New Year, Same Me

I try to say yes to things because no matter how much I don't want to put on pants and leave the house, I normally get some good material to write about. Some of my best posts are stories of the weird situations that would only happen to me. Let's chalk that up to bad luck and a complete lack of common sense. I realize that I can only expect y'all to read posts about my top 10 favorite housewives for so long before you turn elsewhere for your entertainment. FYI, for those who were curious, Brandi, Kyle and Gretchen are up there. But I have bad news. 2018 is going to be my year of no and probably also my year of personal bankruptcy if things keep going in the direction they're headed.


This post will be full of new year themed tweets that didn't get the appreciation they deserve because my stupid Twitter has to be private. If you're not one of my students feel free to follow me @redwhiteandrae. If you are one of my students, then you get a live show every day for 90 minutes so stop complaining.

What drove me to this? A series of unfortunate dates mainly. I am super intimidated by the concept of a first date with someone you don't know. Will it be awkward? Will I get stood up? Will he murder me? But I try to "put myself out there" as my 13-year-old brother says and take risks because I normally end up with at least a good meal if not a good story and I'm a teacher with student loans I will take all the free food I can get. But at some point it's just not worth it anymore. Have you ever been on a date that was so boring you literally fell asleep? Because I have and let me tell you, that is unsafe.

Most recently, I had what I thought was a good first date. I really liked the guy and his dog, he actually has a job unlike 2 of my more recent exes...
 

But I was unable to secure a second date and I'm not quite sure where I went wrong. I mean, certainly, there were missteps. I now realize that most people don't consider John Kerry's questionable military record to be among first date conversation topics. Who knew? And I did arrive a little late but to be fair, while I was getting ready Khloe Kardashian confirmed her pregnancy so I had to give that my full attention.



There was a brief moment when I asked myself, "am I the problem?" and as I said those words aloud I heard how preposterous that sounded and mentally erased all thoughts of a "new year, new me" in favor of staying the same and wallowing in self-pity.


There is one new hobby I'm willing to try in 2018. Rap battles. Apparently your rap name is "lil" with the first thing you spent money on in 2018. I was almost Lil Taco Bell, Lil Piercing or Lil Discount Christmas Decorations but I shall henceforth be known as...


So I will be legally changing my previous rap name, Young Abandonment Issues.


I would like to conclude this post with a list of things I think should stay in 2017.
First and foremost,


But additionally:

• unrealistic serving sizes
• saying "see you next year" or any other time-based pun from December 25th-January 1st
• Ajit Pai
• Taco Bells that run out of rolled chicken tacos, these should be a permanent menu item
• temperatures below 40 degrees