Whaddaya Say $50K

Today's scheduled post, a stunning exposé of the Chef Boyardee corporation, has been sacked in favor of unapologetic shilling for the Carolina For the Kids Foundation, also known as Dance Marathon to has-beens like me. CFTK is trying to raise 50 THOUSAND DOLLARS today by 7 PM. So you can follow the links at the bottom to donate, or you can waste your money on these strange Amazon* finds. Choose wisely.

 

$5

Skull lip gloss ring
Grape flavor. These were all the rage when I was in elementary school. I had both pink and blue lip gloss rings. With sparkles. It's really a wonder that alone didn't secure my popularity.

30 stainless steel nose rings
I can almost guarantee your nostril jewelry needs do not exceed 5 nose rings. I don't care you who are. I'm looking at you, Lenny Kravitz.


1 adult Madagascar hissing cockroach
If your mom won't let you get a snake, this could be a great alternative. Or it could get you grounded for a month. Why risk it?

 

$10

Aerosol can coyote urine
Amazon would have you believe that you can use this scent to scare away unwanted animals. I'm pretty sure you could just use vinegar, or I don't know...loud noises? Bright lights? Literally anything other than the urine of a coyote?

Venus fly trap
Okay, admittedly this is pretty cool. If you abstain from purchasing this to make a donation, I will pull a Chrissy Teigen and send you a Venus fly trap.

Nicolas Cage pillowcase
Because who doesn't want to fall asleep gazing into the eyes of America's greatest national treasure? But this pillowcase will make getting out of bed in the mornings harder. I promise.

 

$15

Crazy cat lady action figure
Not sure what actions this lady is going to do. Open canned tuna? Knit? Die of cat scratch fever and be eaten alive by the animals who were formerly her only friends? A risky investment at best.

12 live hornworms
What are hornworms you ask? I have no idea but they certainly don't sound pleasant, do they? In any event, you probably don't need a dozen of them.

Canned unicorn meat
I'm pretty sure that eating this would be a sin tantamount to murder. And for me it would be cannibalism. Just say no to canned unicorn meat.

 

$20

Betty Crocker immersion blender 
Immersion blenders are cool, but how often do you really blend things? And why do you think you're too good for a regular blender? And how long will it take you to realize that hand blender and an immersion blender are the same thing? The clock starts now.

1 lb. replica of human body fat
If you've ever watched a daytime talk show, you've seen one of these bad boys enough to know that you don't need your own. If you're looking for motivation to lose weight just go bathing suit shopping, that always works for me.

Ham dogger
If you ever go extreme couponing and get a really good deal on hotdog buns, you can buy this machine that will convert your hamburger meat into a cylinder. Hailed as the kitchen tool you never knew you didn't need, the ham dogger combines ground beef with the subtle sophistication of eating a hotdog. 

 

$25

Marilyn Monroe dog costume
For the low, low price of $25, your canine companion will hate you forever. Trust me, I dyed my dog red, white and blue for the 4th of July one year. He still won't speak to me.

Electronic spin the bottle
My first question is why did this game survive the 80s? My second question is why does it need to be electronic?

1 Full body spandex suit
If you're not a Power Ranger or a cat burglar, you just don't need this. Would it be sweet? Yes. Is donating to CFTK just as sweet? No. It's actually much, much sweeter because look at this face.

$50 

Star Wars Furbacca 
This is the Furby version of Chewbacca. Chewy is great but if you lived through the 90s you know that Furbys are nothing short of satanic.

Squatty Potty 
A lot of science I don't care about went into making this product, the punchline is pyloric sphincter. 

5 rolls of glow in the dark toilet paper
Just...why? Who has this much time on their hands that they needed to invent glow in the dark toilet paper? There's a joke in there somewhere about poop on your hands, I haven't the time I'm working with a deadline here.

$75 

Wireless blood pressure monitor
If you go to my aunt's house you can take your blood pressure for free. DM me for her address slash to find out if I'm kidding about giving out the personal information of my family members.

5 lbs of dried pomegranate arils
Tempting, I know. If they were normal arils and not dried, I'd be right there with you. But you deserve juicy pomegranate arils. And these kids deserve our love and support.

Who Are You by The Who on vinyl
CSI is on Hulu. If you love this song that much, I've just provided you with a free alternative. You're welcome. Pay it forward.

$100

Mad Magazine from June 2015 signed by Weird Al
Not sure why this exists, I included it because unless you're Ted Mosby it shouldn't be tempting in the least. 

Opening bat coffin ring
Okay again, this would be sweet, but how often are you going to wear it? I know, every single day, me too. But we have to be strong.

The complete Golden Girls series on DVD
Totally rad. But if I can't have it, no one should. Send that cool hundy over to CFTK and next time there's a Golden Girls marathon on we can watch it together.


In conclusion, hopefully all of these items sound like things you can live without and you're realizing that money could be better spent if you donated it to the Carolina For The Kids Foundation and helped them raise $50K in one day! If I made these items sound so appealing that you just had to buy them and have no money left to donate, then I have really got to stop underestimating the power of my prose.


You can connect with CFTK on Facebook here, or learn more at the official website by clicking this link. To donate to the organization click here and to donate to my fundraising page to help me reach my goal of $300 for the kids, click here.

For the Kids-

Rachel




*Amazon would really LOVE for me to make sure my readers understand that I am in no way affiliated with them.