How To: Online Date

Continuing the White Girl Wednesday tradition of giving advice in fields I know very little to absolutely nothing about, today's post is a tutorial in online dating. I haven't met my soulmate on a dating site, but I have read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari, so who better to give you online dating advice? (Aside from literally anyone who has been in a relationship ever.)

Stigma Schmiga
Why is there a social stigma about meeting someone on the internet? Think about it, there are much weirder ways to meet people. You could meet someone while you're trying to steal their car. Or while you're shoplifting from the mall store they manage. Or probably in some situation that doesn't even involve larceny, but the possibilities multiply exponentially when you go online. How else are you going to meet someone while sitting alone in your apartment wearing your raccoon pajamas and binge-watching Little Women: Atlanta with a pint of ice cream and a pepperoni pizza (hypothetically)? So let's spend less time judging people for meeting online, and more time inventing new ways to eat butter as a meal. Lobster is great but can we not find a more affordable conduit? The point is, we can't all meet the love of our lives in high school no matter what your 13-year-old cousin who just got her braces off says. We do literally everything else on the internet these days. Shopping. Working. Watching TV. Learning how to (almost) solve a Rubik's cube. I know several introverts praying that by 2018 we've eliminated the human interaction facet of dating (and living) entirely.

Profiles
It's intimidating trying to craft the perfect dating profile. Summarizing yourself in 140 characters or less makes it feel like you're applying to an elite creative writing camp, not eHarmony. I think it's beneficial to make a joke or ask a question in your bio. Making a joke lets them know that you're hilarious and a sense of humor is the number 3 quality men look for in a partner after 1) looks and 2) everything else. Asking a question makes you approachable because instead of having to think of something clever to say, all the guy has to do is answer your question which seems to be easy enough even for them unless the question is "When are we getting married?" or "Do you prefer ivory or cream for the wall sconces?" 

Pictures
Your pictures should be carefully selected and say something about you. Something like "I'm adventurous" or "I love animals" or "We could travel together" or "I'm really hot." Just make sure your pictures DON'T say "my friends are more attractive than I am" and make sure potential suitors can tell which one you are. There is nothing more frustrating than swiping right hoping for the guy on the left only to get a 2 a.m. snapchat from the guy in the middle. Your photo repertoire shouldn't consist entirely of selfies and wearing sunglasses in every picture is cheating. For guys, wearing hats in every picture is cheating. What are you hiding under there? How bad can your skull possibly be?

Meet Cutes
A contributing factor to the "stigma" of online dating is that we keep asking couples how they met. Why? We don't ask best friends where they met because it doesn't matter. I met all of my best friends in high school, college, or church and the stories are really not that interesting. No one ever asks you about the time you met your younger brother. "Well, one time, when I was 6, my mom got like, really fat, I stayed with my grandparents for a few days, and then my parents brought home another human being and have ignored my existence ever since."
So if you met someone online and don't want to share that with the world...lie! Make something up, synchronize your stories and sell it.
"We met in prison."
"He was my AA sponsor."
"I stole his car."
"She's my parole officer."

Opening Lines
Along with asking couples how they met even though we really don't care and will probably just talk crap about it later, we also like to ask about the first words. Who started the conversation? Who said "I love you" first? Who quoted Eminem in a fight most recently? Since you know people are going to ask, you should probably make your opener something a little more crowd-pleasing than "heyyyyy" (don't act like you use any less than 5 y's). I recommend communicating only via GIFs and quotes from your favorite 90s film. That really weeds out the duds.

Stranger Danger
Another reason some people are afraid to try online dating is the anonymity. Ever seen Catfish? Me too, and I take a ton of notes. How do you know that the person you're talking to really is who they say they are? What if your Nigerian prince turns out to actually be an Algerian prince? Or, more likely, a 50-something white woman living in Alabama. So the first rule of online dating is meet in public! Prior to your initial meeting, I would recommend that you Snapchat as well because there are only so many filters out there and much to my dismay, Snapchat has yet to introduce a Beyonce filter so they can't hide too much from you. I mean a prison record, crippling debt, 3 children and a live-in girlfriend? Sure. But a unibrow? No way.