If you’ve never seen this series, it’s like what a middle school talent show wants to be when it grows up. There are no participation ribbons and contestants are judged on factors other than applause. Simon Cowell is an executive producer so that certainly tells you…something.
My immediate family really loves this show but I stopped keeping up with it once I moved out because an inherent part of the show is judging people. I just hate seeing people feel bad about themselves. (That’s why I don’t look in mirrors. Too far?) Sometimes there are acts that are legitimately terrible, and the judges have to be honest with the contestants. Well, not every judge. If a bad act has already gotten bad reviews from the first 3 judges, the 4th and final judge has some leeway to play good cop. It’s normally Heidi Klum or Mel B. After the other judges completely eviscerate the act and there is no chance of it moving on, the last judge, knowing he or she will never have to see this person again, can really lay on the charm. “I completely disagree with the other judges, I thought that your brother-sister yodeling of Total Eclipse of the Heart was fantastic!” But watching someone who really believes they’re talented being told that they aren’t good at what they do is heartbreaking. It reminds me of literally every time my family hears me singing.
Furthermore, sometimes the judges comment on performances that they are completely unqualified to speak on. I completely understand Mel B. saying that a singer was pitchy, or Howie Mandel saying that a comedian’s timing was off. But the second Howard Stern tells me I didn’t hit a note…no. Stay in your lane. It’s like if John Stamos told me I was ugly I would say “You know what, you’re right and I’m sorry” but if Marilyn Manson told me the same thing I just wouldn't care as much, his opinion doesn’t hold the same weight.
I try to get past the fact that this show crushes the hopes and dreams of perfectly nice people every week and I watch it when I’m home. Which brings me to another fun AGT fact. Only 1 current judge on this show is an American. That wasn’t a political statement just a point I find humorous. But then I realize that as Americans, we are terrible judges of talent. France had Coco Chanel. Italy had Michelangelo. Canada has Shania Twain. And we are a nation that idolizes Paris Hilton. Suddenly I see why with all the jobs America outsources, we've added these 3 more.
Maybe that’s why there are so many acts on AGT that I just don’t get, TMZ has made me soft. One drag queen had a singing act. That I don’t understand. The whole point of this show is that the winner gets their own show in Las Vegas (and like a million dollars). Why would I want to spend 60 minutes in Las Vegas watching a guy who looks better in an evening gown than I do? Talk about demoralizing.
Pretty much any act that isn’t comedy, I don’t enjoy. There are a lot of great magicians I’ve seen on this show that incorporate comedy into their acts and let me tell you, magic and comedy is a beautiful union, like pineapple and A1 (I promise it's delicious). I even love the magicians who just do magic because magic makes you think, and not just about the world we live in, but also about the world that rabbits live in. Every time a magician reaches into a hat I imagine the chaos going on in the bunny realm as they choose a sacrifice.
Watching this show I can’t help but think about what my talent would be if I were to audition. After weeks of contemplating it has become apparent that I have no discernable talent, but I do have a lot of quirks that could pass as talents. For instance, I can stand on an empty stage and have audience members send in personal photos that I come up with Instagram captions for. A talent that’s giving back, I like that. A natural extension of that show would be a follow-up act where I tell audience members which filters to use. I can pull random celebrity names out of a hat and list everyone they've been married to and all their children. I can recite every card in Cards Against Humanity. I can do a number of daily tasks with only one hand while my other hand holds my book open. I can't imagine the kind of people who would pay to watch me brush my teeth and put on makeup with one hand but a few more years of Paris Hilton and who knows how low American standards will drop?
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