What I Did(Watched) This Summer

Summer is winding down, this is my last work-free Wednesday for a while and I'm taking some time to reflect. What I'm realizing is that I didn't really do anything this summer. I went on some walks, swam in the ocean, floated in the lake, walked around New York, but most importantly...I watched Real Housewives. This summer I completed the first 6 seasons of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (and 4 seasons of Vanderpump Rules) and made substantial progress into the New York iteration. If I've seen you this summer and told you that I watched an entire season of Real Housewives the previous day, that wasn't an exaggeration. So today's post is dedicated to the lovely ladies of RHOBH whom I have loved and hated and envied and pitied. Remember that no matter what your sign is, we're all a little Erika Jayne.

Aries - The Bold

Brandi Glanville

I know that she tops several "most hated housewives of all time" lists but I love Brandi. She keeps it real and I think Vanderpump was very unfair to her. Brandi will always be my favorite Mrs. Cibrian no matter how many more pop up.

Best (slash most appropriate) quote:

Taylor: "Eddie Cibrian says you slit his tires - is that true?"

Brandi: "Yeah! I owned them too. I just took the tires and I put the knife into his motorcycle and then I told him don't ride them - you're probably going to get hurt."

Do you know how many Brandi quotes I had to go through to find one that was appropriate for this blog? But this quote really captures the essence of Brandi...abrasive, aggressive and unapologetic. I love it.

Taurus - The Generous

Camille Grammer 

Camille came in pretty catty but once she lost 250 pounds of Kelsey Grammer she really blossomed into a lovely lady. She's not at all pernicious and it's totally unfair that people made fun of her for having 4 nannies on rotation for her 2 kids. I want to have 6-8 kids and you better believe that when I marry Michael Cera I'm going to want at least 4 nannies.

Best quote: "The morally corrupt Faye Resnick."

I actually like Faye but this is the most iconic quote to come from Camille and it officially cast Faye Resnick as the "villain" of this franchise to viewers who had yet to witness the narcissistic acid trip that is Kelly Bensimon.

Gemini - The Expressive

Taylor Armstrong

Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. It just saddens me that Taylor and Lisa Rinna couldn't share a screen for an entire season and they certainly couldn't share a lip balm for more than a week. Maybe a new series...Fake Lips of Beverly Hills.

Best quote: "I'm almost envious, in some respect, of people who are content with living the middle-class lifestyle."

Honey, I have a lot of choice words about living the middle-class lifestyle and content ain't one of 'em. Taylor reminds me of Luann in that I don't think she's trying to be condescending I think she's just actually really out of touch with reality. Bless her heart.

Cancer - The Nurturer

Kyle Richards

Kyle is my all-time favorite housewife (so far) and Mauricio is definitely my favorite househusband. Kyle is a mother to 4 daughters and 1 sister so you know she's seen her share of dressing room drama, running mascara and first date nerves.

Best quote: "I'd rather have a hot dog."

Me too girl. Kyle's White Party is generally the first big event of each season. The other housewives throw parties with extensive bar spreads but the White Party always has food trucks and burgers so whenever Bravo is ready for me, I'm requesting an invite to Kyle's.

Leo - The Confident

Lisa Vanderpump

Mrs. Vanderpump. I like her less and less as the series progresses. She's as cunning as a snake and as confident as Bobby Fischer. If she were kicked of RHOBH she could find success on Animal Hoarders.

Best quote: "You're not important enough to hate."

This quote is technically from Vanderpump Rules, a show that consumed my life for about 2 weeks. This really conveys the attitude that Lisa tries to display, she's above hating you...while hating you nonetheless.

Virgo - The Practical

Lisa Rinna 

I actually really like Lisa Rinna. Her daughters are gorgeous. I love how she calls her husband Harry Hamlin. And she's not above anything. The woman starred in a Depends commercial. God love her.

Best quote: "I'm like a cockroach. You can't get rid of me."

Lisa also knows how to stay relevant. She's perfected stirring the pot without getting burnt. She stays on the fringe of all the drama because how would you rather make money? Lunching in Beverly Hills or wearing diapers?

Libra - The Fair

Eileen Davidson

Eileen is like Switzerland. She likes to stay neutral and a lot of the time that means boring. Her husband is awful but her step-sons are gorgeous. But she also got an almost apology from Vanderpump and that's no small feat.

Best quote: "I love therapy."

A. Men. I think everyone could use a little therapy and some of the housewives could use a lot. Props to Eileen for taking that in stride.

Scorpio - The Intense

Kim Richards

Oh Kimmy. I feel like Kim and Ramona could be great friends, one turtle lover to another. At the beginning of the series I felt like Kyle was kind of a jerk to Kim but now I think that the real problem sister here is Kathy Hilton. She's a bully and this family needs Dr. Phil, Oprah and Joe Biden.

Best quote: "Why don't you have a piece of bread and maybe you'll calm down."

Why don't we all have a piece of bread? I'm sure this quote was part of an alcohol-fueled rampage but still, don't threaten me with a good time.

Sagittarius - The Independent

Erika Girardi

Another favorite. And I know her husband is old enough to be Ken's dad but you have to admit...he's adorable. As Mrs. Girardi she's a Yolanda apologist and as Erika Jayne she's a pop star.

Best quote: "Sorry. Well...not really."

And that's Erika Jayne ladies and gentlemen. She's in a catsuit, she's with her glam squad, she's making Kesha look understated and she's not sorry.

Capricorn - The Focused 

Yolanda Hadid

I think that David Foster tainted my opinion of Yolanda because he's the worst. But I really admire her dedication to finding the right combination of treatments and I love her showing up at parties and to film with no makeup.

Best quote: "I don't remember what it's like to be normal."

Me either girl. I just really feel for Yolanda and as a resident of the east coast, I blame myself for her Lyme disease. And I blame David for everything else.

Aquarius - The Bright

Andy Cohen

God bless Andrew Joseph Cohen. I mean the impact that this man has had on popular culture is tantamount to that of all the Kardashians put together. Andy Cohen is what Ryan Seacrest wants to be when he grows up.

Best quote: "I mean, you did Diving with the Stars."

This quote was after Kim Richards claimed to be a more selective actress than Miss Rinna and Andy Cohen called. her. out.

Pisces - The Peaceful

Adrienne Maloof

When she's not causing the drama or yelling at Paul or Colin, Adrienne is a wonderful mediator. I swear she yelled Colin so much that I forget she has other kids. Maybe she should borrow one of Camille's nannies.

Best quote: "Uh oh! Somebody's crying."

She really said this to alert the ladies to the fact that...I believe Kim...was crying so everyone could resolve whatever issue Kim(?) was having. At any given point there is a 90% chance that Kyle or Kim is crying so the eldest Richards sister is my best guess.