Keep Calm and Bake On

Meet Chelsea.

Ignore Brendan. (As usual.)

My best friend.

A 64 pack of crayons.

WITH a sharpener.

Who keeps me laughing.

Last week, Chelsea came over for some much-needed BFF therapy and as always, she gave me everything I needed. A pizza, her full attention and most importantly, she introduced me to The Great British Bake Off (and the national treasure that is Norman).

It could have very well been our LAST pizza even though I don't remember selecting fava beans and a nice Chianti as toppings.

After we survived the pizza delivery we watched The Great British Bake Off or as I like to call it, the last show on Netflix actually worth a crap thanks to the great purge of '17. Allow me to offer some thoughts...

First off I get that this is the BRITISH bake off, but can we ditch the British numbers? Or at least get some mathematical American subtitles. 10 grams means nothing to me. Is that a pinch? Is it a whole box? Who knows?

Secondly, maybe we should do American subtitles for everything cause I have some bad news for y'all about what constitutes a biscuit.

Thirdly...if that is a word...y'all use wayyyy too many flavors. Lavender AND cardamom AND basil? Calm down. Although the Brits do seem to have a healthy appreciation for lemon. I respect that.

Now we come to my final point. I made the promise Thursday that if Norman got voted off, the whole show would be dead to me. And I take this stuff seriously. I haven't shopped at IKEA once since the Swedish women's soccer team beat Team USA in Rio. Luckily I selected IKEA as the scapegoat for that debacle because I could never boycott ABBA. Hey, why do the Swedes capitalize everything?

Unfortunately for me, the unthinkable happened. Norman was kicked off the 5th season during episode 5, pies and tarts. Here's what makes me so enraged about that, other than the fact that Norman was a completely adorable retired naval officer with the cutest Scottish accent.

1 - Another contestant left right after episode 4 due to a serious head injury. They didn't have to eliminate anyone that week. That's what Tyra does sometimes on America's Next Top Model and I did some research. ANTM: British Invasion premiered in 2012. And while the ladies didn't actually travel to England during Cycle 18, the door was open for international relations regarding reality show best practices. I'm filing that one under missed opportunities.

2 - The very next episode, they didn't eliminate anyone. Not a one. So if you're going to have an episode where everyone is safe...you use that to save Norman. I'm not a producer but I'm fairly certain Andy Cohen and Ryan Seacrest would back me up on this.

So why am I going to continue to watch this show after everything they've put me through? I decided to let them off on a technicality. During the Showstopper Challenge, Norman used an ingredient that I think we can all agree is despicable. With the exceptions of mushrooms and perhaps human flesh...there is no ingredient more disgusting than haggis. Now I love this man. I love his Scottish accent. I love his little Scottish hat. But I have to draw the line somewhere. And I just cannot in good conscience endorse a pudding made of sheep liver, lungs, heart and worse...suet.

So thank you Norman, thank you Mary Berry and thank you Chelsea.