Here is actual footage of me trying on a bathing suit.
Since the only thing I really do on this blog is chronicle the things my mother says and give advice on things I know nothing about...let's talk body positivity. First of all...are women even allowed to like their bodies? Last I heard, we weren’t. My therapist and I discussed this and we think that the government is allowing a few women at a time to like themselves. Like every year 5 social security numbers get pulled and those women are allowed to love their bodies.
I'm still waiting for my turn. I hate my arms. I don't know if it will ever be possible for me live in a world where I don't hate my arms no matter how many push ups and fist pumps I do. And the entire fashion industry is conspiring against me. Women's fashion for at least the last 5 years has been one big game of hide the sleeves. Even in the winter you see sleeveless sweater dresses. Where are all these women going wearing sleeveless wool? A shooting sleeve convention?
That brings me to another point. I like for my clothing to be at least somewhat practical. Which is why I never buy those gauzy see-through summer tops because why would I pay full price for a shirt that I am going to have to wear a tank top under? It is summer, I am not trying to layer, this ain't Tokyo. I also want my bathing suits to be practical. Swimming in the ocean with thirty different strings is not practical. It is an accident waiting to happen.
Look at how carefree these women are! Their smiles seem to say "I haven't had a wardrobe malfunction in a fortnight!"
That brings me to another point. I like for my clothing to be at least somewhat practical. Which is why I never buy those gauzy see-through summer tops because why would I pay full price for a shirt that I am going to have to wear a tank top under? It is summer, I am not trying to layer, this ain't Tokyo. I also want my bathing suits to be practical. Swimming in the ocean with thirty different strings is not practical. It is an accident waiting to happen.
Look at how carefree these women are! Their smiles seem to say "I haven't had a wardrobe malfunction in a fortnight!"
Speaking of wardrobe malfunctions...people often think they’re being helpful by telling me to pull my skirt or dress down in the back. So for the record, let me assure you...it is pulled down. That's what it looks like pulled down. I am not trying to dress inappropriately, my body is just different than yours.
You know those high-low dresses, or mullet dresses?
Here's what that would look like on me.
So I'm not quite ready for body positivity, that seems like a stretch. But I will attempt body neutrality.
Here's what's so bizarre to me...a lot of times people try to encourage me by saying that even the people who I think have perfect bodies have things they don't like about themselves. That in no way makes me feel better. That's like telling a homeless person "Even Bill Gates worries about money." How is telling me that even if I lost a million pounds and had a professional makeup artist I would still feel bad about myself supposed to make me feel better?
Some days body positivity just ain't gonna happen. So I'll attempt face positivity, which normally involves expensive makeup. I had my makeup done for a wedding in this picture. The angle of the picture makes it look kind of like I have achondroplasia and am one step closer to meeting the stars of one of my favorite series, all the Little Women shows on Lifetime.
I have also had my hair professionally done a few times and once by Blakeley whose method is simply "use every bow you have." She also employs the unusual technique of ripping both bow AND hair from the head to remove the decorations instead of carefully removing the bow by unclasping it. But I guess you get what you pay for.
On a normal day, I don't have access to makeup or hair help. And it shows. I see some girls walking around NC in August with perfect makeup. HOW? You guys saw my makeup tutorial. You know I have no idea what I'm doing. I have been lucky enough to get my makeup done professionally before by the fabulous Courtney Goines, but when I try to replicate that myself things always go wrong. Especially in the summer. Like do y'all just not sweat? I work up a sweat just trying to apply all my coats of mascara without sneezing before it dries. And applying winged eyeliner is impossible without the help of black magic.
Sometimes I truly like myself best with no makeup.
Other times I need my face baked within an inch of it's life to even feel like being seen in public.
Sometimes even that's not enough, I need makeup AND Snapchat filters. God bless those Snapchat filters.
And then, oddly, there are times when I feel like I look really weird with makeup and wish I hadn't bothered in the first place. Like this picture. Who is this girl? Why are her lips the same color as her face? Is Trump her makeup artist?
and this.
