The Types in a Pandemic

 

Parenting with the Pros

Today's blogpost is a conversation on parenting with resident expert, Missy Daniel. Who could be more qualified to give parenting advice than my mom? She has a 67% success rate with raising kids. And like my dad would always say when we got home from church and realized we left Colby AGAIN...2 out of 3 ain't bad.

What made you want to be a parent?

M: "I just always grew up wanting to have kids. I think I had a good childhood so I wanted to give that to my kids."

And what made you decide that Dad was the one to have kids with?

M: "He scored higher on the SAT than I did. Well he says he did. I've never seen the paper."

Do you have any regrets about becoming a parent? Because you like to talk about rewatching all the shows you missed when we were little.

M: "No because now we're at the point where my children help me with technology and remembering passwords."

I'm pretty sure Dad's passwords are always Colby.

M: "No, he thinks more of himself than of Colby."

What makes me your favorite child?

M: "I get to go shopping with you. And you're funny too, we usually laugh at the same jokes."

Well yes, because I make those jokes. And they're hilarious. What do you like about Patrick? Anything?

M: "I like when we talk about the Bible and history. I like that he will stay up late and talk to me."

So me and Colby are your heathen children?

M: "No, but y'all talk more about pop culture."

Was there anything your parents did that you wanted to do differently?

M: "Yeah, my parents didn't get a lot of time off work to go on vacations. So I wanted to be able to go to the beach for a week with y'all."

Is it too late to mention that Grandma is going to read this?

M: "Edit that then. I basically raised y'all the same way that my parents raised me. I think they did a good job. At least with me, I don't know what happened to Dana."

Looking back, is there anything you wish you had done differently?

M: "I should have made y'all apologize and hug and kiss each other."

Ew, why?

M: "So y'all would love each other more."

I think we love each other. But why were you so big on alone time for us when we were little? Or was that just for me because you needed a break?

M: "That was so you would learn to be independent and creative enough to occupy yourselves and not be bored if you didn't have someone telling you what to do. Why would you not want to be yourself?"

You're such a loser. Did leaving us alone ever backfire?

M: "Yes, when you decided to do your own hair with gel but you used Vicks VapoRub and started crying when it heated up."

Did you pay more attention to me after that?

M: "No, I just moved the VapoRub."

What 3 pieces of advice would you give parents today?

M: "Kids need to hear 'no' - kids need to not sleep in their parents' beds - and they need to have some choices but not all choices. They need to learn how to make decisions but within reason."

Well. There you have it folks. You're welcome.

We Stan Truth in Sentencing

TRIGGER WARNING - sex crimes

One of my favorite things in the world is shirtless Christopher Meloni. And one of the best places to find shirtless Christopher Meloni is Law & Order: SVU. I have of course seen every episode multiple times and I recently started listening to SVU recap podcast, That's Messed Up. I still think that Especially Heinous would have been a better name, but it's a great podcast. 

Throughout this post please enjoy photos of two cat brothers that I lovingly helped name Munch and Finn after two of my favorite dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies. 

The most recent episode of That's Messed Up featured the final episode of season 1 - Slaves. In the episode, Andrew McCarthy plays a guy who keeps a Romanian immigrant as a nanny/sex slave.

But don't worry...it gets worse. This episode is based on a true story. The abduction, imprisonment and torture of Colleen Stan.

I'm not going to go into much detail for obvious reasons, but allow me to introduce you to one of the (many) reasons I support the death penalty. Cameron Hooker.

In 1977 23-year-old Cameron Hooker, with his wife and baby in the car, picked up 20-year-old hitchhiker Colleen Stan. Please keep all comments about the dangers of hitchhiking to yourself. It's 2021. We literally pay strangers to drive us places. Instead of victim blaming let's criminal blame and criminal incarcerate for life (at least). 

Over the next 7 years, Cameron and Janice Hooker kept Colleen in a wooden box under their bed for roughly 23 hours a day, letting her out only for torture. Colleen was finally able to escape and testify in Hooker's 1985 trial, where he was found guilty and sentenced to 104 years in prison.

That sounds almost like justice, right? Wrong. Hooker should not be eligible for another parole hearing until 2030. But. California hopes to reduce prison populations due to COVID-19. So now Hooker could be looking at another parole hearing in March 2021. That's next month.

No. Hell no. I find even the slightest possibility of parole unacceptable for this sadistic piece of shit. I don't normally curse on this blog but I said what I said. Or I typed what I typed. He's been in prison for 35 years. And that's not nearly long enough.

You can sign an online petition to stop his release here.

