I have not listened to political commentary in a week. That is partially because I was serving as Brendan's official chauffeur and also because Hamilton.
I think the world could use a few dozen more biopic/historical musicals about significant Americans and/or wig connoisseurs. So I've done the legwork for Broadway. Here are my picks for the next national treasures to get their own musical and my production ideas. Of course, I am more than happy to star in any of the following. You're welcome.
Andrew Jackson
Because You'll Be Back for more early American drama after Hamilton, Broadway is proud to present this musical about D.C.'s original bad boy.
Name: Spoiled: One Man's Rage Against The Political Machine
Cast: Jackson's gotta be Sir Ian McKellan. Morgan Freeman as John Marshall (it's called color-blind casting and it's all the rage). Julie Andrews as the Rachels.
Score Suggestions: Petty Women & Petticoats, Enforce This!, Colors of the Wind (maybe no one will notice).
Susan B. Anthony
Before the suffragettes, women in this country were Helpless at the ballot box. This musical explores their fight against the patriarchy through song.
Name: 19
Cast: An
ensemble cast featuring Sutton Foster as Susie B, Barbra Streisand as
Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Bernadette Peters as Jane Addams.
Score Suggestions: It's
Called A Hanging Chad Not A Hanging Christine, Seneca Song, We're
Obviously The More Intelligent Sex Y'all Should Be Begging Us To Vote.
Edgar Allen Poe
Writing a musical about a poet
is kind of cheating because several of the lyrics will have already been
written but it'll be tough to Stay Alive through this dark show.
Name: Cousins
Cast: Of
course we need NPH as EAP. Now if only Alfred Hitchcock were around to
help us cast the raven. Wait, brain blast! Raven-Symone as the raven!
That's so raven!
Score Suggestions: Baltimore Blues, Court-Martial Arts, Never Say Nevermore.
Dolly Parton
Singing and acting, What Comes Next? A musical of course! All about the queen of country herself.
Name: Crap, Hey Dolly is already taken. Let's go with Welcome to Dollywood as a placeholder title for now. Wait...now I'm leaning towards Rhinestone Cowgirl.
Cast: Rule 1: Only Dolly can do Dolly.
Score Suggestions: 9 Feet to 5 Feet Without Hairspray, The Bodyguard Royalty Shuffle, Theme Park Dreams.
Meryl Davis & Charlie White
Because if ice dancing could be further incorporated into everyday life That Would Be Enough.
Name: Scheherazade: One Country's Obsession With Ice Dancing
Cast: Rita Ora as Meryl and Jonathan Groff as Charlie.
Score Suggestions: Ice Dancing With the Stars, The Zamboni Song, Gold Medal Love.
The Kardashians
A smash hit about all the drama behind the family who refuses to Take A Break from whatever it is they do.
Name: Klan
Cast: Idina Menzel and Lea Michele could definitely play Kardashians. Scott Disick as himself.
Score Suggestions: Lip Challenged, Kimmy Goes West, 72 Hours.
Bill Clinton
Those who found Hamilton's affair with Maria Reynolds boring won't be able to Say No To This musical!
Name: Slick!: The Musical
Cast: He plays a mean sax so I say we let Willy take the lead. Courteney Cox can play Monica and Kate McKinnon just has to be Hillary or it's really not worth doing.
Score Suggestions: A Dress Address, Silver Fox, First Ladies Man.
Pete Rose*
In a series of flashbacks Pete would Blow Us All Away by gambling and dealing with the aftermath.
Name: Switch Hitter. Get it? Cause he bet on his own team. Or as my father would say, "bet" on his own team. And he was also a switch hitter, but that meaning is not nearly as clever.
Cast: I want Gene Simmons to portray Pete Rose. It's a bold move but this would make a great rock musical.
Score Suggestions: Hall Of Shame, The Big Red Dancing Machine, Rose-Colored Sunglasses.
*This suggestion is mainly so my dad will love me more than my brothers again.
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