Game of Stars

*SPOILERS*

If you aren't caught up on Game of Thrones, 1) re-evaluate your priorities and 2) don't read this.

Now that we're among friends, in honor of the long-awaited return to Westeros Sunday night, White Girl Wednesday presents Game of Stars (I could have easily named this post "I Want Cersei Dead"), your official zodiac guide to the houses of Game of Thrones.

Aries - The Bold

House Bolton

"Our blades are sharp."

("A naked man has few secrets; a flayed man, none.")

Representative: Ramsay Bolton

Say what you will about the Boltons (inhumane, disgusting, ruthless), they are nothing if not bold. Most internet rankings consider Ramsay the top villain on GoT but let's remember that this house also produced amazing singer-songwriter Michael and basketball star slash theater ingenue Troy.

Taurus - The Generous

House Arryn

"As high as honor."

Representative: Jon Arryn

Generous? Lysa and Robin not so much but at least Jon was honorable. I don't trust Littlefinger but I have to admire a man who will still help the lady who shoved him back into not even the friendzone but the creepy-admirer-of-my-mother zone. Although let's be real, if your friend set you up on a blind date with Ramsay Bolton it would take years, maybe lifetimes, to make that right.

Gemini - The Expressive

House Greyjoy

"We do not sow."
("What is dead may never die.")

Representative: Yara Greyjoy 

Theon and Euron certainly know how to express themselves, just not through needlework. Yara is another one of my favorites, I just hope that her and Dany don't become Selena and Taylor and make Missandei Demi. Ya dig?

Cancer - The Nurturer

House Stark

"Winter is coming." 

Representatives: Sansa & Arya Stark
Sansa is probably the more nurturing of the two, she made sure Ramsay's dogs were well-fed. Ned was the most honorable man in the Seven Kingdoms but, as Sansa reminded us all, he was really, really stupid. Right now House Stark is concerned with the bigger picture, saving everyone from the White Walkers even though I think they should be devoting at least 50% of their resources towards killing Cersei.

Leo - The Confident

House Lannister

"Hear me roar!"

("A Lannister always pays his debts.")

Representative: Cersei Lannister

The Lannisters are the leos, naturally, but I would argue their confidence is more cockiness. I hate the Lannisters and more than anything I hate Cersei. I hate her more than Joffrey and Ramsay put together. Let that sink in. She's stupid confident and always manages to get her way and I will never forgive HBO if she's still breathing in the final episode. 

Virgo - The Practical

House Frey

"We stand together."

Representative: Walder Frey 

I know the Freys are the worst but how frustrating is it that you supposedly can't kill guests due to etiquette? You've got to admire the practicality of cutting out the middle man of battle and just going for it right after dinner. Luckily, the North remembered and those Freys stood together and died together. Suckaaaaas. 

Libra - The Fair

House Mormont

"Here we stand."

Representative: Lyanna Mormont. Duh.

Just give her the Iron Throne already. This child is loyal, fierce, terrifying and bossy. I love her. She's twice the man Joffrey could have ever been. I know she's a fictional character but I'm not against her being on our currency. And let's not forget Ser Jorah, my only GoT love interest who is still alive. 

Scorpio - The Intense

House Baratheon

"Ours is the fury."

Representative: Stannis Baratheon 

I would say burning your daughter alive is pretty intense. The Baratheons are an interesting bunch. You've got lovesick Robert, equally lovesick Renly and puppet Stannis who does whatever Melisandre says. I have to admit, I love Melisandre. I like the bad girls of Game of Thrones. Except for Cersei. She can go die.

Sagittarius - The Independent

House Martell

"Unbowed, unbent, unbroken."

Representative: Ellaria Sand 

The Martells do things their way and only interact with the other inhabitants of Westeros when it's absolutely necessary because Dorne is its own little world. Ellaria and the Sand Snakes are kind of amazing. Am I a bad person for finding it like, a little funny when Ellaria killed Myrcella? Probably. Can I live with that? Definitely. 

Capricorn - The Focused 

House Tyrell

"Growing strong."

Representatives: Olenna & Margaery Tyrell

No one was as intent on gaining power as Margaery Tyrell and THE queen stayed focused on her goal. She gets it from her grandmother. Lady Olenna is brutal and I sincerely hope that she's the one to kill Cersei. Although to be fair there's not a character on the show that I don't want to kill Cersei. Heck, I don't care if Big Bird kills Cersei but someone needs to do it. 

Aquarius - The Bright

House Targaryen

"Fire and blood."

Representative: Daenerys Targaryen

Dany's actions (and hairs) are exceptionally bright. She knows how to get what she wants and she does it calmly. Or by using one of her three dragons to incinerate her opponent. When Khal Drogo died, the only person who took it harder than me was Dany. But in his absence she has managed to build her empire, find a devoted boy toy and free slaves in no particular order. AND her eyebrows are bomb. 

Pisces - The Peaceful

House Tully

"Family, duty, honor."

Representative: Catelyn Tully Stark

Not gonna lie, I hated Catelyn for how much she hated Jon but I hated Lysa even more. Tbh they both suck and in a place like Westeros you really can't get attached to people. But at least at her core Catelyn just wanted to be a good mother and Lysa was just freaking insane.


A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY shout out to Kelly! I hope you enjoy a cookie cake today, even if that cookie cake has to include walnuts which are totally gross unless they're in baklava. And I did mean an entire cookie cake, not a piece. Serving sizes only win if we let them win.