Parental Guidance

Did anyone else watch the MTV show Parental Guidance where parents didn't like the person their child was dating so they would find new prospects for them and then the kid would almost always choose to stay with their original boyfriend or girlfriend because teenagers are stupid and we never listen to our parents even though they normally know best? There's a run-on sentence to write home about.

To my knowledge my parents never watched this show but that doesn't stop them from trying to sell me on complete strangers all the time. Once my mother actually made me a Christian Mingle account while I was dating someone because she didn't like him for me. SAVAGE. Part of this is my fault because I have repeatedly asked for an arranged marriage. And I think to them that means "set me up!" but what I actually mean is just find someone who has an income and make a deal. I have 2 brothers. Trade one of them? I don't know how these things work, I'm not a lawyer or a 17th century aristocrat.

So my mother has been trying to set me up with some guy and keeps telling me that he's attractive and nice and attractive and a Christian and attractive. Here's the thing Mom, telling me how beautiful someone is really is not the way to pique my interest it just intimidates me. I'm thinking if this poor guy agrees to a date she has waaaaaay oversold me.

I thought I had convinced her to give up the dream but then my father got on board and also told me how attractive and athletic and attractive this guy I have never met or spoken to is. I tried to reason with him. I explained...

Me: "Do you see why you telling me how good-looking he is is scary? If he is as amazing as y'all seem to think he is, why is going to want to date me?"

And after confessing my deepest insecurity, a very Carrie Bradshaw-esque "Will I ever be good enough?" moment, do you know what my father says?

Dad: "Well, you never know."

Thanks Dad. Now I feel much better. I might just fire my therapist.

Me: "Dad! You're supposed to say that I'm beautiful! Not tell me 'idk, maybe he's a 10 who wants to date a 3' I'm your only daughter! You have to think I'm perfect!"

It's a very simple concept he can't seem to grasp. I do the self-deprecation, you do the coddling. I mentioned this exchange to my mother considering she may want to write it down for the next Chicken Soup devotional or nominate it for Hallmark Channel's feel good moment of the year. And she launched into another spiel about this guy. I swear if my parents put in half the legwork for me that they do for this rando, I would have been married off during Obama's 1st term.

Somewhere in between my mother explaining the importance of a good, Christian spouse and the phrase "just one date" I interrupted her to explain that in this state you actually need both parties to consent to a date. This, for some reason, prompts her to admit "I'm not sure, he may have a girlfriend" which in turn prompts me to excuse myself from the table for an exaggerated pause.

My mother is practically begging me to date someone who for all we know is engaged - or maybe his wedding ring is in the shop. For as much as my dad tells me I have a face for radio, my mother really does think I'm beautiful in a conceit by proxy type thing that forces her to attempt to pawn me off on strangers from time to time. Bless her heart.

So this is an open letter of apology to everyone my mother has ever asked to date me. Except my mother is really not that bold so she probably just talked to me about you or talked to your mom about me. She means well, she really does. She just wants me to marry well and set her up with a beach house which is a perfectly noble (and unrealistic) goal for a mother to have. But if you're not trying to date me...hide your moms and hide your Christianity and you should be safe.