OlymPICS or it Didn't Happen

If you're a true American with no social life like me, you've been starring at a series of wintry sports that make little to no sense for about two weeks now. Unfortunately, the winter Olympics is often referred to as the lesser Olympics because America is like...not that great at the winter Olympics. I mean you know me, USA all the way. But even I had the face the facts that maybe sometimes America is better at meddling than medalling. Doesn't interfere with my mad love for this country.

I have red, white and blue cat ears. That's a normal, patriotic thing to have.*

,
And red, white and blue leis.


I have an America blanket my aunt made me. Baby Fin sold separately.
 

On top of that, I happen to love the Olympics. I get into the themed Snapchat filters.


I even participated in whatever this filter was. Really Snapchat, get it together.


It's a family affair, we all take it seriously. I guess cuddling Fin in that American flag blanket at an early age helped foster his own Olympic ambitions.


This winter, I discovered that Emily and I would make excellent Olympic commentators. And the real gold medal goes to anyone who can live with me through an Olympics. So far Caroline holds the record, surviving 2 Olympic games.

Emily's first Olympics experience with me was figure skating and she had a lot of good points. However...all of her prior knowledge of figure skating comes from Blades of Glory so when we're 10 minutes in and no one has been beheaded she gets frustrated. And I think she accidentally cursed the American figure skating team so earlier this week I banned her from watching any further skating. On the first night we watched, things were going so bad we both called for America to boycott the rest of the games entirely. We started chanting "warm up the bus" but thankfully no one listens to us because Mirai went on to become my personal hero.

In an article of the best tweets about the Olympics someone said that Mirai Nagasu and Adam Rippon are our president and vice president now and I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm at an age where several decorated Olympians are part of a completely separate generation than me and make me feel more inferior than I already do, see below.

But I'm also at an age where many Olympians could be my friends if they for some reason wanted to ski down that black diamond. So Mirai, Adam, Bradie, Red, Shaun, Tommy, Jared, Chris, Ted if you're reading this - click on ads. And hmu. And Jamie, what conditioner do you use?

I feel like the Winter Olympics is all about turning one thing into like half a dozen events. Like why is skiing on a half pipe a thing? Snowboarding is sufficient. Do we really need both luge AND skeleton? Can someone remind me what the difference is? Laying on a board and going downhill, it seems like we're only a few Olympics away from water sliding as a sport. And the whole skiing and shooting thing. Who invented that? Let me tell you. A long, long time ago, some kid didn't make the bobsled team and he thought "I'll show you all! I will be the best at something!" and then the only thing he was good at was the sport...and I use the term sport very loosely here...that he Frankensteined from two completely unrelated activities. I'm really good at setting a volleyball and then skipping down the court. Why doesn't that get to be a sport? Because there's not enough weaponry involved?

Here's our opinions on skiing. First of all...moguls. What even IS that? Is it speed, is it tricks, no one knows. Makes no sense. 0 of 10. And NBC did this touching special on how Lindsey Vonn has fought through so many injuries to be here, but from my perspective, if you're getting injured all the time are you really that good? What is God trying to tell you? Maybe skiing isn't your thing honey.

And finally, our hot take on the Pyeongchang games...we really don't get why the Russian athletes are allowed to participate in team events. I tried to explain to my brother that the athletes were allowed to compete as individuals just not as Russia. I said they have an abbreviation that was three letters, something something R and he filled in the gaps as USSR. I love that kid. We're fine with the athletes competing in individual events, we just find it unfair that the athletes from Russia can compete as a team for team events. So in my opinion, they should be disqualified from the team skate. And if that means the US goes home with a silver medal, so be it. Let's just let the medals fall where they may.

Because at the end of the day and the Olympics, no matter what, USA is still bae.
 


*You may recognize some of these pics from another blog post I had about how much I love America and the Olympics. Oops.