Sober Science: 5 Major Biomes

Holy Schitt

Daniel Levy and Schitt's Creek finally getting the Emmy's recognition they deserve is the only good thing to happen in this entire Godforsaken year and I wanna talk about it.

And by talk about it I mean create MBTI and enneagram charts based on Schitt's Creek characters because I really have no interesting life developments to talk about that wouldn't be a mega-bummer.

RHOP Enneagram

Thank God for the Real Housewives of Potomac. Honestly for the past 6 days this show has been the best thing in my life, no offense to Chick-fil-A. Potomac was the last major city that I had yet to view even though I was constantly hearing good things. I was somewhat intimidated because A) they're all insanely beautiful and B) I was very unclear on the actual location of this aforementioned "Potomac." I thought that was a river? Is it Maryland? Is it D.C.? Still unclear. It might even be Virginia. Or Delaware honestly, that sucker is further south than you realize. But it doesn't matter. I am captivated by Karen and awestruck by Ashley. I giggle with Gizelle and cringe at Charrisse. I would kiki with Katie and dine with the Dixons. I find Monique mesmerizing and Candiace charming. 

I genuinely like all of them. My favorite is Gizelle but I really can't verbalize why that is. I think Robyn is the best person and I also stan Ashley hard. Monique is my least favorite but I don't dislike her. These women seem to be a lot better at apologizing and forgiving than any of the other cities. I even like Ashley's song! I be walking around singing "baby right from the beginning" and smiling. 

My final note is that I do not understand how Candiace's mother is a therapist because that woman needs professional help. She is insanely childish, manipulative and immature. Seek help pls.

27 Minutes in Purgatory

A longtime fan of this blog, Emily, turns 27 this Saturday. Also, she's my roommate. You may recognize her from the left-hand side of all my photos.

In her defense, she is left-handed.

To celebrate her impending annual, I decided it was time for a MASH ceremony to decide her fate. I let her choose 2 options in each category and I added a surprise third option because as a soon-to-be twenty-seven year old she has to learn that life comes at ya fast.

I think it lifted Emily's spirits to know that she will one day share an apartment with a hunky and age-appropriate homicide detective and a Corgi named Elvis. She will drive the streets (or probably dirt roads) of South Dakota in her Jeep truck running errands as my assistant. I will be by her side when she gets Mako tattooed on her finger and we will attend Taylor Swift's Speak Now tour together with our "can I speak to the manager" haircuts. Afterwards we will relax in her pool and probably take more selfies.

Here are the top 27 things everyone (except for the FBI) should know about Emily.

1. She has grown out of her "wear a spaghetti strap dress over a Hollister t shirt" phase.

2. Emily refuses to watch 99% of movies she has not already seen.

3. Same for television shows.

4. She makes for a good alarm clock.

5. Emily loves a British male singer/songwriter. If William Hung was British she would be all over that.

6. She hates hazelnut.

7. She will deep fry any and everything.

8. Her favorite steak seasoning is Chicago. Whatever that means.

9. She never wants to live further than 10 miles from a Bojangles'.

10. She makes the best buttered noodles. She has perfected the process over years and has it down to a science.

11. She does laundry literally every day.

12. This girl loves some beans.

13. She literally always picks the same exact nail color, a neon coral.

14. She is passionate about skincare. Put something in a fancy bottle and I promise you Emily will spritz it on her face.

15. Emily has a talent for finding flight deals.

16. She loves a camo print.

17. Electronics love her even though they hate me. Except for the kitchen electronics.

18. She often has the wrong opinions about reality TV stars until she rewatches with me and I straighten her out.

19. Her blood type is queso.

20. She is standing by Taco Bell in the wake of recent menu changes. She's not happy with it, but she is addicted.

21. Her favorite sister wife is Janelle.

22. She has a thousand rules about dating based on what car a guy drives. I don't remember all of them but I know Acuras are not allowed, Jeeps are preferred and BMWs have to be M series.

23. She secretly loves to watch Jeopardy! no matter what she says.

24. If she tells you a time that she is going to leave, be prepared for her to leave a full 2 hours before that.

25. She prefers Olive Garden to Carrabba's.

26. She wants to be cremated but only after death.

27. And she's pissed that I took so long to write this because she is staying awake to make sure I don't publish any libelous information.

Help A Girl Out

 Guys I'm gonna keep it real with you. I really want to order business cards for my Etsy shop. But being the fiscally responsible adult I am, I feel that it is important that I first earn the cost of those business cards via Etsy sales.

So I am launching a new product today.

The stash scrunch allows you to easily carry small items with you. It's the female answer to cargo shorts. Or just having pockets in general.

Store some cash or change in there just in case a vending machine catches your eye.

Take chapstick on the go because life is too short for your lips to be dry.

Or maybe you want to elevate your look, stick some lip gloss in there. 

And while we're at it, keeping concealer with you ensures that you never have to walk around with that unsightly mascne that says, "yes, I follow pandemic safety protocol, but I also sweat."

Speaking of the pandemic, even when times get precedented again you might want to start carrying some sanitizer with you. Howie Mandel, want to invest?

I've heard that some people like to go for runs...can't relate. But if you're into that and want to take your key without tying it into your laces, here you go!

If you wipe your brow after that run and realize that now your brow is on the back of your hand, keep some eyebrow products with you for a touch up.

And in case you should chip a nail, a fresh new coat is only an updo away.

Don't forget the protein! After your run, fuel up with a snack that may or may not be a melted mess by this point.

If you've brought your dog along, you might need to also bring some poo bags unless you want to end up the laughing stock of Karens on Nextdoor.

Keep some breath mints or gum with you so you're always prepared for a meet cute. 

And if you end up going to a formal event and forget to remove your Fitbit or smart watch, you can stash it in your scrunchie. It's now out of sight but close at hand in case someone asks you to walk somewhere, you can slap that bad boy back on.

You can also keep a pen on you for any impromptu autograph requests.

Never be without your debit card! But I'm surprisingly not dumb enough to post a picture of my debit card, so use your imagination.

I have limited stock right now but I promise I am working on it and will be updating my site throughout the weekend. If you want one go check them out here!