I Hate the Easter Bunny

For as long as I can remember, one of my biggest fears has been people dressed as rabbits. I think it all stems from this creepy Wee Sing Together VHS that my aunt had. We used to watch the video  after playing our favorite game of "stay outside until lunch" with sippy cups full of Dr. Pepper for my cousins and covered eyes for me. The character Little Bunny Foo Foo terrified me. Who is this alleged "bunny" because it's obviously a human dressed as a rabbit so he's not little. And why does he think he can just bop those meecy mice on their heads?

That frightening image coupled with the fact that literally every Easter Bunny costume makes Donnie Darko look like Sesame Street has led to a lifelong fear and general mistrust of this rabbit that is for some reason associated with the resurrection of Christ. People dressed as animals in non-mascot situations scare me the way that normal people are afraid of clowns or snakes or Carrot Top. Rameses, Mr. Wuf, Hugo the Hornet? Fine. The Chick-fil-A cow? Nope.

My feelings didn't warm when I grew up without the baskets, candy and toys that my friends had grown accustomed to. Instead of  chocolate bunnies, I got an Easter dress every year. And eventually my mother even let me pick them out myself! My brothers and I didn't go without, my parents aren't actually poor they just spend money like they're poor. We got plenty of Easter candy at church and I have the dental records to prove it. But since we never got Easter baskets piled high with trinkets and treats, my youngest brother grew up loathing this rabbit who year after year failed to lavish him with chocolate eggs and gummy carrots.

One Easter Sunday at children's church all the little kids were supposed to discuss how Jesus is the true meaning of Easter. But before they arrived at that conclusion, my brother burst into tears, yelling "I hate the Easter Bunny! He never comes to my house!"

It was the most hilarious thing for me and the most embarrassing thing for my parents. He was so angered that this mythical bunny would visit all of his friends, leaving candy, money and toys when the most he ever got Easter morning was leftover candy from the previous day's egg hunt to help him stay awake through sunrise service.

Last weekend, our grandparents took pity on him and bought him a huge chocolate bunny. When I asked him how he got them to buy him a piece of chocolate bigger than his head, he responded with genuine confusion as to why I wasn't aware of his years of resurrection-related plight. "What? I've never had an Easter basket."

I was aware of this but I also remembered this child being obsessed with chocolate bunnies, a prize he would select year after year after finding more that his fair share of eggs at our church's Easter egg hunt. When I reminded him that while he may not have an Easter basket to his name, he has definitely had chocolate bunnies before, he confirmed with a confident "Yeah, from church. Those little kids couldn't stop me." Spoken like a true Capitalist.

Due to my history with humans dressed as rabbits, I have come to the conclusion that my future children will NEVER be getting pictures taken with the Easter Bunny. And if their grandparents have any problem with that, they can buy them Easter baskets and after I eat all the candy the kids can take pictures in those.