Ting and I have been friends for multiple Target trips, Carrabba's meals, feminist books and Snapchat streaks. She is now demanding to be featured on the blog so I have managed to secure an exclusive interview.
Before the interview I wanted to display some pictures so my readers can get to know the woman, the myth, the legend, Ting Lam. Unfortunately, she did not approve several pictures for publication. Here's a quote from Heather McCrory, esteemed PR professional, on the subject, "She should know nothing is ever off the record with a journalist." Excellent point.
The thing about Ting is...she's obsessed with me. She copies everything I do. Here she is copying my selfie face. She's got the head tilt and the lip purse down.
She also copied my "Snapchat filter shades" look, I mean honestly. This is just embarrassing. But I guess plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
The woman asked me for cooking advice about vegetables for goodness' sake, clearly just an excuse to make conversation. Literally everyone knows I don't do vegetables.
The good news is that although clearly deranged and obsessed with me, she happens to possess a handful of redeeming qualities. Exhibit A - her cat Dee. Dee is looking very demure here, trying to seduce her boyfriend, a mature tabby named Taco.
She's also lowkey funny. But don't tell her that, it will go straight to her head.
Even though Ting interrupts me constantly and I tell her to shut up at least 30 times a day, we're #bestfriendgoals.
I asked Ting the following questions, and I recommend using these on a 1st date to weed out all of the psychopaths and Tings. Also I got them from a website called "160 First Date Questions" so there's that.
1. What do you like to do in your free time?
Ting: "These are the worst questions ever."
Me: "Is that your final answer?"
Ting: "Do you even know how to journalist?"
Me: "Moving on..."
2. Who is the most fascinating person you've ever met?
Ting: "I really wanna say Oprah, but that would be a lie."
3. What's your favorite international food?
Ting: "Does it count as international if I'm international?"
Me: "I'm afraid of a racial discrimination lawsuit so I refuse to answer that."
Ting: "Dim sum. Being the youngest you get beat up by your grandparents if you don't have seats for everyone."
4. What would be your dream job?
Me: "Mine is a re-enactment actor on like Mystery Diagnosis or Monsters Inside Me."
Ting: "I think the question was for me. A writer from the 1500s like sitting in a cafe like 'ooh I'm writing look at me' and being immediately famous but a classy famous not young adult writer famous."
Me: "Are you coming for John Green right now?"
Ting: "No, he wants to be me. Or does he want to be a teenage girl because that's the perspective he always writes from?"
Me: "Someone is forgetting about Will Grayson, Will Grayson, even though I tweeted about it, like, a day ago."
5. Among your friends what are you best known for?
Ting: "Deflecting. Calling people out for saying my name incorrectly."
Me: "Have I been saying it wrong all these years? Is it not Tingala? You're not Yiddish?!"
6. What fad did you never really understand?
Ting: "John Cena. Is that a fad?"
7. Who is the kindest person you know?
Ting: "Am I supposed to say you?"
Me: "Just be honest. But yes."
Ting: "Me."
8. What's the silliest fear you have?
Ting: "I have an intense fear of parking in unknown places. Like if I've never been there I have to look it up on Google Earth."
Me: "I think that's Chapel Hill PTSD, I have it too."
9. What odd talent do you have?
Ting: "I don't think I have talents."
Me: "Agreed."
10. Finally, where do you see yourself 5 years ago?
Ting: "5 years ago I was starting a long-term relationship - "
Me: "Is this gonna be funny or just sad?"
Ting: "Well, it's my life, so..."
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is Ting Lam. Stay tuned for her mixtape.
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