dollar Tree. It will be a sight to behold.