This weekend I was at my mother's house making a list of things I wanted to discuss in therapy on Monday because those appointments are $40 a pop, and I, for one, want to get the most out of them since I can barely afford luxuries like toilet paper, concealer and mental health. My mom tried to read over my shoulder and when I blocked her view she started giving me questionable advice.
First of all, my mother means well. I love her very much. But why she thinks she's a dating expert is beyond me. My mother got married a few months after she turned 18. What advice could she possibly have? Go to prom? Try to take Biology together? She's not even an expert on her own kids, she started this lecture with, "you're what? 24? 25?" and I realize that I can be shockingly conceited but I would assume that my mother would know the age of her firstborn only daughter. And I would be wrong.
Life is not a Meg Ryan movie. Sure, everyone in the dating game at my age is sleepless but that's due to chronic anxiety, not gallivanting around town with Tom Hanks. Do people actually meet in person anymore? Is it safe to talk to strangers? What if I leave my apartment and go somewhere and there's no WiFi? Too many variables.
My mother expressed concern that I was looking for love in all the wrong places. She compared online dating to going to a shoe store looking for a dress. But I pointed out that I wouldn't go to a shoe store or a dress store, I would order directly from Amazon. And online dating is equivalent to Amazon, I'm ordering exactly what I want directly from the website instead of searching for it in a store so...checkmate.
Then Missy backtracked real quick with the old, "I didn't say it, some country music singer did." Well girl, let me give you a list of reasons I don't take advice from country music singers.
1. You're the Reason Our Kids are Ugly by Loretta Lynn
2. What I Never Knew I Always Wanted by Carrie Underwood
3. Redneck Yacht Club by Craig Morgan
4. Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart by Johnny Cash
5. Double-Wide Dream by The Casey Donahew Band
But don't worry, Missy didn't leave me nothing. She had some suggestions on where exactly I can go to meet these alleged guys who are allegedly out there in the alleged real world. Her first suggestion? Barnes & Noble at Southpoint. I don't think that's the dating mecca that she thinks it is. I also don't think she's ever been to this particular Barnes & Noble since she thinks it is fiscally irresponsible to buy books when libraries exist.
And she didn't stop there, she even gave me a sub-genre to consider. According to my mother, the one person on this planet who always thinks highly of me, "the guys you like will be in the weird section, reading the weird things" and you know what...she's not wrong.
My mother did make me realize that perhaps I should really refine my online dating profiles. Maybe get some new pics?
Maybe change them entirely? My gay best friend curated half of my profiles and that might not be the best strategy but it's a definite strategy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Missy's closing remarks..."find someone in a bookstore. Or at church."
Me: "What about a Christian bookstore?"
Missy: "Even better."
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