Snark Week

Before this week's regularly scheduled programming (Shark Week), I need to add a little section I like to call Oopsie Poopsie. Oopsie Poopsie is a corrections section that I want to use today to address the issue of Yasukuni Shrine.

Last week I mentioned that while in Japan, we visited Yasukini Shrine, a site that holds the remains of many Japanese killed in World War II. At the time we visited, my friend had been told it was controversial for housing war dead from Japan AND other countries. She was later told that the controversy stems from it enshrining the remains of war criminals like Hideki Tojo. And then ANOTHER source said it's controversial because foreign leaders will sometimes visit it on war anniversaries to make political statements. So I guess this shrine is a choose your own adventure type thing.

Now without further ado...Shark Week! I love Shark Week because I'm an American. I don't love Shark Week as much as this girl...

...but I do enjoy it a lot. One of the first Shark Week shows I watched this year centered around some guy giving underwater ultrasounds to hammerheads because he thought they were pregnant. That's messed up, right? Does Discovery Channel not have any female executives on board to tell him that is so rude! In his defense, he didn't just swim up and ask the sharks when their due date was. And I've never been warned against walking up to a woman with an ultrasound wand which is what this guy did so maybe that's perfectly kosher in international waters.

There are like a million species of sharks besides hammerheads that need to be covered too. I learned that mako sharks are really vicious, which makes sense as they are the namesake of my roommate's dog. He's not vicious per se, just viciously annoying.

See the resemblance?

One day that 20 pounds of terd will get his own post but for now, back to the sharks.

A major theme from Shark Week is that sharks really love to vacation in Massachusetts and you know what? I'm okay with that. As long as Brendan, Evan, Touchette and Kelly stay safe I say let the sharks have Massachusetts. They might get Dunkin' Donuts, but we still have Krispy Kreme. For a minute I thought we would have to concede Arby's to the sharks but I just read it wrong, it's actually Abry Partners, a private equity firm that I am more than willing to part with.

Which brings me to those pesky Australians. I have heard several peers talk about Australians with a sense of wonder in their voice. Friends and classmates have said that Australians are so chill and stay out of international affairs for the most part (as if that's a good thing). Let me tell you something - there is a reason no one worries about those people taking over the world...they really are not skilled at self-preservation. These Australians keep swimming in shark-infested waters. On surfboards. That make them look like delicious seal hush puppies.

Like have y'all seen Jaws? 47 Meters Down? Finding Nemo? Sharks are killers! Here's the other thing I don't get...they all forgive the sharks. All these shark experts that are missing limbs will say they don't blame the shark or it's not the shark's fault. Seems like a pretty direct cause and effect relationship to me, meanwhile we got Americans blaming President Bush for zika. I get stung by a jellyfish at the beach and I'll blame a shark. "Sharks probably drove 'em closer to shore. Jerks." Australians be standing in a pond and get both legs ripped off faster than you can say intrauterine cannibalism like "it wasn't the shark's fault."

And you know what else is messed up? Some girl on a dive hunting for this queen shark (I didn't even know it was a monarchy) ended up getting bitten by an alligator! That is SO UNFAIR. If you are shark diving, the only harm that should befall you is sharks. Or running out of oxygen. I'm not gonna tell y'all again, watch 47 Meters Down. 

One piece of advice they always give you on Discovery Channel is that if you find yourself in a shark attack, poke their eyeballs. And that is advice I don't find particularly helpful. Do you realize how often I miss my own mouth using a spoon with my dominant hand? So while I'm underwater, fighting for my life, you think I'm going to be able to locate the tiny factory reset buttons on a 2 ton animal? Yeah right, I'm going to resign to death like God intended. But it will be a slow and painful death because sharks don't like to eat humans. And they don't really follow a "you bite it, you bought it" code, they're not Native Americans who believe in using the whole buffalo. That shark will take one bite, realize I taste like fried cheese and peanut butter cups, not sea lions and tuna, and leave me to drown or bleed to death.

And that is why I will never participate in this shark diving nonsense. Watching shark movies taught me that swimming near sharks is dangerous. And cage diving with sharks is dangerous too. So when I turn on Discovery Channel and see these people just diving with sharks wearing wet suits, not even covered in chainmail, I am not surprised when something bad happens. That's not a plot twist folks, that is FORESHADOWING.

And let me tell you another reason. Before I do anything I ask myself “would Missy be okay if this is how I died?” And if the answer is no, I don’t do it. Would my mother be okay if I died in a car wreck going the speed limit and wearing a seat belt, not texting and driving on my way to work? I mean she wouldn't be thrilled but she's also my sole beneficiary and I'm sure that would ease the pain. Would my mother be okay if I died because I was swimming with sharks? No. She would be pissed. At me. She wouldn't blame the shark either. So I don't do it.

I saw one guy this week who got bit by a shark while he was standing with them in shallow waters. Not wearing a diving suit, no cage, just wearing shorts and a t-shirt waist-deep in some bull sharks, so named for their aggressive behavior. Wikipedia literally says that bull sharks have "virtually no tolerance for provocation." They're the fish version of Odell Beckham Jr. Guess what? I don’t feel sorry for you. That really wasn't the shark's fault.

But there is some shark insanity that I can respect. On one special they used like a massive whale carcass to attract sharks for filming and one photographer got on the carcass with no suit to take pictures. Tbh I wanna be friends with him. That's dedication worth at least 100 Instagram likes. You think that guy would take pictures of me like my brothers do? No way.

As we approach the end of Shark Week I am left with one tough question. What would I rather do...get eaten by a shark or have to eat hakarl? Idk.