Don't Touch Me I'm Famous

As some of you may know, yesterday I was catapulted into stardom after the genius of my tweets was recognized by semi-national news. I know, finally.

So far I have been able to continue going about my daily life under the radar. I think this is likely due to the fact that I'm virtually unrecognizable to my adoring public because my Twitter picture looks nothing like me (it looks much better than me, that's why it's my Twitter picture).

In the whirlwind since USA Today and Sports Illustrated I have been contemplating how I will leverage my new-found fame. Here I have compiled a list of my top 10 favorite options (in no particular order). Additionally, I have not ruled out using my Sports Illustrated cred to find a way into the swimsuit issue.


1. E!
It has been my dream to have my own E! reality show ever since I first learned how to pronounce Kardashian. If my blog is any indication, my closest friends and family for the most part will not watch my show but I think I could really corner the market of semi-close Facebook acquaintances trying to do anything other than homework on Sunday afternoons. The best part is that the show has no premise, cameras just follow me around my incredibly busy life. Sometimes I sit in the living room on my laptop, sometimes I lay in my bed on my laptop, anything can happen really. And I already narrate my life in my head so there's no script necessary. The worst part is that I might have to look into wearing more pants. 

2. SNL
Not even in my wildest dreams would I be invited slash allowed to host Saturday Night Live. But I'm thinking eventually someone important enough will hear my name and I will be able to tour Studio 8H. I would say that I will 100% embarrass myself if I get within 100 feet of any past or present cast member, but in all honesty I wouldn't be embarrassed at all. I have zero couth and zero shame, a deadly combination. Also I love you Colin Jost.

3. Radio Show
My father has always told me I have a face for radio. I would love to have my own radio show. No need for hair, makeup or wardrobe, plus I could gain as much weight as I wanted. Should my charisma and spunk produce a stalker, he or she won't know what I look like. In the much more likely case that my outspoken opinions produce some disgruntled citizens, they won't be able to assassinate me because I'm just another faceless voice like Johnny Gilbert and whoever really did Gwyneth Paltrow's singing parts on Glee.

4. Celebrity Jeopardy!
I realize this should probably be a subhead under SNL but in my perfect world that I invite you all to live in, Celebrity Jeopardy! is its own show. It comes on ABC right after Jeopardy! much to the delight of everyone who plans their days around Alex Trebek (mainly just me). Celebrity Jeopardy! is my favorite SNL sketch. In the show, Will Ferrell would continue to play Trebek in every episode and Darrell Hammond would always be there as Sean Connery. I will appear as various celebrities alongside a new guest star for each episode. I've already started brainstorming categories. "Pronouncing Idina Menzel" will be great for when John Travolta guest stars.

5. Lifetime
To quote some lady doing stand-up that I saw this one time "Lifetime. TV for women. Except every time I watch Lifetime a woman is being raped, killed, or beaten. Whose lifetime is that?" I love Lifetime shows though and I was personally offended when I wasn't asked to be on Big Women: Big Love. Everyone thinks that's ridiculous of me, saying that I can't be on that show because I'm not overweight. I think the real reason is because this show follows women in their dating lives and I would have no material. My Lifetime show would be like Between Two Ferns, I would interview different celebrities every week and ask them the tough questions. I really want to ask Katie Holmes if she was actually ever pregnant. Google image search that, you'll see what I mean.

6. Honorary Degree
Colleges will give honorary degrees to any old celebrity who was ever spotted on a TMZ camera. I swear all you have to do to get an honorary Masters degree from Brown is be within 3 degrees of Emma Watson. Or donate a couple million dollars. Back in my day we had to work for fake degrees, you had to be an expert at photoshop, or at the very least know someone who owned a copy machine, a real degree, and a bottle of white out. In any event, I will happily accept an honorary doctorate in Near and Middle Eastern Studies from any university so that I can go ahead and start professing without all the grad school.

7. Dating Show
It just makes sense. I have watched more dating reality shows than I care to admit. So I think I have created the perfect formula. I want the drama of Bad Girls Club with the hot guys of The Bachelorette with the judges of Project Runway with the confessionals of Jersey Shore and the challenges of America's Next Top Model. And of course the winner will get to propose to me with a yellow pear cut diamond engagement ring donated by Neil Lane. Or you know, whatever, I haven't really thought about it much.

8. Book Deal
Every time I get a phone call from an unknown number there's a huge part of me that thinks it will be a publisher interested in turning White Girl Wednesday into a book. And every single time I don't answer because I get too excited and some would say too far ahead of myself. Apparently shopping for book cover outfits before you have actually written a book is counting your eggs before they crack. Tell that to the 3 pairs of shoes I bought today because I decided footwear really sets the tone for the whole book. I think that the best part about having a book deal would be that my threats will carry more weight. For years I've been telling people who piss me off "If I were you, I would think long and hard about how this scene is going to play out in my autobiography." and unfortunately for now those are just empty words. For now.

9. White Girl Wednesday: The Musical
Because how awesome would this be? I have so many original songs already written for a White Girl Wednesday musical spectacular. And by written I mean remixed. The opening act will be I Just Can't Wait For A Ring, a sassy new version of I Just Can't Wait To Be King that instead focuses on my desire to marry soon. Lea Michele will star as me of course. If you're currently friends with me and want someone other than Kristen Stewart to play you, then I'd start treating me better. Just something to consider.

10. Newspaper Column
Two words. Carrie Bradshaw. My blog is already really similar to a newspaper column, I could just keep writing White Girl Wednesday but expand my audience. Although it is hard to imagine people who actually read the newspaper reading my blog.  To be fair, it's hard to imagine being able to afford an actual newspaper. But when I think of adoring fans across the nation (okay my immediate family from across my hometown) clipping my articles out of the newspaper I can't help but want to be a columnist. Also, I think that if I write for a newspaper I automatically get a never-ending supply of pencil skirts, stylish glasses and trench coats. I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere.