So one time, God created the world but he sees that a lot of it is pretty bad. Like when you try to make a craft from Pinterest and it ends up looking like a big old pile of crap. First there was all that drama with Adam and Eve and it was kind of downhill from there. So He decided to control+alt+delete. But first He wants to copy Noah so He can paste him into the new world. God instructs Noah to build an ark. Noah is like “what’s an ark?” and "can I bring the crew?" and God says Noah can bring his family. Noah has 3 sons named Ham, Turkey, Bologna. Actually...I don't think Bologna had a first name.
God tells Noah how many cubits of lumber to get to build this ark. I don’t know what a cubit is so it must be part of the metric system. I never really pegged God as a Brit but that's cultural bias baby. Noah starts building an ark (a really big boat) because God is going to flood the earth. I feel like He was maybe inspired by Taylor Swift's Clean? While Noah is building a huge boat in his yard like your redneck uncle, his neighbors are asking him what he’s doing. When he tells them everyone thinks he is crazy and stops inviting him to birthday parties. He really comes across as more paranoid schizophrenic than enlightened prophet.
Eventually he finishes the ark. Then God tells him to take his family and 2 of every animal on the ark so the animals can repopulate. Noah is like “even wasps?” and God says “yes, even wasps.” Noah has to get a male and a female of every species so they can repopulate. Talk about pressure. God also told Noah to pack a lunch like my mom tells us at Disney World. They all get on the ark and it rains for 40 days and 40 nights. Almost as long as a baseball game.
No one got trench foot as far as we know, but they did all die so that's really inconclusive. It smells awful on the ark what with the animals and decaying flesh of all of civilization, so Noah sends birds to do some recon. Febreze wasn't around yet and he wanted out.
Finally the dove came back with an olive leaf which meant that there was dry land and it was time for some delicious Italian food. Everyone got off the boat and hopefully showered before enjoying some tapenade together. God sent a rainbow as a promise to never pressure wash the earth again.
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