It's About Valentime

Are you in an awkward position this Valentine's Day? In between like and love? You know you need to do something for that special someone but you don't want it to be too much too fast?

I got your back. Introducing "It Ain't That Deep Valentine's Cards"! Comes in 9 emotionally ambiguous flavors. Feel free to print these out and use them yourselves.

This is for the true crime fan in your life who also hates the Patriots. Because why would you give a valentine to someone who doesn't hate the Patriots? Bonus points if the recipient also thinks that David Koresh was a total babe.

This is really just an artfully arranged list of handsome men. WARNING: Appreciation of this card is contingent of the receiver knowing the famous Cher quote.

Honestly this is just facts. It's a statistical improbability. Sure, it sounds good in a song but if EVERYONE was kung fu fighting then who was cooking the food? Who was replacing the toilet paper? It just doesn't add up.

This is probably the most heartfelt variety in our whole collection. And maybe a subtle hint that someone in your life needs to watch out for some red flags from whoever they have their eye on. That's where you come in! All's fair in love and elections.

Here's a card that says I care. I want you to have a healthy immune system and not suffer through preventable illness. I'd take that kind of practical concern over flowers any day!

Simple elegance for the conspiracy theorist who is also not wrong. If they like the card maybe they will want to watch The Irishman with you. I heard you hate pedophiles? 

If you keep butter on the counter you're a monster. There. I said it. And let this card also serve as the gentle reminder we all need that Shelly Miscavige, wife of the leader of scientology, is still missing. She has not been seen in 13 years. Someone had a worse 2007 that Britney Spears and the authorities are doing nothing about it.

BONUS

Here are some bonus cards in case you're in an actual loving relationship. Gross.

If your county tax rate is over 7% you really can't use this card but in the majority of North Carolina McDonald's you'll be fine. 

This is a shoot your shot card with a built-in exit strategy. If they say no you claim you were just collecting data.