Christmas Roast

Christmas is a time for traditions and presents and great food and presents and Jesus and presents and friends and presents and of course, family. And presents. In my family, a big part of showing love is making fun of each other mercilessly until the moms get involved or someone cries.

This week I want to look back at some of the best roasts, one-liners and anecdotes that only I find funny from Christmas 2017.

I always bake gingerbread cookies for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Not just any gingerbread cookies, but the BEST gingerbread cookies. In the past my youngest brother has wanted to help me decorate them and I have always declined because most people refuse to meet my exacting standards when it comes to aesthetics. But there comes a point in all of our lives where we…what’s the term? Give up. So this year I let him help and I learned that that was a mistake about 2 minutes in when he referred to the white sugar sprinkles as Colombian nose candy.

Another big thing in my immediate family is playing cards. We particularly like Phase 10 but since my mother lost those cards this Christmas was all about Skip-Bo until I forced her to buy a new Phase 10 deck on Tuesday and therefore saved Christmas. My grandmother is really mad at me for playing in a manner that some would describe as cut-throat. While we were playing one night I was looking at older pictures and I asked the hypothetical question “does everyone get uglier as they get older or is it just me?” and my grandmother quickly responded “just you.”I may be ugly but she's what you would call a sore loser.

My family makes fun of me for being lazy just because I don’t work out every day or go on runs or walk to the kitchen to get my own water. So I was thankful when my mother who was in the kitchen asked if I wanted my lemon in the fridge. I said yes and she replied “well come put it in the fridge then.” Whose moms is this?

Unfortunately, 2 of my younger cousins were sick for Christmas. When Rebecca didn’t show up for Christmas Eve dinner because her son was sick we seriously considered sending someone to her house to demand the buttermilk biscuits she normally brings. My mini-me was sick too and couldn’t open presents on Christmas day. My mother pointed out that if we’d known she was going to be sick we could have waited and bought her presents December 26^th for 50% off and saved a lot of money. I mean…she’s not wrong (*Brendan voice).

My cousin Kelsey got me the Anastasia soundtrack for Christmas so I am now in possession of that as well as the Broadway soundtrack. Needless to say, if Christy Altomare ever needs a day off, I'll be ready.

Of course the Christmas puns made their appearances by way of Instagram captions and custom-made Christmas t-shirts which are more reasonable for the green Christmases of central NC.

"Let's get in formation Claus..."


Taco Bell + Christmas, what more could a girl want?

Speaking of which, I had to make fun of my brother's hair.

I got my uncle for secret Santa at my grandmother's house so I of course gifted my conservative, gunslinging, veteran uncle with American Sniper on DVD, an Air Force t-shirt and the book Monica's Story, a hard-hitting expose about scandal in the Clinton White House from the victim that history forgot. I'm sure he's already finished it if anyone wants to ask him for a book review.

Christmas is also my cousin Brittany’s birthday but people normally forget what with the birth of the Savior and what not. Keep Brittany in Christmas is what I like to say. 

We even wrote a special song about the difficult pregnancy that my aunt went through 26 Yuletides ago even though I heard my grandmother say that Jesus was the greatest Christmas gift ever given so take that Brittany.

Julia did you know?

That your baby girl
Would try to take your life.

Julia did you know?
That you would throw up
Over 200 times.

Julia did you know?
That this blue-eyed beast
Would almost cause your life to cease.
That this little girl you’re burping
Tried to give you a murking.