You can also call, email, or send letters urging the parole board and Governor Gavin Newsom to keep Hooker in prison. The following is contact information supplied by That's Messed Up in their show notes:

Cameron Hooker

CDCR#: D18324

Board of Parole Hearings

Post Office Box 4036

Sacramento, CA   95812-4036

phone: (916) 445-4072

CDCR Office of Survivor Rights and Services victimservices@cdcr.ca.gov

Governor Gavin Newsom

1303 10th Street, Suite 1173

Sacramento, CA   95814

phone: (916) 445-2841

parole@gov.ca.gov

https://govapps.gov.ca.gov/gov40mail/

Sample letter/email:

I urge you to deny Cameron Hooker parole. Not only does his victim Colleen Stan deserve to feel safe, but sadistic criminals like Hooker remain a threat to women everywhere if they are given freedom. We cannot afford to take chances with an individual who has shown the propensity to commit the horrendous crimes Hooker was convicted of. Do not let this man out of jail. Not now. Not ever.

Words with Pervs

My mom has 1010, my dad has 2048, my brother has Pokemon Go, and I have Words With Friends. We're all addicted to something on our phones. For some people it's Instagram likes, others cherish their Snapchat streaks. There are those who collect Facebook friends and those who get a stream of sweet messages from their loved ones. And then there is me...I compete against strangers online who are just as desperate to prove their intelligence as I am.

And in between the ads and the ads (there really are a ridiculous amount of ads), there are messages. There are the messages you expect, like middle aged men trying to hit on you.

What I love about this exchange is that Frank here thinks the issue is that he's older than my father. And it's not ideal, sure, but also you live in Ohio Frank. What is this, The Bachelorette for literacy advocates? I'm not going to be like those guys in middle school who claim their girlfriends are models in Canada. You're not fooling anyone and the best you can hope for it one day appearing on an episode of Catfish or that new show Ghosted which I am SHOCKED I have not been asked to appear on...yet.

But there are also messages you don't expect. Like everyone trying to make Google Hangouts happen.

I don't fully get it but I know it's a scam. And I stand by what I said. Hangouts is for conversing with coworkers. Not beginning an unnecessary and likely exploitative relationship with a stranger from western Europe.

I don't know what they do with your gmail address, but I do know that I get a lot of spammy emails that allege to be from PayPal and that back in December I apparently treated someone in Texas to $50 worth of Panda Express.

It's not all bad. I did play against Shannon Doherty one time.

So remember to practice stranger danger on the internet, don't give anyone you don't work with your gmail, and qi is a word. Who knew?

McBlogging

Well. I'm sitting in my car in the McDonald's parking lot writing this blogpost because my internet is down at home.

Today was a remote learning day, so some readers might be wondering why I didn't just write this blogpost earlier when my internet was working. Contrary to popular belief, when teachers work from home we really are working.

My day involved troubleshooting usernames and passwords so that my students have a fun way to review vocabulary with interactive online games instead of reading a PDF.

It involved sending some happy birthday emails and cat GIFs to students who are trying to celebrate safely during a pandemic.

I updated my presentations with more current and relevant examples and pictures because teaching is reinventing even when it ain't broke.

And of course I had to triple check all of my virtual learning links to make sure that my online classroom is running smoothly and safely.

Then I painstakingly reworded a test to fit the character limits of Kahoot so that my kids can take practice tests as an engaging online quiz. And of course I threw in some wholesome Taylor Swift and NBA memes for good measure.

I emailed answers to student questions ranging from "is there a zoom today?" to "can you write me a recommendation letter?"

The best part of my day was reading through discussion boards where my students and I got to know each other better. They shared their likes and dislikes and talked to their classmates about The Office and basketball and their pet dogs. 

And I'm really sad that we didn't get to do icebreakers in person. You see, no one wants my kids back in school more than me. I am painfully extroverted. I've had my classroom unpacked and ready to go since August. 

I miss talking to my kids about who won the soccer game and what happened on Grey's Anatomy and which celebrities are feuding on Twitter. I miss them making fun of me. I miss them cringing when I sing along to the Glee cast album in class. I miss spending too much money on Halloween candy at Target and then being shocked that they always go for sour stuff over chocolate. I miss how excited they get when they think they got me off topic but in reality I am a train that is easily derailed because I genuinely love talking to them about the things they care about. 

As much as I wish things would go back to normal tomorrow, I think it's important to consider the long-term consequences of high schoolers returning before teachers are vaccinated. 

You can find more information here. And if you agree, I would appreciate you signing this petition. And if you disagree, that's fine too. There are no easy solutions that will make everyone happy. In the words of Tamra Judge, "that's my opinion."

We're not asking for "more days off" because I can assure you, virtual learning creates MORE work for teachers, not less.

