America's Least Wanted

I have not been on a lot of dates. The lack of love in my life is a central theme of this blog as well as my therapy sessions. However, for the small amount of dates I have been on, a large percentage of them have been weird. I've been strawberry picking in the rain, hotdog eating in the snow and hot chocolate sipping in front of a Great British Bake Off marathon to name a few. But my most recent misguided romantic misadventure really takes the show-stopper challenge cake.

I suggested that we go to Target. Target is the perfect date location. There's shopping, reading, Starbucks, slushies and a Pizza Hut Express that's oddly never open. I've had several Target dates and I am not sorry about that at all. It's called multitasking. And this weekend, I happened to need some curtain rods.

So we hit the shelves. First we picked up my curtain rods, but not just any curtain rods. I was partial to the cheapest ones for aesthetic reasons - their price tag looked the best. I needed TWO curtain rods and the offerings ranged from less than ten dollars to almost forty dollars. I knew my place. But my date said those weren't good enough for me, I deserved the best. I mean, he's not wrong, but unfortunately my bank account had to disagree. He managed to talk me into a mid-price option and I started to wonder if he was part of the Target sales force, sent on a top secret mission to pretend to date me in order to persuade me to up my weekly contributions to Tarjay Incorporated. I snapped out of this when I realized that I already spend so much money there without outside influences but that's the level of self-confidence we're dealing with here.

Once that was finished, my date suggested we get cookies because I had mentioned liking cookies a few dozen times in our previous conversations. I have never said no to a cookie that wasn't oatmeal raisin. Don't get me started on oatmeal raisin. He also had me pick out some bath bombs because I had mentioned using a peppermint one to open my sinuses. I was flattered that he listened to me, remembered and wanted to get me some bath bombs just because he knew I liked him. That was a kind gesture not expected from a girl who usually orders a kid's meal on dates and has been dumped by not 1, but 2 unemployed males.

So I was even more surprised when my date grabbed the curtain rods I had been carrying around the store as we headed for the self-checkout. I didn't want to be presumptuous as I presumed that he was paying for my curtain rods, so I acted like I thought he just wanted to carry them for me. Being the feminist icon I think I am as of late, I let him think that the strain of carrying curtain rods that were probably at least fifty percent aluminum was a burden I was all too happy to be rid of. At self-checkout I insisted that he didn't have to pay for my curtain rods and he ignored me. That last part happens on all my dates so I assumed it was normal.

Sounds like a good date, right? Nope. Fast forward like an hour. We've been chilling in the Starbucks, chatting, flirting, I'm mentally designing our wedding invitations, you know, the usual for a first date.

I know what you're thinking. It's a bold font choice but I'm happy with it. And to anyone who says I won't send out wedding invites with a selfie of just me, Snapchat filter and all, I say...bet.

Out of nowhere, he says "I feel guilty." My mind immediately jumps to the worst possible conclusion and I'm afraid he's about to confess that he voted for Bo Bice on season 4 of American Idol. But maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe he just has a secret family. Or only dated me as part of his official Target job duties. Maybe he's a secret cannibal and I'm a few hours away from being a Lifetime movie. None of my worst case scenarios could have prepared me for what was about to happen. After a pause more pregnant than Kylie must have been last week, he said "It's not that I feel guilty about spending money but that was my rent."

Taking a page from his (coupon) book (that was a low blow I'm sort of sorry), let me explain my reaction to that. It's not that I'm mad he didn't buy me things, it's that HE insisted I get the nicer curtain rods. HE texted me all week about how he wanted to buy me jewelry but nothing fake because I was too good for that (any guys reading this...I'm definitely not, I will accept any and all jewelry). And HE was the one who took the curtain rods from my hand and insisted on buying them. So I'm not mad that he didn't buy me anything, I'm mad that he misrepresented himself, or at the very least, his financial situation. 

What was I supposed to do with that information? I told him he didn't need to buy me anything and I offered to pay him back. He asked if that would be weird. Um. YES. But I insisted it was fine and tried to find some cash. Mind you, this wasn't a quick "oh here's twenty bucks" type transaction. I looked through my bills, considered the curtain rods, Starbucks, the cookies and the stupid bath bombs and handed him forty dollars. Did he refuse it? Just once for social conventions? Nope. He put it in his pocket and said "sweet."

I asked Twitter what to think. Survey says...only 1 person thinks that guys should ask to be repaid for dates and that was probably just Ting trolling me. 

The worst part is that when we went to actually put up the curtain rods, the smaller one was too small so he is going to return it. And get a refund. Am I getting a refund on the cash I gave him? Nope. So he literally profited off this date. Come to think of it, I should have taken notes.