I'm Calling You Out Chef Boyardee

This is not meant to be a list of accusations or indictments of any kind. I'm not trying to ruin Chef Boyardee the way I destroyed Shari's Berries last year (she had it coming). Really, this is fan mail. I love Chef Boyardee products. Eat them almost every day for lunch, you can ask the co-workers who nod politely at my various stories about car trouble and parental neglect. So I figured that as a valued customer, the Chef himself might want to know what I'm thinking. Why spend thousands on test markets when the person who accounts for at least 3% of your market share will give you feedback for free? Some of you may say I expect too much of products that are all essentially "pasta in tomato and meat sauce" and cost less than a dollar.
You may say I'm a dreamer.
But I'm not the only one.


Spaghetti and Meatballs
Sometimes the meatballs look like they have moles on them. Other than that no complaints. Well done. I used to eat this with goldfish mixed in until I grew up and switched to Texas toast. If making sure that at least 85% of your meal is carbs is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Or live past 50.

Spaghetti and Meatballs (microwaveable cup) 
The texture of this is all wrong. Thin noodles. Soupy sauce. You had one job. Take the spaghetti and meatballs from the can. Place it in a microwavable cup. But you must have fiddled with the formula or something. So congratulations. You played yourself. And more importantly me because I keep buying these hoping they'll change. Ladies, you can't change a man, even a chef.

Lasagna
I don't eat the lasagna. Even I have standards. Lasagna should be served with a hearty layer of melted cheese on top and at least 3 pieces of garlic bread. Now if they come up with some canned garlic bread, I will sit in focus groups, take surveys and help troubleshoot that all day. But until then, stop serving canned lasagna. Have some decency.

Cheesy Burger Macaroni
How many foods can we fit into other foods? Also, is this the definition of American Exceptionalism? I think so! I've not tried this because I still have the tiniest bit of self-respect, but the moment that goes (sooner rather than later) I will report back on this flavor.

Pizza Maker
Again, I'm pretty content with this product. It's not as good as Missy's homemade pizza but it'll do. Although...if they wanted to make the pizza kit bigger...I wouldn't hate it. And there's always too much sauce. The sauce to dough ratio is way off, stop trying to sneak servings of vegetables onto my pizza! Call it marinara all you want, I see right through that.

Beefaroni
Sounds so wrong but tastes so right. And this actually tastes completely different from the spaghetti and ravioli even though the ingredients are all the same. You might not notice it but trust me, I have a very discerning palate. My youngest brother actually introduced me to beefaroni when he was in preschool if that tells you anything about my eating habits.

Chili Mac
There is no part of me that is willing to try this.  My discerning palate is also rather delicate. The description on this can literally reads "macaroni with beef in chili gravy." They lost me at "macaroni with beef" the rest of that sentence is just the chili gravy on top of the crap sandwich.

Chicken Ravioli
Now that's just sick. What will the sadists over at headquarters think of next? Honestly, who is buying this? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Unless you can't eat beef for religious reasons, that I totally respect but also, did you know, there is such a thing as cheese ravioli? Chicken ravioli is just wrong. And I'm a Southern Baptist, I know about chicken.

Mini Beef Ravioli & Meatballs
At least this is ravioli the way God intended it, but why the need for meatballs and beef in the ravioli? Doesn't that seem like overkill (of cows)?  You heard it here first. This alleged "Chef" Boyardee is trying to create a legion of child soldiers by amping up the protein. That's probably not true but being prepared for the worst-case scenario is never a bad idea.

Beef Ravioli
My favorite! I will burn my tongue on the ridiculous amount of sauce in here 9 days out of 10. But if you look at the picture below you will see that one time a shell snuck into my can of ravioli. Do I look like the type of person who eats shells? Don't answer that.

So Chef, if that is your real name, ball's in your court. Leave a comment with your contact information and we can discuss this over a few cans of beef ravioli. You bring the garlic bread.