All we're asking for is time. To reopen safely and sustainably.

New Year, Pneu Monia

I think it's finally time for me to reflect on this time last year. Mostly because I have no desire to reflect on this time this year.

This is what I thought we would be getting.

But this is what we actually got, am I right?

While the pandemic had yet to reach America (as far as we know) back in January 2020, I was dealing with some concerning respiratory symptoms. Mainly a cough. It was a constant tickle in my throat that I could not get rid of, like a Reddit notification.

So I did what anyone in my position would do.

And by my position - I mean an American with American healthcare.

I complained and then insisted I was fine when anyone suggested going to see a doctor. I don't know about you, but where I come from (again, America), doctors cost money. I was convinced that it would cost me between $40 and $90 to see my doctor. Now I am not sure where I got these numbers from. I super don't understand insurance. My thought process is to look at the highest price on my insurance card, and if that doesn't seem worth it, then don't go to the doctor. BUT! Take advantage of the healthcare you know is free. Grocery store cart wipes. Public restroom soap. Restaurant napkins. 

So I continued to live my life and hack up my lungs until my throat felt like raw beef jerky, if you can imagine that. I finally broke down and asked my mom what the copay would be if I went to the walk-in clinic at my doctor's office. I didn't want to ask her earlier because she might have tried to bully me into "putting my health first" and "skipping Hobby Lobby this week" and other things I don't want to do.

When Missy informed me that my copay should be $10, I figured I could swing the office visit. So I got up early and headed to walk-in hours, motivated by the hope of strong medication and Sandra's donuts.

I got to see my normal doctor and after listening to my lungs and hearing my other symptoms, she said I needed to go downstairs for a chest x-ray. Not so fast Dr. N! First, I had 2 very important questions for her.

1 - Would I need to remove my earrings for the x-ray. Because if so, it just wouldn't be worth it. No one has that kind of time and patience. I'll just have to die.

And 2 - How much would it cost? Now, my doctor said she didn't know. But I simply could not accept that. 

When you see a cute tote bag in the 50% off bin, and the price tag doesn't show the 50% discount so it might be $10, but it could be $5...that is a calculated risk that I am willing to take. If it's not on sale I can always have the cashier take it off my ticket. Or I can mention that it was advertised as on sale and see if they make me an offer. 

But with a medical procedure...what are my options? I certainly can't give the x-ray back. Mainly because they didn't let me keep it but also because the cost is mainly due to the equipment needed for the procedure itself and not the film it's printed on.

As much as I understood that my doctor really did not know how much it would cost me after insurance, I needed her to understand that unless I got a reasonable estimate, they would not be radiating my chest cavity.

So I pulled out my insurance card because we were gonna do this together. Now this poor woman is probably thinking "I did not go to 4 years of medical school and complete a residency to answer insurance benefit questions." And I totally get that. She had more important things to do. But ultimately, she was more willing to do a task beneath her skill set than I was willing to pay for a procedure above my salary.

She came back with paperwork verifying the x-ray was free and after pinky promising that I wasn't with child and keeping all 12 of my earrings in, they performed the x-ray.

Oh yeah, I had walking pneumonia. Nothing like Waltzing Matilda. 

BIBLE TL; DR Mary & Martha

Back in the day Jesus and his disciples used to walk all over the place in their Bethlehem cruizers sandals while The Boys Are Back in Town played in the background. At least that's what I like to think happened. There were no vloggers back then so who's to say, aside from Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. 

One day, Jesus and the bois were passing through the town of Bethany. Bethany was like a suburb of Jerusalem. All the retail convenience of the big city with less traffic. There were three siblings who lived in Bethany named Mary, Martha and Lazarus who were total Jesus fangirls.

While Jesus was passing through town, Martha was like “Jesus! Jesus! Over here! Come here!” because she heard that Jesus told the best stories. Jesus was like "aight, bet" so He came inside and told some stories. While Jesus was in charge of story time, Mary sat at his feet and listened. She even put her phone away and everything.

While Mary was listening to Jesus, Martha was all busy, like Swiffering and cooking and cleaning and dusting and emptying the lint trap in the dryer because she didn’t want the house to burn down with the Messiah inside and she knows lint traps are the number one cause of home fires. Martha was big mad because she was doing all the work while Mary just chilled. So she snitched to Jesus expecting him to like, smite Mary or something. 

But plot twist! Jesus was like “girl, take a chillaxative." And He didn't tell Mary to get up and go help Martha. He didn't even tell Martha He was disappointed in her. Instead He just said that what Mary had chosen was better and it would not be taken for her...which is much more cryptic and foreboding. Kind of a cliffhanger. 

So next time your mom tells you to clean your room you should tell her this story.