Today I'm going to discuss one of my favorite things about the 21st century. Social media. Due to my parents' formidable resistance to buying me a decent phone, I joined the world of social media fairly late in life. I was in college when I got a Twitter account, practically ancient by modern social media standards. I like Twitter but I really like Instagram. Or as I like to call it, Twitter for the illiterate. Nothing can compare to the rush I feel when I see a flash of orange pop up at the bottom right of my Instagram feed. It's like a badge of honor that says "I'm important! You like me! You really like me!" And you can make fun of me all you want, because I know you all think it too.
Below are some guidelines that I think everyone should follow but most people completely ignore. You can feel free to ignore me as well, I'm used to it.
Age
There's an interesting phenomenon occurring where as I get older, the kids who have Instagrams get younger. I'm afraid that next year I will see 8 year olds posting pictures of the thongs they just bought at Victoria's Secret. Some would think it is inappropriate of me to suggest that, but I'm telling you, that's where we're headed.
I personally feel like if you cannot yet spell Instagram, maybe you shouldn't have one?
Relationships
The proper way to handle a relationship on Instagram is directly correlated to your age. Who else has seen a 4th grader post a picture of a stuffed animal with something like "I have the best boyfriend ever!" Oh my goodness you are like 10 years old making this Instagram with your mother's iPad. You talk to your boyfriend like once a week at school. Just stop. I beg of you, wait until puberty at the very least.
And another thing. If I see a picture on my Instagram feed of a couple, I am going to do some stalking. I am going to use Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, maybe a background search for good measure, to find out everything about these random people I don't know. Why, you might ask? Because I'm crazy like that. I reserve the right to social media stalk anyone and everyone. And I WILL exercise that right.
That being said, if you post several pictures with one guy who I know is not related to you, and then all of a sudden start posting multiple other pictures with another guy not in your family, I'm gonna be like "What? She has a new guy already? I didn't even know they broke up. Wow." and proceed to talk about it with others because I'm your friend and that's what I'm here for.
Selfies
Selfies are a tricky business. There are 2 different sets of rules for male and female selfies. Attractive males can take and post as many selfies as they want on 3 conditions. 1) said male is a genuinely nice person 2) said male is fully clothed at least 50% of the time and 3) said male is single.
Now for girls, all those rules go out the window. Girls will constantly accuse each other of posting too many selfies. I happen to think you can post as many selfies as you want, provided you do it the right way. If your entire Instagram is a compilation of pictures you have taken of your face, we have a problem. But a selfie every now and then to remind everyone how awesome you are can be a good thing.
Girls are complete hypocrites when it comes to selfies. If I see a girl I don't like who posts a lot of selfies I'm gonna be like "Dang, like your face much?" At the same time, if I see a girl I don't like who doesn't post many selfies I'm gonna say something like "What are you trying to hide? Are you secretly ugly?" At the end of the day, if I am trying to stalk you, I want to see selfies!
The bottom line is, if you are a girl who can't remember all the rules about selfies, as long as you don't post a selfie with a completely irrelevant quote or song lyric, we're good.
Mirror Pics
A close cousin of selfies, mirror pics are when others can clearly see your phone in the picture because you are taking a photo of your reflection, which is kind of a lie. Your reflection looks nothing like you, it's pure science! That's like me posting a picture of my shadow with the caption "looking tall and skinny today". That's not real life. Liar.
Don't do mirror pics. Ever. There is literally no situation I can think of that will make a mirror pic okay. If you absolutely must take a photo of your outfit in the mirror, have the decency to crop your phone out of the picture you post.
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