Y'all I did research.
Tuesday night I decided I needed new cookie scoopers because mine don't really work but I actually said “let’s wait and see how this lottery thing pans out.” I legitimately postponed a purchase because I thought that having millions of dollars in my bank account might affect the cookie scooper purchase I made.
Instead of buying these bad boys (the cheapest I could find)...
maybe I would get this set which inexplicably costs $55. I mean do they come with cookie dough? Am I missing something here? Who knows, but as far as I was concerned I was well on my way to being the type of oblivious rich jerk who thought this was an acceptable purchase. And I was willing to try that character on.
My roommate and I thought about what we would do with the money so much that in my mind it was only fair if we won. I was going to pay off my student loans and get my PhD. Visit the Middle East. Buy a beach house. Go to every show of The 1975's upcoming tour. Buy my mom one of the really nice beach chairs we fantasize about. Emily was going to head straight for Sephora. Then get a Jeep and a house with a backyard for Mako. We both agreed that if we won the lottery, WE DON'T KNOW YOU to like 90% of the people in our lives.
We also wanted rollerblades but decided that even with a $1.5 billion payout we couldn't afford the medical bills we would acquire if we took up skating. And besides, facial reconstructive surgery can only do so much after an asphalt facial.
We even made a queso oath promising we would split the winnings 50/50 no matter what. And I guess we have to give some of the money to Mako because a little queso fell onto him during the oath ceremony.
And there were signs. Monday night Emily's fortune cookie was very promising.
Mine wasn't particularly encouraging. Panda Express really @ed me hard.
When it came to buying the actual tickets, the guy at the gas station literally asked to see my ID as if my grey hairs don't look every bit of 25 and then some. When he commented that my picture looked like me I said "I paid good money for this, it better look like me" and that would have been a cute story to share as I made my rounds on all the talk shows to promote my new book that I released with the publishing house I bought. Simon & Schuster? You mean Rachel & Rachel.
We also put the tickets under crystals. So if we had won that would have been definitive proof of my witchcraft.
I had my students plan out what they would purchase if they won the lottery since we're studying sales math right now. One student decided he would buy Hawaii. I tried to inform him that that's not quite how real estate works and he said he would just take it over with some tanks. I asked his age and learned that he was 14. So I said "sweetie, the government won't let you buy spray paint, what makes you think they will let you buy military weapons?" and another student asked the better question of how he would transport this tank to Hawaii. So now he is also in the market for an aircraft carrier as well. But at least he had a dream. And so did I.
So did I.
Mine wasn't particularly encouraging. Panda Express really @ed me hard.
When it came to buying the actual tickets, the guy at the gas station literally asked to see my ID as if my grey hairs don't look every bit of 25 and then some. When he commented that my picture looked like me I said "I paid good money for this, it better look like me" and that would have been a cute story to share as I made my rounds on all the talk shows to promote my new book that I released with the publishing house I bought. Simon & Schuster? You mean Rachel & Rachel.
We also put the tickets under crystals. So if we had won that would have been definitive proof of my witchcraft.
I had my students plan out what they would purchase if they won the lottery since we're studying sales math right now. One student decided he would buy Hawaii. I tried to inform him that that's not quite how real estate works and he said he would just take it over with some tanks. I asked his age and learned that he was 14. So I said "sweetie, the government won't let you buy spray paint, what makes you think they will let you buy military weapons?" and another student asked the better question of how he would transport this tank to Hawaii. So now he is also in the market for an aircraft carrier as well. But at least he had a dream. And so did I.
So did I.
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