Plenty of Crap

This week's post is me debunking popular dating cliches. Think of it as LoveBusters. As someone who had to google what the term "relationship" meant, I can assure you there is no better place to get your dating advice.


"You'll find someone when you're not looking."
My Saturday nights are exclusively reserved for catching up on Grey's Anatomy and Little Women: Atlanta. I refuse to wear makeup unless there is a possibility I will be photographed. My idea of an outfit is finding pants and a shirt in roughly the same shade of black. So my question is...who's looking?

"Maybe your standards are just too high?"
What standards? I'm pretty sure I once went on a date with a homeless guy. (He walked me to an ATM.) My checklist for a potential date reads as follows: pulse and/or interest in ranking woodland creatures. I'm not picky. Honestly, I'm more selective with shoes than men and that is probably at least 75% of the problem.

"Opposites attract."
I think I'm pretty rad so I can't imagine being attracted to the opposite of myself. That would be a blonde, science-loving, shy guy who does understand how to work a television that has more than one remote control. Actually, I just described Matthew Gray Gubler. I stand corrected.

"It's better to have nothing than something you don't want."
The perplexing thing about this cliche is that it's my father's current favorite. As a man who has been reading my bank statements for almost as long as mail theft has been illegal, he's familiar with my shopping habits so he of all people should know that I have made my peace with having things I don't want.

"Guys are just intimidated by you."
I'm 23, have an impressive amount of debt, 2 liberal arts degrees and I still run and jump into bed after I turn the light off to escape monsters so yeah, I'm sure that's it. Well-meaning family members and painfully oblivious friends are often saying this about guys that go on to date prettier, skinnier and let's be real, nicer girls than me so what is it they find intimidating? My globe collection? My commitment to a high-carb, low-nutrient diet? My vast knowledge of JonBenet Ramsey conspiracy theories?

"You have to kiss a few frogs first."
How is this, what I sincerely hope is a metaphor, supposed to help? When I finally convince (trick) a guy into spending time with me, he's going to be a dud and I have to start the process of seeming likable all over again? No thank you.

"Timing is everything."
No wonder I can't find someone. I was raised by a man who has been at least an hour early for every sporting event he's ever attended. Apparently the reason I haven't met my soulmate yet is because our watches aren't synchronized.

"Trust your gut."
My gut told me that Brad and Jen would be together forever. My gut told me that Grease 2 would be just as good, if not better than the original. My gut told me that shaving off my widow's peak was a great idea. My gut told me that yogurt was a passable substitute for sour cream. Actually that was my mom but my gut trusted her. My gut is an idiot. Not to be trusted.

"If he doesn't love you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best."
Disagree. Even I don't love me at my worst and friends, family and acquaintances will tell you I'm fairly self-absorbed. If you don't love me at my worst then you're probably an individual who has a healthy relationship with both others and reality, therefore, you're way out of my league.

"Love is blind."
First of all, this cliche confirms my growing suspicion that the problem is my personality. Second of all, love is not blind. That's why my friends describe me to cute guys as having an "okay personality" and a "confusing fluctuation between self-deprecation and self-obsession." They know that having uneven ears, hair that's at least 50% split ends and an untreated underbite ain't gonna cut it.

"Don't judge a book by it's cover."
Because that hottie throwing up gang signs in his Twitter profile pic is probably actually a paralegal. Yeah, kidding, this is crap. I've spent years curating the veneer that I know the public judges me by. Dedication to wearing the same 3 shirts every week. Eyebrow maintenance above all else. Dark hair. Darker heart. And I'm okay with that.