You know those high-low dresses, or mullet dresses?
Here's what that would look like on me.
I can't help it anymore than I can help having big feet and a widow's peak. I promise you I go to great lengths to make sure that my hem lines are also going to great lengths. My butt, unfortunately, just doesn't care. And telling me to pull my dress down doesn't help. I cannot magically shrink my butt no matter what Jillian Michaels would have you believe.
So I'm not quite ready for body positivity, that seems like a stretch. But I will attempt body neutrality.
Here's what's so bizarre to me...a lot of times people try to encourage me by saying that even the people who I think have perfect bodies have things they don't like about themselves. That in no way makes me feel better. That's like telling a homeless person "Even Bill Gates worries about money." How is telling me that even if I lost a million pounds and had a professional makeup artist I would still feel bad about myself supposed to make me feel better?
Some days body positivity just ain't gonna happen. So I'll attempt face positivity, which normally involves expensive makeup. I had my makeup done for a wedding in this picture. The angle of the picture makes it look kind of like I have achondroplasia and am one step closer to meeting the stars of one of my favorite series, all the Little Women shows on Lifetime.
I have also had my hair professionally done a few times and once by Blakeley whose method is simply "use every bow you have." She also employs the unusual technique of ripping both bow AND hair from the head to remove the decorations instead of carefully removing the bow by unclasping it. But I guess you get what you pay for.
On a normal day, I don't have access to makeup or hair help. And it shows. I see some girls walking around NC in August with perfect makeup. HOW? You guys saw my makeup tutorial. You know I have no idea what I'm doing. I have been lucky enough to get my makeup done professionally before by the fabulous Courtney Goines, but when I try to replicate that myself things always go wrong. Especially in the summer. Like do y'all just not sweat? I work up a sweat just trying to apply all my coats of mascara without sneezing before it dries. And applying winged eyeliner is impossible without the help of black magic.
Sometimes I truly like myself best with no makeup.
Other times I need my face baked within an inch of it's life to even feel like being seen in public.
Sometimes even that's not enough, I need makeup AND Snapchat filters. God bless those Snapchat filters.
And then, oddly, there are times when I feel like I look really weird with makeup and wish I hadn't bothered in the first place. Like this picture. Who is this girl? Why are her lips the same color as her face? Is Trump her makeup artist?
So. How do you love yourself? How do you stay positive about your body and face? I honestly have yet to unlock the secret to self acceptance but I do have some ideas.
1) Focus on what YOU feel good in, not what everyone else says looks good. Sometimes my well-meaning friends talk me into buying clothes that they think I look good in but if I don't feel good in it, that will show in my posture and the pictures! Pictures are forever. Thanks Zuckerberg. Sure you can untag yourself but you can't unsee yourself looking like a blob fish in a bridesmaid dress.
2) Take pictures of yourself when you're looking your best. Be shameless! If a filter makes you feel better, use a filter! Use 5 filters!
3) Don't be afraid to post a selfie and get some positive feedback. You deserve it! If you feel self-conscious about it start with a Snapchat story. Then Twitter or Facebook until you're ready for the social media spotlight that is Instagram.
4) If you have the time/money/will to change something, go for it. Dye your hair. Go to the gym. Get contacts. Brush your teeth. Okay everyone should probably brush their teeth but maybe try a whitening toothpaste?
5) Remember angles. Experiment to find your best side because taking a picture from the right angle or in the right lighting can be the difference between this
and this.
7) Find your selfie face. I have a very distinct selfie face. And everyone makes fun of it. But I don't care. And if that fails, you can always take selfies with sunglasses when you don't feel like doing eye makeup.
My selfie face. I find that looking to the side helps, I feel awkward making eye contact with the camera usually.
Hopefully this post will help you look at yourself the way my little cousins look at Colby.
preach it! Now I feel like I wanna go clothes shopping with you.
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