Death & Taxes

They say 2 things are certain in life.

Death and taxes.

This week I'm mad about both.

The state of North Carolina is requiring ME to pay THEM twenty-five dollars. I practically work for them for free! And now they want a year-end bonus from me? IRS agent Tom was cooking the books and said "You know who is doing just a little too well...public school teachers in North Carolina. Let's knock them down a peg." Yeesh.

Enough about taxes. My family has a history of stealing government property.

Decades ago, my great-grandmother and some great aunts and uncles took a road trip to the mountains of North Carolina. While admiring the local flora and fauna, my family members took particular interest in the flora. My great-grandmother and her sister tried to scoop up some flowers to take home and replant. Like a souvenir! Or like free flowers! Unfortunately, the park rangers weren’t having it.

As my great-grandmother hustled back to the car with one last plant, a state government official stopped her and asked why she was stealing flowers from the great state of North Carolina. Those flowers cost money and it's not like they can just levy arbitrary taxes on some helpless teacher up to her eyeballs in student loans to furnish the mountainside with enough flowers for everyone to take some home. That last part is not verbatim, you know how oral tradition is, stories get passed down, things get lost in translation.

My sweet granny was instructed to go to the exact location of the grand theft yarrow to replant them. Her sister, my Aunt Jinkie, stood by innocently although she was an accomplice, stealing flowers for her own garden. She meekly said “I’ll help you Milly*” as the mountain ranger looked on, casting herself as helpful onlooker rather than co-conspirator. This became a joke in my family so now whenever we’re feeling particularly condescending, which is pretty much always, we’ll say “I’ll help you Milly” to each other.

In alternate versions of this story it was actually Aunt Beatrice who threw my granny under the bus. Not sure why no one invited Aunt Inez...maybe she would have been a whistleblower?

I'm just thankful they didn't try to pilfer some of the actual mountain for some hardscaping. Imagine the carnage!

My family’s dirty little secret resurfaced again recently. Unfortunately, a cousin of mine passed away. His sister mentioned to my cousin Tracey* that she wished she had some sand from the beach for the funeral. Just a comment. Or it would have been if Tracey didn’t have the next day off. But Tracey DID have the next day off. So she grabbed her dad and drove two hours to White Lake, a place our family used to vacation every year.

When she got there, I can only imagine that she left the car in drive, ran to the beach area and started filling a cup with sand while looking around to make sure she wasn't being watched. Sure enough, your tax dollars hard at work, she was stopped by a woman gainfully employed by Bladen County who told her she couldn’t take the sand, but instead suggested Target for Tracey's crafting needs.

Did Tracey drive another two hours home, completely defeated? Of course not. She simply drove over to the next exit and collected sand there. This time she made a clean getaway and placed her stolen prize in the cup holder. Her dad noticed how flustered she was and commented “You act like you ain’t never stole nothin’.”

And that has been "Rachel's Family Tree" brought to you by poor decision-making, wildlife looting and patronizing assistance.

*Names have been changed to protect my family from jail time. Boy am I getting tired of saying that.