Zach & Rachel's 1st Annual Meat Draft

Welcome to Zach and Rachel’s inaugural meat draft. The rules are simple. Zach picks a meat, Rachel picks a meat and so on until we have our teams. After each choice, the opposing coach will get a moment to respond to the selection. There are 2 rounds and the person with the highest cholesterol gets to go first.

1^st round

1^st Pick - Zach

Pig

Rationale: Pork is an NC specialty just like basketball, American idol and freaking out over 1/8th inch of snow. Also...bacon.

Rebuttal: This is kind of like wishing for more wishes and I really didn’t think I would need to consider possible loopholes for a meat draft. Touche as long as I can still pick sausage. Please don’t pick sausage next just to spite me.

2^nd Pick - Rachel

Turkey

Rationale: My memaw’s turkey and stuffing and gravy might have prevented some of the atrocities committed by early English settlers in America. If the pilgrims and Native Americans had eaten some of that instead of maize and yams and whatever, you all might be reading this post in Cherokee. Turkey bacon is the only type of bacon I like and I don't care if that makes me an outcast. Additionally, I will petition for turkey nuggets until the day I die.

Rebuttal: This experiment is over, your team loses.

3^rd Pick – Zach

Steak

Rationale: Because steak. Please note all steak ever consumed should be medium rare. Anything medium well or well-done should be sent back immediately and the chef should apologize profusely. 

Rebuttal: I don't eat steak anymore. I never learned how to cut my steak. Also, I hate steak fries. Just a negative opinion of steak all around here.

4th Pick – Rachel

Chicken

Rationale: North Carolina is known for chicken too. Chicken nuggets are one of the reasons I still believe in love and grilled chicken may very well be the healthiest thing I've ever eaten.

Rebuttal: A surprisingly decent choice for you. 

5^th Pick – Zach

Burgers

Rationale: Burgers are basically our national meal. From the day you are born, Ronald McDonald is teaching you everything you need to know about being an American. I also wish to reiterate that any burger cooked medium well or well-done is dead to him.

Rebuttal: A-I'm concerned that you think infants can have happy meals and B-burgers are useless without cheese making this choice highly vulnerable to a dairy cow shortage. Something to think about. 

6^th Pick – Rachel

Red Hot Dogs

Rationale: I love red hot dogs. I'm willing to name my firstborn Jesse Jones. All beef hot dogs are literally worse than no hot dogs at all. Ordering a hot dog expecting something bright red with grill marks and the getting a Ball Park Frank is the reason I have trust issues.

Rebuttal: They have found human DNA in hot dogs. Human. DNA.

2^nd Round

7^th Pick – Rachel

Sausage

Rationale: Such a versatile meat. 1st of all, sausage balls, the key dish at any holiday gathering. 2nd of all, need I say more?

Rebuttal: This is actually a semi-honorable choice. Proud of you.

8^th Pick – Zach

Shellfish

Rationale: Shrimp, crab, lobster, scallops, oysters. You got appetizer shellfish, you got entree shellfish.

Rebuttal: The only seafood I eat is shrimp and now I want to watch The Little Mermaid.

9^th Pick – Rachel

Peanut Butter

Rationale: You know how I feel about peanut butter. I don’t eat a lot of meat, so peanut butter is an excellent source of protein. You can put it on ALMOST anything. My 9th pick includes peanut butter M&Ms, Reese's AND Tagalongs. V. happy with this choice.

Rebuttal: Not even a meat.

10^th Pick – Zach

Meat Lovers Pizza

Rationale: The meat topping trifecta: pepperoni, ham and sausage. Reminiscent of my 1st pick. And why not add bacon? No pork product left behind.

Rebuttal: Pizza is life and while I support this pick fully, I prefer cheese.

Closing Remarks

Zach: I can't support your team because it's not Thanksgiving and I'm not 5. You have 1 starter on your team, Dennis Rodman, Steve Kerr, Bill Cartwright and a middle school baller. My team is Larry Bird, LeBron, Kobe, Tim Duncan and Bill Russell. Let the people decide.

 

Rachel: You have 0 chicken. None of your food comes in nugget form. You don't stand a chance. Don't ask to come to my house on Thanksgiving. Enjoy your rib eye and scallops, just like the pilgrims had.

*A special thank you to my good friend Zachary for turning your obsession with criticizing my food choices into a lucrative co-authorship! For every 5 cents I make on this post, you will get 1 penny. After taxes you owe me 3 dollars.