This whole post is one big spoiler, so if for some reason you have yet to watch the premiere of American Horror Story's 5th season, no judgment. I understand, some days I'm super productive and watch an entire season of Parks and Rec and then other days I get sidetracked and end up Instagram-stalking the youngest Kardashians all the way back to 2011. But Lady Gaga stars in AHS: Hotel so please get with it sooner rather than later.
And once you've caught up, read this! My initial thoughts during AHS: Hotel episode 1. In a very particular order.
1. "No refunds. Welcome to America." Tbh...accurate.
2. I think we all know the foreigners will die within the first episode. Something about them, they def. lack staying power.
3. This place will grow on you."...yeah that's not creepy at all. That's pretty much AHS character speak for "you can never leave." I'm calling it now. Hotel California.
4. No wifi AND it's a dead zone? The viewer discretion warnings weren't kidding. I'm a viewer and I'm discressed. They could end the season right here honestly. What could be more horrifying? AHS: No Reception. Starring Sprint.
5. 100% no. 50 shades of over those kids. I am hopping on the first train straight out of Doneville. Buh bye.
6. Who travels with candles? I feel like this needs further explanation.
7. I have never been more terrified of a mattress. And half of my furniture was picked up from curbs in Chapel Hill. I've seen things.
8. I automatically turned the volume down because that makes it less scary right? That seems logical.
9. Dude is that thing coming out of the mattress me going to the beach for the first time after a long winter? How did they get footage of that?
10. I don't think any title sequence image will ever be more terrifying than that smiling nun from AHS: Asylum. But that could stem from my deep-seated fear of Catholicism. I blame the Kennedys.
11. Room 64 I feel like that is important. After years of watching TV like it's my job, hobby and only friend, my powers are telling me to remember this.
12. Note to my closest friends: if I ever find myself in this position, if I am this guy with no eyes or tongue, please just kill me. Literally begging you.
13. Y'all are making more assumptions about this crime scene than an English professor at a literary metaphors convention.
14. That's why no one born after the formation of the Spice Girls answers the phone when there is no contact for the number. Because it's almost always an unknown killer pretending to be your somewhat estranged wife Chloe Sevigny.
15. I recognize Schmidt from the jawline alone.
16. This seems out of character for her right? Just handing over keys like that with no money.
17. Yeah room 64 again. Nothing good is going on in there.
18. For some reason I doubt that the elevator is even out of service. I don't think it's terribly important I just don't believe her and I want that on the record.
19. YASSSSS Queen Sarah how I've missed you. Is it too late to change my Halloween costume to Hypodermic Sally?
20. This maid has seen (and cleaned) too much. Also I wish she was Moira from AHS: Murder House.
21. I'm confused, you're confused, we're all confused. That's the AHS I know and love.
22. Why would you run TOWARDS these blonde children?
23. GUYLINER. That is all. It appears all caps is becoming a thing in this post. I'M NOT SORRY.
24. Wait, what are they wearing? Are they matadors? I can't tell what this look is supposed to be.
25. But also YASSSS GAGA YASSSS SLAY.
26. She's probably actually gonna slay someone.
27. Tbh I haven't been on a date in so long this might be normal.
28. Oh hey girls I forgot about you. They're not gonna give America a good Yelp review.
29. I recognize that this is disgusting, but have these girls ever seen AHS? Obvi not, because this is like the least cruel thing Kathy's character could possibly be doing. They're lucky she's not dismembering them. This is honestly not that bad. I've accidentally cooked things that tasted worse, I'm sure.
30. Cannot wait to learn about why Iris and Sally have beef.
31. What's in room 33?!
32. Sorry girl I am 100% leaving you. If you make it back to Slovakia or wherever we can fight about this then.
33. This is like a baseball player looking at the ball he hit when he should be running to 1st, drives me crazy. You deserve to get thrown out. Or...that.
34. Really starting to wonder what they're using for the fake blood. It's a recurring theme here.
35. Just what every little girl wants, to be left alone at the scene of a possible crime involving my mother at night.
36. His kid is so gonna get abducted. List of people who know this kid is getting napped: the kid, the napper, Pepper, all bystanders, Lady Gaga, Delphine LaLaurie, people 3 counties over, Sister Mary Eunice.
37. His kid is totes a baby vamp. Baby vamp that sounds like the name of a Harajuku girl.
38. Marcy! Hey girl!
39. This Lachlan kid kind of looks like an Olsen.*
40. Okay Lachlan is annoying. If your dad doesn't want you talking to strangers, then why did your dad leave you alone with a stranger? Huh Lachlan?
41. Holden! Oh he's so cute and is he talking weird? And did Lachlan smile creepily? I do not feel good about this AT ALL.
42. Okay this is a flashback. Gotta get used to recognizing those.
43. BAD. This is BAD.
44. We gotta work on this lipstick girl. That hurts my heart. Miranda Sings called. She got lipstick all over the phone.
45. Real talk how is she walking in heels rn?
46. Standing by the window is probably the worst idea ever, can't really feel sorry for her. As long as she stays on the show I don't care if she's dead or alive.
47. Hotel California, there it is. (See #3)This explains so much.
*Did some research. No relation.
No comments:
Post a Comment