If All Rappers Were Women

Last week's post was all about how women should learn more about sports. This week I want to begin by clarifying that I do not promote women getting more involved in sports. There are already several sports with too much female participation thanks to Title IX. I mean the WNBA has 12 whole teams! NASCAR has 1 woman driver! What is this world coming to?!

So my message to women is leave sports alone and enter the rap scene. I think that women have a lot to contribute to rap. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that a lot of my favorite rap songs could be easily remixed by women. I mean as a girl, I personally don’t really connect with songs about baby mama drama, hot girls, or being "turned up". And I definitely do not know the feeling of having money to blow. Maybe I would listen to rap more if there were more rap songs about subjects I can relate to, like boys being stupid or shopping.

 The following is a list of girl-approved rap remixes. Keep an eye out for my first mix tape.

“I Woke Up In A New Bugatti”

“I Woke Up In A Pile of Candy Bar Wrappers”

Because every girl knows this feeling. You pretend you got a brown bedspread because it works well with your throw pillows, but I know you needed to be able to hide the chocolate stains. I know.

“Started From the Bottom”

“Started at the Bottoms Now We at the Tops”

I am a firm believer that there are currently not enough songs about shopping. And every girl knows that feeling of accidentally starting a shopping trip in the pants and searching for shirts last. It just feels wrong the whole day and it can really throw your game off.

“Money to Blow”

“Money For Shoes”

Much like most rappers, women spend money that they don’t have. If I had a dollar for every pair of shoes I bought in the wrong size just because they were cute and on sale, then I could squeeze my feet into some new size 8 wedges.

“I’m So Paid”

“I’m So Delayed”

Women are always late. You know it, and here’s a shocker, we know it too. It’s hard, time-consuming work being beautiful. Sorry not sorry.

“Confessions”

“Contractions”

There are plenty of rap songs about teenagers having kids, I think a song from a woman’s point of view about the pains of childbirth could maybe convince some kids that there is actually a reason to wait to have children.

“We Takin Over”

“We Bakin Pop Overs”

All girls cook. All of them. And we all feel under-appreciated for it. The women of the twenty-first century slave over hot microwaves and toil at toaster ovens to provide home-cooked meals for their families. It’s time we give them some recognition.

“Bring it Back”

“Put it Back”

Let me tell you, shopping with children is a doozy. I can barely stand to take one of my younger brothers to the grocery store with me. The last time I took them both I threatened to crash the car on the way home and kill us all. True story. They had nightmares for weeks. My Mom was pissed.

“Mr. Carter”

“Mrs. Clooney”

It is every woman’s not-so-secret dream to marry George Clooney. Think about it. Why else would women keep dating him when all the signs point to a public break up and him getting a new, hotter, younger girlfriend in a week?