Raetraction: Easter Update

After enough people asked my mother if she enjoyed my blog post last week, she finally read it on Friday and was less than thrilled with the way I remembered things, also known as the truth. Even though freedom of the press is a fundamental right in any democracy, my mother has reminded me that our family is more of a cheerocracy and she's Big Red. She ordered a raetraction.

My precious but delusional mother even went through the attic to find an old basket that she claims is proof that my brother was visited by the Easter Bunny at least once. I would like to point out that a picture of a basket proves nothing other than internet access. Google image search Easter basket right now I'm sure you'll find a ton of them. This "Easter basket" didn't have anything in it. So even if my mother had proof that this basket was purchased for and given to my brother, there were no pastel Peeps, Reese's Eggs or chocolate bunnies that prove it was an Easter basket. For all we know it could have been an Arbor Day basket or a President's Day basket or an Autumnal Equinox basket. 

I suppose, if you believe in multiverse theory, there's a universe out there where my parents got us Easter baskets every year and Lexie Gray is still alive and Farrah Abraham isn't famous. But that is certainly not the version of reality I grew up with.

So imagine my surprise when I came home to 3 Easter baskets! My excitement waned a tad once I realized that 2 of them were for my brothers but I did manage to exchange my Twix and Lemonheads for Twizzlers. Sorry Patrick. 

But it must be said that these baskets were from church. Not that I don't appreciate them, but grabbing 2 extra baskets doesn't exactly make up for 23 years of neglect. I'm sure my parents contributed candy and helped fill the baskets on Wednesday night so I thanked them and placed the emptied plastic eggs into my brother's basket to be taken back to church and re-used next year. Like God intended.

And do y'all know what that child did with them? HE THREW THEM IN THE TRASH. LIKE A RICH KID. He knows good and well that we serve the Lord from a Title I church. 

Ever since my other brother went to college Colby has been an only child and it's making him a little spoiled. Give a kid an inch of parental attention and he'll want a mile of fresh plastic eggs. What's next? He starts expecting popcorn at the movies? He orders an appetizer? He wants us to replace his mattress every 10 years instead of every 30?!

The child is out of control. Now you guys see why we "accidentally" left him at church so many times. Had to try to keep him humble.

That all went out the window with last week's post. Now everyone feels bad that we all grew up without Easter baskets, as if last week's post was a "terror in your own backyard" special interest piece. My Aunt Carla gave me and my brothers Easter gifts and yesterday my little cousin gave me a chocolate bunny to take to Colby. When a 5-year-old takes pity on your lack of candy, you know you've had it pretty rough.

But I really don't want everyone to think we were neglected. Sure, there are definitely some celebrity pets that got treated better than me and my siblings but Oprah's dogs are living better than at least 30% of America so we're not alone.

My brothers and I want to thank each and every one of you for the phone calls, comments, letters and gifts. But we (and by we I mean I) feel bad for being so dramatic. So here are some actual charities you can support to help those in need.

For every dollar donated, I will have no way of knowing but I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Against Malaria Foundation
Carolina For the Kids Foundation
Feeding America
Girls Who Code
Samaritan's Purse
Stand With Standing Rock
The Water Project 
Wounded Warrior Project