What The Actual Lail

Disclaimer #1 This post will be about a bachelorette party.
Disclaimer #2 This post will still be appropriate, so keep reading Mom.

One of the few people strong enough to stay friends with me through the freak show that was middle school is getting married this Friday! So naturally, the girls had to get together for a very mild and tasteful bachelorette party where we painted our nails and watched a G-rated movie and went to bed by 9PM. When you've been friends for as long as we have, you can reminisce for hours. For some girls this might mean tales of proms past, stories from playing sports and going to school together and memories of sleepovers a decade ago. For us, it means remembering always being late to statistics, singing Christmas carols while doing wall sits, combined birthday dance parties and of course telling the story of the time Alex almost ate a french fry.

I've decided to recap the night via 3 main areas of interest: dinner, the hotel and mystery men. It makes sense if you don't think about it.

Dinner
Dinner included several orders of bacon mac & cheese and several waiters asking if I wanted a drink. After double fisting ice water for most of the meal, I finally just told the waiter that I couldn't drink because I was pregnant. "I don't drink" no one seems to understand, "I'm creating a life" they get. Dinner also spurred round 1 of embarrassing memories, like the french fry fiasco, and several nights that we had to piece together via snapchat stories the next day. Between concerts in Raleigh, parties in Greenville, frats in Chapel Hill and a dozen years of friendship, we had a lot of material to cover.

Hotel
Back at the hotel, the bride opened her presents, you know, daily devotionals for newlyweds, 100 prayers for all couples, something new, something blue and the like. As the bride prepared to throw away the wrapping paper and gift bags I leapt into action to salvage the tissue paper because that stuff is expensive. We ate cupcakes, sang kumbaya, and expertly applied lipstick as we were helping the bride kiss her single life goodbye (which some of us did better than others...my lipstick print looks beyond unfortunate and is one of my biggest regrets in life). In an interesting turn of events, the hotel room did not include a mini fridge so beverages (wine) were served out of a trashcan full of ice for the remainder of the evening. The trashcan wine cooler to actual trashcan ratio ended up being 2:1.

Mystery Men 
Yes. Men. Plural. Wearing all black, our coven of 13 ladies collecting quite the fan following throughout the night. I think this is thanks to a combination of factors: the heels we all very much regretted by the end of the night, an equal mix of awkward and amazing dance moves and of course, Chatham County charm. #NoNewFriends

Mystery Guys at the Bar
Apparently nothing says buy us drinks like a group of woo girls in a bachelorette party. Seriously, every time someone acknowledged us, we just had to woo, it's some weird science thing I think, an involuntary response. One gentleman in particular bought 3 rounds. We salute you.

Mystery Men on the Street
Oh these guys, let me tell you. The party paused to sit down on some benches and plan our next move, walking to Waffle House, when 3 guys approached us. After being delighted that we thought they seemed slightly younger than their 30 years, they guessed that we were around 25, which was terribly offensive to our group with a median age of 22. They then invited us to continue our party at their house and were genuinely surprised when we declined, somehow not understanding that given the choice of a stranger's house or Waffle House, we unanimously chose waffles.

Mystery Friend
This guy...where do I even begin? We first saw him in a bar when he came up to one of my friends like he had known her his whole life. He was 50% high fives and smiling, 50% awkward laughter and 50% barely intelligible small talk. And I realize that those numbers add up to over 100% and that is because this guy was so extra. We saw him again on the street and he asked us where his friends were. His friends that we had never seen before. But the real kicker was that as we were ending the night at the Cook-Out drive through, as one does, he appears again, stronger than ever before, as if he's had a power nap or a turbo charge or something. He was traipsing around the cars in line, spotted us and saw an open window in the sense that literally, our car windows were down, so we had another brief convo, sent him on his way, and promptly watched him open the door and enter the car in front of us, only to realize it was the wrong car. I sure hope that kid is alright.


This experience has given me some insight into what I would like my bachelorette party to consist of should the hand of God intervene and I find myself engaged.
First, there would be dinner, something to convey the class and caliber of the event. I'm thinking Golden Corral, but only one with a chocolate fountain. A lady has her standards.
Since we all know I'm getting married on July 4th, after dinner we would head to the beach, because why celebrate me for a night when you could celebrate me for an entire weekend? Heck, why stop there, take off the whole month of June and we'll just work on tan lines, cuticle care and eyebrow maintenance for 30 days.
Once we get to the beach house generously donated by a TBD individual, we will watch Saturday Night Live: Best of Justin Timberlake and play Cards Against Humanity, the party game for horrible people.
After I win Cards Against Humanity it will be time for...Globe Games! The series of games played with my globe, Richard, that only I enjoy. My ladies can take turns spinning the globe (after they wash their hands of course) and quizzing me on world capitals. Naturally, this could go on for hours.
Since I don't drink, we will take shots of brownie batter. This is not wrong.
After gossiping all night, we will frolic on the beach all the live long day, AKA I will read and swim in the ocean and everyone else will probably sleep.
My bachelorette party. A girl can dream.