Modern Family the Musical

As a firm believer that almost everything could and should be made into a musical, I began casting the musical of my life ages ago. Lea Michele would play me of course because the resemblance is striking. Brown eyes, brown hair, I can hardly tell where she ends and I begin (hint, it's somewhere around 85 pounds). Naturally, I have begun the casting process for several of my favorite shows and movies should 20th Century Fox or MGM get back to me about the possibility of turning them into musicals. But I've been on hold with Disney about Kim Possible the Musical for 37 hours and counting regarding the naked mole rat I fed exed them, so don't expect any news soon.

In hopes that the ABC network will be more receptive to my stage adaptation advances, I cast Modern Family the Musical this week. I think you will find my choices unconventional and highly inappropriate.

Jay - Jeff Goldblum
I admit he's not as portly as Ed O'Neill but don't you just love to look at him? I missed a whole season of Glee because a world were Jeff Goldblum is gay is not a world I care to participate in. Goldblum has the sternness, experience and commanding stage presence required to play the patriarch.

Gloria - Idina Menzel
Need I say more? Idina is like the high priestess of Broadway and we should all sacrifice our copies of the movie Rent at a shrine to her in hopes to one day be fabulous too. The exotic Menzel is the only Broadway beauty qualified to portray such a sexy scene stealer.

DeDe - Bernadette Peters
Broadway royalty. DeDe is rarely on the show but I wrote her into the musical just to have a spot for Mrs. Peters. Who does crazy better than a ginger? Bernadette would be the perfect psycho ex-wife.

Manny - Nick Jonas
I think the youngest Jonas is the only youth on Broadway who can really portray the persnickety feminism of Manny. Manny's my least favorite character for several reasons, but maybe Nick can change that.

Phil - John Stamos 
Bad boy Uncle Jesse as nice and clueless dad Phil? Perf. I think John Stamos needs this role 10% because he has black hair like Phil and 90% because I'm in love with him.

Claire - Jane Krakowski  
The neurotic stay at home mom who keeps the chaotic household running. Had to be Krakowski. Her main qualification for this role is that she's married which means I don't have to worry about on-stage chemistry stealing John Stamos away from me.

Haley - Lea Michele
The complete opposite of Rachel Berry, Michele will shine as conceited oldest sister Haley. I'm already working on several songs for Lea to belt, but I think her Glee character's tune My Headband could transition to stage perfectly.

Alex - Anna Kendrick
I think Anna Kendrick is the only person on earth who could understand the snark and sarcasm that Alex's character requires. Plus, she's just awesome. 

Luke - Nolan Gould
Because in that one episode, Luke sings and we are all shocked to discover he has the voice of an angel. Seriously. His voice haunts my dreams. In a good way. Fun fact about Nolan, he's in MENSA. The kid is a genius. I think it's safe to say he got dis.

Mitchell - Neil Patrick Harris
This was the easiest spot to fill, NPH does so many strong characters I'm sure he can nail the rude, caustic, butthole that Mitch is.

Cam - Nathan Lane
I know he's already on the show as the pretentious and annoying Pepper, but I couldn't imagine anyone else playing Cam on stage. I mean it's Nathan Lane!

Lily - Kristin Chenoweth
What? It's colorblind casting. Is it really a Broadway musical without the goddess that is Kristin Chenoweth? And besides, Kristin is tiny, she can play Lily just fine.