Snowmageddon

Along with the rest of North Carolina I've been varying degrees of trapped in my apartment for the better part of 4 days because when it snows even a little bit at all North Carolina shuts down for at least 2-3 business days. It's one of  my favorite things about this state after Cookout and One Tree Hill. Were there any active volcanoes nearby, mistaken falling ash could probably close the state for at least a week.

Consider this week the unofficial guide to doing a snow day in NC the right way because when dealing with an impending blizzard, your top priority should be my opinions about North Carolina snow.

Groceries
Milk and bread, bread and milk. But why? What are you going to do with that milk if the power goes out? And also what are you going to do with that milk if the power doesn't go out? Is milk alone enough to sustain you for days? Plain milk makes me want to die. If the concept were "milk and cereal" or even "milk and oreos" then milk's addition to the must-have list would be justified. But milk and bread? What are you doing, making the world's most disappointing French toast? The most important things to consider when grocery shopping for snow are: possible power outage, protein and chocolate. That's why for this weekend's wintry weather I stocked up on Chex Mix, pizza, Butterfinger cups, Goldfish, animal crackers and Eggo waffles. Chocolate and empty carbohydrates, thus all the major food groups were covered.

Clothes
Every so often as I'm taking laps around the mall in search of dippin' dots locations that serve the banana split flavor and kiosks giving out free hair care samples, a particular piece of clothing will catch my eye. It's ankle or floor-length, quilted, plump with down feathers and usually a muted color like black, brown or army green. It's a winter coat. A coat that really could end at the waist. Sure, it's warm, but it's a kind of warm that is completely unnecessary south of the Mason-Dixon line. That type of winter outerwear is just not needed in North Carolina. Who is buying these coats? How much disposable income do you have that you feel the need to do a full Eskimo cosplay in the subtropics of the Tar Heel State? And another thing, if you're not north of the 49th parallel, you can probably survive without a fur-trimmed hood.

Driving
People love to make fun of southerners for not knowing how to drive in the snow which I think is ridiculous. First of all...why would we need to know how to drive in the snow? That opportunity only presents itself 2, maybe 3 times a year. Secondly...how could we get good at driving in the snow when it only snows twice a year? You only go to the dentist twice a year and are you really going to tell me you floss every day in preparation for those visits? It's not as if southerners make fun of the north for not knowing which NASCAR drivers to root for or never getting Rocky Mountain spotted fever or other things they have no control of thanks to geography.

Play
There is really only one thing worth doing in the snow and that is sledding. Making snow angels is just impractical. You're voluntarily laying in snow. You're getting all snowy and like Pringles, you're probably going to need more than one. So after multiple angels your back will be damp. You'll be cold and wet. Basically putting yourself on the waiting list for pneumonia. Snow ball fights? No thank you. Most of the time North Carolina snow is either 99% fluff that doesn't stick together or 99% ice that can cause internal bleeding if you've got good aim and a strong arm. And then there's snow cream. I just don't understand it. Snow cream is not good people. You know what's good? Snow. Icicles. This Sunday I ate icicles off of every car in the parking lot. Is that a little creepy? Yes. Did some people see me picking ice sticks off their Toyota Corollas? Probably. But it was fresh, delicious and fat free. Unlike a bowl of 3 parts vanilla extract 1 part snow. Also I just thought of another activity worth doing in the snow and that is pretending to be an ice skater or ice dancer training for the Winter Olympics.