Best Abs
Gods of Egypt
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates was a really close second, but have you guys seen Gods of Egypt? Two words. Jaime Lannister. This film is now my 3rd favorite thing vaguely related to Egyptian mythology after The Mummy ride at Universal and Osiris skate shoes. (I was so fake emo in middle school, but weren't we all?)
Best Attempt at Making Jane Austen Resonate With Younger Generations
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Most of my students can quote some ruffian who calls himself Lil Uzi Vert but have no idea who Jane Austen is. That breaks my heart. People are really into zombies and some guy named Glenn these days so I remain hopeful. My little cousin had a zombie-themed party...which I thought was a costume party. What can I say? I commit.
Best Blatant Rip-Off of This Very Blog
How To Be Single
Perhaps some readers will recall my blogpost back in June of 2015 with the same name. If not, click here. The movie was good but it went way off script. I wrote nothing about having a secretly rich friend or even a job. Rebel Wilson was hilarious as usual but I thought Alison Brie's neurotic, female Ted Mosby-type really stole the show. It was like looking at a better-dressed and less pathetic me.
Biggest Disappointment
The Divergent Series: Allegiant
This movie wasn't all bad. For instance, we saw a lot more of Miles Teller, one of my top 5 celebrity crushes. But I got confused (and exhausted) with all the running around. I loved these books and the first two films but this one left me wanting less action and more...I don't know, but not action.
Best Film Adaptation of a Book I Read
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Fantastic Beasts had an edge over The 5th Wave because it resulted in a ton of new Harry Potter merch, which gave me the perfect excuse to again ask my mother for a Harry Potter-themed wedding. She still says no. Actually she says I need to get engaged first. She's a savage.
Best Makeup Inspiration
Alice Through the Looking Glass
Urban Decay came out with an amazing eyeshadow palette inspired by this Tim Burton sequel. But despite what my 14-year-old self thought, I will never be the type of girl who can pull of blue eyeshadow. Fortunately, I'm also not the type of girl who cares how my eyeshadow looks. And I went through a big magenta phase to prove it.
Best Movie That My Dad Would Actually Watch
Free State of Jones
I feel pretty confident in saying that this is probably the only film released in the last decade and not produced by a church that my father didn't hate. And since his favorite film of all time is Stripes you know he's a very discerning movie critic.
Best Sequel
Now You See Me 2
Sorry Zoolander 2 and Finding Dory, but I gotta go with Now You See Me 2. I LOVED the first film and this one was even better because Lizzy Caplan is a talent who graces our theaters too seldom. There was cardistry, legerdemain and between Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson, so much snark. If you wanna hang out with me, I am always down to watch this again.
Best Social Commentary Disguised as a Children's Film
Zootopia
I've seen this 3 times. I still tear up thinking about its message of acceptance, fighting stereotypes and Shakira. Judy and Nick are pretty great but my favorite character is Fru Fru the shrew. I'm really hoping she gets a spinoff. Called Shrewtopia. I'm sorry, I don't blame you if you stop reading here.
Best Soundtrack
Moana
Lin-Manuel Miranda is somewhat of a ringer. There was no way this award would go to any other movie. My cousins and I all love this soundtrack but I can sing it way better than them. Because they're 3 and 4.
Best Use of Jenny Slate
The Secret Life of Pets
Jenny just really wasn't utilized to her full potential in Zootopia and I'm still upset that the sheep were the bad guys when everyone knows that sheep are not only super sweet but also incredibly dumb and therefore completely incapable of masterminding a major criminal coup.
Dumbest Concept
The Angry Birds Movie
Even my 12-year-old brother didn't want to see this and he watches some really dumb stuff. Like YouTube videos that claim Jar Jar Binks is a Sith lord. Also the timing is just way off, Angry Birds peaked in popularity years ago. Imagine how dumb it would be if Versace released a line of Silly Bandz now.
Worst Film
Kubo and the Two Strings
I'll admit, I haven't seen this but the commercials alone made me want to die. There's like a bug and a baboon thing? If this were narrated by David Attenborough I'd be all over it. And what's up with the strings? Is this double dutch? Knitting? Is Kubo gonna bust out a dope cat's cradle? No one will fund a Notting Hill musical no matter how many letters I write but we can shell out some cash for Kubo? Hollywood is a racket.
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