Putting the FUN in Funeral

Funerals. Everybody wants one, nobody wants to plan it. I don't think that reads as good as it sounds in my head but at least I've got your attention.

Let's try an alternative opening.

Some little girls grow up thinking about their wedding. Planning the menu, brainstorming locations, designing the dress, hiring and firing bridesmaids, blah and blah blah blah blah. I'll admit to partaking in this female rite of passage. I've got plans for my wedding, most of them concerning decorating with as much black as possible, avoiding flowers and incorporating Harry Potter.

But if I'm being honest with myself, which I rarely ever do, it's a bit of a waste to mentally plan my wedding. Who knows when and if I will ever get to put those plans into action. Excitement kicks in, one thing leads to another and all of a sudden I'm stuck with 30 pounds of black feathers that I may or may not ever get to use. (I'll definitely use them and I got a great deal but you see my point.) So I've started (and finished) planning my funeral.

Guest List
It's not so much that I have a list of people I definitely want in attendance, but a list of people who should under no circumstances be allowed to attend. My best friend since high school keeps the list and I update it regularly. My therapist says this is very unhealthy and not recommended.  

Menu
Everything will start with a C. Just because. Cheese. Cookies. Chocolate. Carbs. Crispy M&Ms. Chicken. Cantaloupe. Couscous. My guests will nibble at the assortment with confused expressions whispering to each other "what is she trying to tell us?" and they will never figure it out.
Unless they read this blog.

Location
Definitely a beach. People get married at the beach all the time so I want my funeral at the beach. That's what makes it a FUNeral. That way instead of saying "I'm going to a funeral" *sad face* everyone can say "I went to the beach!" *sunburnt face*.

Body Specifics
I don't want a casket. I just genuinely don't understand the point of paying a lot of money for a box. I also don't feel the need to be embalmed, that just doesn't seem environmentally kosher since I want my body dumped in the ground so it can decompose and grow a lemon tree. I love lemons.
If someone really feels the need to "see me" one last time, just use my wax figure. Either my personal one or Madame Tussaud's, it doesn't matter.

Roasters
Instead of a traditional service, I want a Friars Club roast. The roasters of course will be all of my closest friends in the comedy business. Amy Schumer, Colin Jost (also playing the part of heartbroken widower), Kate McKinnon, Melissa McCarthy, David Sedaris, Amy Poehler and my mother. She's actually kind of funny sometimes.

Network 
Several major networks will vie for the rights to broadcast my funeral but I'm currently negotiating an exclusive contract with TLC. The special is tentatively titled Roasted: Dead or Alive (Definitely Dead).

Dress Code
No black. Black is MY thing. I want everyone to wear my other favorite color, yellow, to my funeral. Almost everyone looks terrible in yellow unless they have a tan so if I die in the winter, I'm sorry. Still try to take lots of selfies at my funeral. It's what I would have wanted.

Program
Before my imminent passing, I will design the programs to be distributed. I will sell advertising space to political candidates and corporations like McDonald's, Target, LOFT and Barnes & Noble. I also want the program to include animal facts as I think it is important to have fun reading material at these things.

Party Favors
After the roast and meal, each attendant will leave with a lovely parting gift! A free eyebrow maintenance kit! My only goal in life was to leave this world a more beautiful place and I think after empowering my guests with tweezers and brow gel we can all agree, mission accomplished.