[Bro]setta Stone

Let's be real, what guys say and what they actually mean are two completely different things. It's kind of like how when a girl says she's fine the only thing you can know for certain is that she is 100% not "fine" except for it's actually completely different from that. Because us girls generally just say the opposite of what we mean (It's fine = It's terrible, I'm okay = I'm going to die, I don't wear that anymore because it's too big = It is way too small now, thanks for reminding me, etc...) but with guys there's a whole cryptic system that even Benedict Cumberbatch couldn't figure out.

You asked me to help decode guy speak (or at least you would if this blog had some sort of feedback/questions mechanism) and your wish is my command. So I tried my hand at translating. One quick disclaimer: regardless of my level of interest I call every guy dude and apparently that makes me ill-equipped to give anyone boy advice. Don't take me as the gospel. Take me as more of The National Enquirer.


He says: "I love you."
He means: You said it first and it made me uncomfortable but the good new is I like you enough to lie to you. And after the first time I couldn't just stop saying it back so it will be a self-perpetuating lie until you dump me, I dump you, or I actually mean it. Place your bets now.

He says: "You look nice."
He means: Why do you look nice? Are you trying to impress someone? What's his name?

He says: "I was busy."
He means: Not so much in the sense that I was actually doing something, but more in the sense that I didn't want to talk to you.

He says: "Always."
He means: For the foreseeable future (i.e. the next month). Past that, don't try to hold me to this promise. I can remember how many points Jordan scored in game 3 against the Jazz in the 1998 NBA Finals, but I will not remember this.

He says: "I don't like labels."
He means: AKA, I don't like the label my girlfriend being on you.

He says: "You can't come over tonight we're having a guys' night."
He means: ...with a few girls, which is why you're not invited.

He says: "You're being crazy."
He means: It's crazy that you have emotions and you express them. I'm going to need you to work on that.

He says: "Oh her? We were just friends."
He means: With benefits. About a month ago. Just keep walking please if you don't make eye contact maybe it will go away.

He says: "You know my mom loves you."
He means: She loves you now that I told her we broke up to get her off my back. If we get married one of you will have to cave.

He says: "Yeah I'm totally looking for a serious relationship too."
He means: So serious that you share your Netflix password with me and let me crash when I want but not serious enough that you ask me to attend a wedding with you or give me a key.

He says: "No, I don't find her attractive."
He means: Ever since she turned me down.

He says: "I would say I'm ready to settle down."
He means: As in settle down on your couch for a few weeks, I need a place to stay.

He says: "Woman Crush Wednesday"
He means: I'm killing 3 birds with one hashtag here, showing other girls I'm desirable, showing everyone what a great boyfriend I am and forcing you to forgive me for whatever I did wrong. I dare you to be mad at me after an adorable post like that. Nothing the perfect filter can't fix.