Spoiler/Disclaimer: This isn't a post about my plans to steal the identity of and/or murder my roommates. I keep those plans private. So if that's what you were here for you can stop reading but if you're my mother breathing a sigh of relief right now (and she is at least 25% of my fan base), read on.
If I've learned anything from this blog it's that my friends don't read it and the people who actually do read it appreciate storytelling. Stories like my car breaking down, our excursion to Hong KONG Buffet, Ginny's weekend in the emergency room and of course, that wench Shari, those bring in the big pennies.
So I decided to tell another story about my favorite subject. Myself. In the form of a dating profile. This is really killing 2 birds with 1 blogpost (getting views & getting dates) because if anyone reads it I will already know they have a very sophisticated sense of humor and that we have a lot in common. I love my blog, they love my blog. I love writing about myself, they love reading about myself.
I don't know what is supposed to go on a dating profile so in the following profile for myself I have included everything that I would want to know about a potential suitor. Feel free to email me your applications and please include references but keep in mind that I can't promise I won't end up dating your references.
Name: Rachel, Rae, Rach, R-Dawg, R-Dizzle, Loser, D-Rain
Height: I used to be 5'7" but I'm pretty sure I lean towards 5'6" now. Not when I'm actually leaning, actually leaning I'm like 5'4".
Build: My mom says I'm "sturdy".
Coloring: I love to color! Oh, you mean like my hairs. I'm a winter which means I can wear anything but look best in jewel tones. (TL; DR - eyes & hair are golden amber NOT brown)
Race: No thanks, not a fan of cardio.
Location: 99% of the time I'm in my chair in the living room watching Naked and Afraid.
Age: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU! BUT I'M FEELIN 22 (for a few more days)
Status: Childless spinster. But I think the proper term is single, never married, no children.
MBTI: ESFJ (I feel this really explains my entire identity.)
Perfect Date: What is a date?
Goals: The usual. Watch & understand Game of Thrones, have a sandwich named after me at a local diner, publish a series of memoirs that get adapted into an Tony-winning musical.
Likes: Reality television, empty carbohydrates, Buzzfeed, Harry Potter, John Stamos & not much else.
Loves: Lin-Manuel Miranda, Plizzanet Earth, lemon poppy seed muffins.
Dislikes: The Oxford comma, running, Dolores Umbridge, science, waking up, grasshoppers, people who claim to do things "ironically", grammatical errors, winter, the North, excessive hashtags, the color purple, Katherine Heigl.
Favorite Bath & Body Works Scent: Eucalyptus Spearmint
Favorite Instagram Filter: Valencia
Favorite Song From Hamilton: Non-Stop
Favorite M&Ms: Crispy (specifically the green ones, they taste better I promise)
Least Favorite Kardashian/Jenner: Kylie
Favorite Color: Yellow
Actual Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Season of AHS: Coven
Hobbies: Needlepoint, parkour, buying things to make myself happy.
Deal Breakers: Grammatical errors, being younger than me even by an hour, Patriots fans, prefers mountains to beach, has never seen Notting Hill, does not know every word to 1989, snorers, eats mushrooms.
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