This weekend I was reunited with several of my best friends from college (okay, several of my only friends from college) and we did all sorts of adult things including but not limited to eating at Golden Corral, smelling every candle in Target, arguing about our favorite and least favorite Parks and Rec characters, eating cheese fries with extra parmesan peppercorn, and of course having an in-depth discussion of kuru, among other ailments.
I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes. For 4 years and thousands of dollars, you too can have such sophisticated and stimulating plans and conversations. Of course, when it comes to discussing boys I haven't progressed much past middle school. When examining love interests with my girlfriends this weekend, we took a wrong turn at cheating ex-boyfriends and the conversation naturally progressed to plagues.
As we contemplated rabies, vaccinations, Parkinson's and the way epidemics have more disastrous affects on less developed nations, I began to think.
First I thought about Outbreak because that movie is awesome and it really makes me wonder how Ross could have been so irresponsible when he got Marcel. The capuchins are out to get us, wake up sheeple. But then I thought about a world where instead of being terminal or degenerative, epidemics alter behavior only for the populations who need it. And I must say, I think I'm on to something.
Respondoplasmosis
A disorder affecting people who have read receipts on and do not text you back repeatedly claiming they "forgot" or "thought they did" or "just got out of the ER". Newsflash - unless you tragically broke both thumbs, being in the ER for an emergency appendectomy is really no excuse to not reply to my "LOL". Once someone has respondoplasmosis, they will literally become incapable of walking anywhere until they respond. Sure this could have some unforeseen consequences and it could make for some messy intersections in the near future but give it time. People will stop looking at their phones when they cross the street, I can tell you that.
Dynamismia
Dyamismia affects people who have a preternatural proclivity for stopping in doorways, on sidewalks or walking too slow. Once infected, should another person enter a 1 foot radius of the dynamismic, their pace will increase gradually until they are out of range. Unfortunately, not fully understanding the severity of the condition, introverts and anthropophobics will attempt to get infected, drinking after the dynamismics and breathing their air to no avail. This is my world and you're all just suffering behavior-based plagues in it.
Hypocrititis
A fan favorite, hypocrititis affects people who are obnoxiously hypocritical, which last time I checked was somewhere in the neighborhood of all of us. The hypocrititis pandemic will primarily affect people who use social media to amplify their hypocrisy. Once afflicted, the patient will have to post a one page essay on how they are perfect before complaining about someone else on social media. This of course, does not apply to complaining about celebrities, political figures, or the woman who stole your husband. I gotta have something to live for.
Politicaphoria
Another social media related disease, politicaphoria affects those who constantly make political Facebook posts when they have no idea what they are talking about and couldn't even name the 2 political parties in America (elephants and donkeys for those of you keeping score at home). Once infected with politicaphoria, the individual will suddenly second-guess everything they say, thinking it sounds wrong, thus shattering the euphoria and letting them hear themselves as the rest of the world does.
Wraphylococcus
Wraphylococcus affects people who, when eating a bag of individually wrapped candies, place empty wrappers back in the bag. This disease actually doesn't alter the behavior, as it is unforgivable. The wrapper-putter-backers are just wiped out. Gone. And the world is a better place for it.
Hashtagnia
Due to the widespread nature of hashtaddicts, hashtagnia has evolved into 2 strains. Hashtagnia majora affects people who use excessive hashtags, rendering them incapable of using a hashtag, even an ironic hashtag, ever again. This is serious folks. Hashtag minora affects people who try to include punctuation in hashtags. It just doesn't work that way. Live it. Learn it.
Reliabilia
Reliabilia targets those who are constantly breaking plans or arriving late. Cruelly called the "mommy malady" reliabilia often affects those who are understandably forgetful because they have so much to do and remember every day. But unfortunately this disease affects the fickle all the same with no regard for apologetics. She is a cruel mistress, reliabilia.
Captionemia
Social medialites who commit all 7 deadly caption sins in a single post will find themselves riddled with captionemia, a sickness that forces sufferers to have at least 3 others check their caption before posting. Should they not acquire proofreaders each and every time, they will be afflicted with the least Instagrammable symptom of all time...diarrhea.
7 Deadly Caption Sins
1. Grammatical errors
2. Factual errors
3. Grammatical errors again because WHEN WILL YOU LEARN
4. Unrelated quote or expression with a selfie
5. Caption theft
6. Misquote
7. Marilyn Monroe quote, Gandhi quote or Bible verse with a selfie that does not include Marilyn Monroe, Gandhi or Jesus (If the selfie includes a disciple but no Jesus there's some gray area and I'll see what I can do.)
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