An angel visited Samson’s mother, an Israelite, and told her that she would have a son who would save Israel from the Philistines and to never cut his hair. There were not a ton of Great Clips in the ancient Middle East so that last part was pretty easy.
After 9 months, give or take (not a ton of data on preemie rates in Canaan) Samson was born and he was super strong. He was like Hercules but with the hair of a young Cher. Samson was like the Philistine slayer. He ate Philistines for breakfast. And Wheaties.
So the Philistines were always plotting how they could take him down. The devil works hard but the Philistines and Kris Jenner work harder. It turned out Samson had a weakness. Called puberty. Samson loved him some Delilah. But Delilah was a Philistine. Samson learned nothing from Romeo & Juliet because Bill Shakes wasn't born yet so his dumb self stayed in love with Delilah.
The Philistines knew Samson loved her, they probably followed his finsta and saw his whiny posts about unrequited love and they were like “brain blast!” and approached Delilah to be a double agent. Delilah was planning to say no, but they offered her money so of course she did it. You can't buy new kohl at Zipporah with a heart of gold. They take cold hard cash. And Syrian Express.
Delilah batted her eyelashes and asked Samson what the secret of his strength was. She also cooked him a meal because one of her older female relatives probably told her "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" so she whipped up some Chef Boyardee and said bone app the teeth. He told her that if he was tied up in new bowstrings he would lose all of his strength. While he slept she tied him up and had Philistines come to attack him. But when he woke up to the Philistines he easily snapped the bowstrings and gave them the business. Because men always lie.
Delilah was hurt that he didn’t trust her even though she is a conniving snake because obviously women are irrational and crazy sometimes. She was gaslighting him and acted like he was the jerk since he lied to her. She asked again and this time he told her new ropes would do the trick. Guess what? Even though he loved her he lied to her again because men really ain't it, sis.
Delilah is still mad that nothing has worked so she resorts to her last trick, crying. Ugly crying. Mascara running. And Samson is an idiot and he tells her the truth, that is strength is in his hair. So that night while he is sleeping she goes for the clipper. I like to imagine she gave him the old "can I speak to your manager" cut with stadium seating in the back but the Bible is unclear on this detail.
The Philistines capture him and even though he was a total and complete moron, God isn’t done with him and allows him to regain his strength before the Philistines kill him. Won’t He do it. His hair starts growing back like one of those creepy lifelike dolls your mom wouldn't buy you. I guess his diet was naturally rich in biotin.
Samson is able to push the entire temple down, killing Philistine rulers and spectators and himself. But then the Israelites were totally freed so Samson is still a Biblical hero even though he really let a girl run him. There's no word on what happened to Delilah. I like to imagine that she died a slow and painful death amidst the temple rubble but hey, whatever grows your hair.
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