QTNA: College Application Edition

At this point I feel I have pretty much solidified my status as an intellectual in a multitude of fields (excluding of course science, technology, proper punctuation, about 43% of African capitals, action movies and the perfect baklava recipe). But for some reason, my own brother (although to be fair, I'm certain AT LEAST one of us is adopted), didn't trust me to look over his college application essays. Maybe that's because he doesn't think I'm qualified to give writing advice but if a journalism degree from UNC doesn't make me the reigning authority on the Oxford comma, I don't know what will. Of course he may have neglected asking my opinion due to my staunch and anything-but-subtle belief that he, and everyone else, should select a college based on their dance marathon program. The world may never know.

In case he changes his mind, I decided to do a little research out of the goodness of my heart and the fact that I was trapped waiting for a 2 hour oil change with nothing better to do. I scoured the internet and found some of the best/most common college application questions. While I have no idea which essays my brother even answered, I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty that I knocked them all out of the park.

"If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it and why?"
Laughing Alone. Because that really says it all.

"If you could choose to be raised by robots, dinosaurs, or aliens, who would you pick? Why?"
100% dinosaurs who I can only hope would raise me to join in the fight for T. Rex equality. 

"Make a bold prediction about the year 2020 that no one else has made a bold prediction about."

First of all, why am I being held responsible for knowing what other bold predictions have been made? Is there an app for that? And what even makes a prediction bold? So here are some bold predictions for 2020.

Grocery shopping will be done via drive-throughs to further limit human interaction.

The Kardashians will own Ryan Seacrest in an interesting turn of events.
Guac will no longer cost extra at Chipotle.
JK but there will be queso. Mucho queso.

"Tell us about the most embarrassing moment  of your life."

I don't believe in embarrassment. That is all.

"What invention would the world be better off without, and why?"

Escalators. They freak me out.

Time Warner Cable. Equal parts inept and infuriating.
Make up. I promise to still feel ugly, just slightly less ugly and not from face jail.
Mushrooms. I guess that's not technically an invention. I really hate mushrooms.

"Write your Oscar acceptance speech. Who would you thank?"

The better question is who would I NOT thank? I just think it would be really funny to read a list of people who I am in no way thankful for. My foreign policy professor, whoever made the decision to get rid of southern chicken biscuits at Bojangles, Shonda Rhimes mistress of heartbreak.

"What do you see as the biggest threat to civility."

Unfrosted Pop-Tarts.

"You have just finished your 300 page autobiography. Please submit page 217."
First of all, it is very limiting (read: incorrect) to assume that my autobiography would be a mere 300 pages. I could write 300 pages on Katherine Heigl right now, easy. And I don't even like Katherine Heigl. For my autobiography, imagine War and Peace but longer and with a lot less Russian.

But I think for this prompt I would begin the page with the end of a sentence, just to get their attention. 

"finished disposing of the body.

So that's all I have to say about that summer. Moving on to my wedding to Manu Ginobili and my 4 shoe closets."

"Tell us about an unjust law, written or unwritten, that you believe should be broken."

I'm going to have to go with the law of gravity.

"What's a question that has changed how you understand the world? What changed?"

I already had an answer to this, it's a question that impacts me every day. Before you buy something online, you must always ask yourself, "Is this worth deleting an extra email every day for the rest of my life?" And if the answer is no...buy it anyway and try repeatedly, but ultimately unsuccessfully, to unsubscribe.

"To tweet or not to tweet?"
HIGHLY subjective.

To tweet: Anna Kendrick, Amanda Bynes, me, Carrot Facts, GOAT Carol Folt.
Not to tweet: people who do not understand Sundays/Sunday's, anyone below age 16, Cher.

"Whether you are goal tending or cheering from the stands, celebrate the role of sports in your life."

Well goaltending is illegal so I wouldn't be doing that as I play by the rules, am not very tall, and have a 2 inch vertical. And I don't cheer from the stands, I'm either too nervous to watch or uncontrollably whining, there is no in-between. The role of sports in my life is as follows: wearing the same outfit for 2 weeks to help the San Antonio Spurs win the 2014 NBA championship, dozens of mild heart attacks while cheering for NC State, 6 adorable selfies with Rameses, countless hours spent viscerally hating Tom Brady and the New England Patriots and claiming international fame via my #DookFans tweets.

“What would you try if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

Contouring. Definitely contouring.