War Paint

I'd like to take some time to address an issue that is currently plaguing society and I'm not talking about vape pens. Although I was really tempted to write a blog post called "The Vape Debate" but then I realized that with vaping, like most issues, I choose to see only one side.

So I'm tackling another issue...the idea that women wear makeup to impress men.

*Pause for laughter

Guys, here are some lines that will annoy me every time:

"I like when girls don't wear makeup."
"I don't like your makeup like that."
"Guys don't notice eye liner."
"Why do girls wear so much makeup?"
"No guy likes black lipstick."
"Guys like girls with long hair."

My response to all of those would be "k."

I *clap* do *clap* not *clap* wear *clap* makeup *clap* for *clap* you. (I feel like that needs just one more *clap*.)

If you've ever seen me in the so-called real world then you know most days I don't even wear makeup for me. Let alone for some guy who has no idea what the difference between highlighting and strobing is. Even though I have never successfully pulled off either look, I speak the language. I know all the jargon just like I know that my 1.5 fluid ounces of Benefit primer costs more than all of your hair products for a year.

So I'm going to break down each of these idiotic statements one by one to explain once more why I do not care what you think of my makeup or lack thereof. You get a Y chromosome and I get to have a haughty attitude about overpriced and undersized beauty products. Deal with it dog.

"I like when girls don't wear makeup."
Trust me, no you don't. You don't like no makeup you like "the no makeup look" which actually requires a lot of makeup. Honestly, slap a set of false eyelashes on a girl who you guys think is wearing no makeup and you will find that she's gone full-Kardashian in the bat of one seriously heavy lash.

"I don't like your makeup like that."
I'm sorry? And do you think we like the soul patches or the neck beard you've been trying to grow since last No-Shave November? You don't have to like my makeup. You don't even have to look at it. Block me on snapchat. I don't care.

"Guys don't notice eye liner." 
Well duh. They also don't notice that by mid-December maybe it's time to stop wearing Nike shorts every day or that women even have eyes a lot of the time. If I spent 15 minutes in the morning to handcraft a winged liner look that is somewhat even, am I going to waste my time showing Steve from HR? No! I'm gonna show Jessica from Accounting who will actually appreciate it.

"Why do girls wear so much makeup?"
Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, underneath all this makeup, I'm ugly? I never did. And then snapchat filters came out and now I know. My skin is too uneven, my nose is too wide, my eyes are too small and I don't even have puppy dog ears. Thanks Evan Spiegel.

"No guy likes black lipstick." 
Okay. Tbh I don't even like black lipstick. It's a very labor-intensive look that ensures my night is full of mirror checks, touch-ups and avoiding food. But I wear it anyway. 'Cause I'm a rockstar.

"Guys like girls with long hair."
Guess what? Girls like girls with long hair! Do you think I want to be friends with a female who is secure enough in herself to be proud of her bone structure? No way! My friends better Rapunzel it up and hide those non-existent cheek bones or I'm out!